Episode SixMature

Scene 1:

[Draco and the gang are lounging in the Hogwarts quad, which now exists.]

Crabbe:Draco, are you alright?

Draco: (sharpily) What do you mean?

Goyle:You’ve been a little…. Distracted.

Crabbe:Has this got something to do with (dramatic pause) Potter?

Draco:(blushes) What has he got to do with anything?

Goyle:(clears throat) Well… you won’t shut up about him.

Crabbe:We think you need to stay (s) away.

Draco:I DON’T-

Goyle:(interrupts) I mean it’s alright, if you are.

Draco:(continues) - EVEN-

Crabbe:(interrupts) MORE than okay.

Draco:(continues) –LIKEHIM.

[Awkward but dramatic silence.]

Crabbe:(icily) Prove it.

Draco:(astonished) Wh-what?

Goyle:(puts hand on Crabbe’s shoulder) You don’t have to do this.

Crabbe:No. (s) Iwantto.

(Goyle and Crabbe have an intense stare off)

Draco:(stands up) I’ll do it. (s) Because I can’t stand to be ignored.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 2:

[Harry and the gang are walking down the corridor. There is light-hearted music in the background.]

Hermione:(s) Personally, I think that that awful Skeeter woman-

Harry:(shoves hand into Hermione’s face) No time for females. (He pushes Hermione to the ground) Best friend time (stares into distance)

Ron:So you reckon the article wasn’t that big of a (s) deal?

Harry:… what article?

Ron:I mean, it’s not like (s) teenagers read the newspaper.

[They enter the quad]

Harry:… yes. I know what you are talking about entirely.

[Hermioine rushes up behind them.]

Ron:Are you (s) alright?

Hermione:Bit of a concussion, so try not to let me (s)-

[Mid-swivel, Draco comes up and puts his hands over Harry’s eyes. Hermione and Ron stare at Draco intensely.]

Draco:(cheerily) Guess who!

Harry:(hopefully) Cedric?

Draco:What? NO! (He pulls his arms down quickly and crosses his chest.)

Harry:(Turns around) Oh, I didn’t know-

Draco:(s) RON, heard about your, your pet… your family!

Ron:(s of shock) YOU READ THE ARTICLE?

Draco:… yes.

Harry:Draco…

Draco:And, and, (pauses) your mother.

Ron:(gasps) Oh my! (He faints and Hermione catches him and proceeds to sob over his unmoving body)

Harry:… you can stop now.

Draco:(spins to Harry and points) And your mother as well!

Harry:(His face grows hard and develops a pinched expression) Well, yo mamma.

[Draco looks aghast. Harry takes one of Ron’s arms and starts dragging him away, with Hermione carrying his legs. Crabbe and Goyle come up to comfort Draco]

Goyle:It’s alright. We don’t mind if you’re (s) inferior.

Draco:(gets out wand) That is IT.

[Harry and Hermione are taking a really long time to get Ron out of the quad. Draco opens his mouth, but before he can utter a spell, Moody runs out.]

Moody:Well, what’s going on here?

Draco:(annoyed) Stop lording about, Mad-Eye.

Moody:YOU KNOW.

Draco:(s) What?

Moody:Can’t explain now because, well, you’re a ferret.

Draco:Huh?

[Moody reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tube and presses a button on it. It flashes a blue light and goes “Rrrwoor”. Draco turns into a ferret.]

Moody:(crouches besides Ferret Draco) Love to stay and chat, but you’ve just unmasked the fury of the Time Lords. Well, the one that’s left. Which is me. Only me. (Moody stands up abruptly) ANGST! (He angsts)

Harry:(whispers to Hermione) I think I like this guy.

[McGonagall walks in, observes the scene and sighs.]

McGonagall:Not again.

[She takes out her wand and waves it around. Draco is a human again.]

Moody:Well, (claps hands) I’m just going to go…

[Moody runs off. Everyone stares at him running off. Dramatic music.]

Scene 3:

[Harry, the gang and the rest of the GRYFFINDOR’S are in DADA. There is no one up the front.]

Ron:Apparently, he knows (s) everything.

Dean:That’s right. He was an (s) Auror.

[Everyone whistles]

Harry:(leans face on hand and dreamily) I wonder what it’s like to meet evil wizards face-to-face…

Hermione:HARRY.

Harry:Oh yeah, right.

[Moody runs into the classroom and stands up the front.]

Moody:Rightio, Defence Against the Dark Arts. (He begins to pace up and down) The dark arts and defending yourself against them. The defence against arts which are dark. (Turns to face the class suddenly) Are you getting all this down?

[Hermione puts up her hand]

Moody:Yes, you with the… hair.

Hermione:Sir, aren’t you going to teach us any (s and jazz hands) magic?

Moody:Magic? Like, witches and stuff? I once met a few witches. Well, they were technically aliens but I guess witchery is the best term for what they were doing. How’d we stop them again? Oh yeah, with a poem. A sonnet! By Will himself. And the last word was, if I recall correctly, EXPELLIARMUS! Hang on-

[There is a loud thunderclap and everything shakes.]

Ron:(fearfully) What was that?

Hermione:Interintertextuality.

Moody:And, now for the lesson! (Takes the tube out of his pocket) Three unforgivable curses,crucio,(points it at student and he wriggles and screams in pain)imperio, (points it at different student and she immediately looks like a zombie-slave person thing) andavada ked-

[Just before Moody finishes the spell, Neville walks in and makes him stop in his tracks.]

Moody:Who are you?

Neville:(bored) Neville.

Moody:(suspicious) And what were you doing just then?

Neville:(shrugs) Taking my time.

Moody:NOT YOU TOO.

Neville:What?

Moody:YOU’RE COMING WITH ME, “NEVILLE”. CLASS DISMISSED.

[The Gryffindors run out, cheering. Moody grabs Neville by his collar and drags him into his office. Dramatic music.]

Scene 4:

[Draco and the gang are sitting in the Slytherin dormitory.]

Draco:I’m (s) suspicious of Mad-Eye.

Crabbe:Uh-huh.

Goyle:Hmm…

Draco:What is he (s) up to?

Crabbe:Uh-huh.

Goyle:Hmm…

Draco:I think we should do some (s) sleuthing.

Crabbe and Goyle:(together) ALLRIGHT!

[They all high-five. Happy music.]

Scene 5:

[Harry and Ron are playing wizard chess. Hermione comes into the room.]

Hermione:I have an (s) announcement.

Harry:Tell it to someone who cares.

Hermione:I’ve started a civil rights campaign.

Ron:I don’t care.

Hermione:It’s called “SPEW”.

Harry:(points behind him) Bathroom’s right there.

Hermione:And you both are in it!

[Harry looks at Ron. Ron looks at Harry.]

Harry:(sighs) FINE.

Ron:Only if you’ll (flirty s) do all the work for us.

Hermione:(testily) I do that anyway.

Ron:Right.

[Dramatic music.]

END OF EPISODE SIX

The End

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