[Harry is in the Dursley’s living room, with dozens of bags surrounding him. He is pacing nervously whilst the Dursley’s are all sitting around, doing various ordinary things.]
Harry:So, I am going to (s) leave soon.
Vernon:Yeah. (Takes a sip from his tea cup)
Harry:And I shall be gone (s) for the rest of the summer.
Petunia:So you said.
[There is a loud bang and suddenly the Durselys and Harry are standing/sitting in a pile of rubble. Arthur, Ron, Fred and George all appear next to Harry, all smiling.]
Vernon:Did you just blow up half my house?
Arthur:No, I think that was all of it.
Vernon:Right. (Pause) Shall we exchange insurance?
Arthur:Can’t you see. For I am (s) a wizard. And wizards do not have insurance. We have (s) wizard things.
Arthur:(s) Let’s go, Harry.
Harry:(s) Bye then! (He waves at the Dursley’s)
[The Dursley’s are still in shock about the fact that their home is now a piece of smoking rubble.]
Arthur:(angrily and shouting) (s) ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO HARRY FREAKING POTTER? HOW INCONSIDERATE!
[Fred and George are frowning at the Dursley’s]
Arthur:Let’s go, twins!
[Fred trips and spills some kind of sweet all over Dudley.]
Fred:Whoops, clumsy me!
George:‘Fraid it’s his knee.
[Arthur grabs the twins by their collars and flings them into the fireplace, which is miraculously still standing. The twins disappear.]
Arthur:Ron, (s) you next.
Ron:(s) What? But I-
[Arthur does likewise for Ron. Ron also disappears.]
Arthur:So, Harry I-
[They are interrupted by Petunia.]
[Dudley is on the floor, gasping for breath, his face purple.]
Arthur:What (s) happened?
Petunia:Dudley ate one of the sweets and it appears that his throat is constricting.
Vernon:And now he’s choking to death.
Petunia:It’s all very unfortunate.
[The Dursley’s stare at their dying son and sigh.]
Arthur:(s) Time for WIZARDRY! (Brandishes wand)
Harry:I best be going, then.
[Harry swivels into the fireplace and is gone. Arthur appears to be concentrating fiercely. Dudley continues to die. Vernon is reading the newspaper and Petunia tries to make tea out of broken crockery. Dramatic music.]
[Draco and the gang are sitting down for dinner at the Malfoy Manor.]
Draco:Try the unicorn soup, guys. (s) I made it myself.
Crabbe:(taking a sip) Ooh, endangered.
Goyle:Have we thought of a plan yet?
Draco:(s) For what again?
Goyle:(frowns) I think I’ve forgotten it.
Crabbe:(pats Goyle’s hand) I’m sure you’ll think of it soon.
[Harry and the gang and the entire Weasley family are all sitting down to dinner.]
Harry:So, (s) Percy what do you do?
Ron:NO HARRY DON’T-
Percy:I actually am working on this really interesting –
Ron:OH LOOK, POTATOES.
[Ron grabs a potato and shoves it into Percy’s mouth.]
Harry:(whispers to Ron) Thanks, mate.
Ron:(whispers back) No problem.
Percy:(spits out potato) MOTHER! Aren’t you going to discipline him?
Molly:(shouts) RON! Don’t use your fingers to touch food.
[Percy stands up, glares at everyone and runs away.]
Hermione:I’m really excited about (s) the Quidditch World Cup.
Charlie:Yeah, and I’m excited about (hesitates) … nothing.
Fred:Aw, poor Charlie is sad.
George:It’s just a passing fad.
Charlie:Yeah, because (s) nothing is coming to your school involving two other magical wizarding schools.
Harry:(s) How did you get out here?
Arthur:Anyway, it’s an early start in the morning. We’re travelling by (s) Portkey.
[Draco and the gang are playing cards in the drawing room at Malfoy Manor.]
Crabbe:Do you have a seven?
[Crabbe sulkily picks up a card.]
Goyle:(slaps head) I just remembered!
Draco:Remembered what? (to Crabbe) Got any sevens?
Goyle:What we’re meant to be scheming about!
Crabbe:Does your hand contains sevens?
Draco:Go fish. (to Goyle) And what exactly is that?
Goyle:Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger (s) stole our band name!
[Draco and Goyle drop their hands.]
Draco:(s) Oh, it’s on.
[Harry and the gang, Arthur, the twins and Ginny are walking in the woods.]
Harry:I can’t believe we’re going to sleep in a (s) tent.
Ron:(shrugs) As long as we have enough to eat.
Harry:(rattles her cage) SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD.
Hermione:Who is (s) that?
[Cedric and his father Amos appear.]
Arthur:Amos! My friend!
Cedric:Hey, Hermione. Hey, Ginny.
[Harry and Ron turn to Ginny and Hermione, who are giggling.]
Amos:I’m afraid Cedric has a (s) condition. I hope the boys don’t mind carrying his stuff.
Arthur:(s) Of course not.
[Harry, Ron and the twins get loaded up with a lot of stuff.]
Cedric:And you ladies can carry my arms.
[Cedric puts his arms around both Hermione and Ginny. Seeing Ron and Harry staring at him, he winks.]
Ron:He’s so (s) sparkly.
Fred:Oi! The Portkey’s just ahead.
George:So you lot better get out of bed.
[They arrive at a big blue box on the middle of a hillside.]
Harry: What’s (s) that?
Ron:Don’t ask me!
Arthur:It’s a (s) Portkey.
Hermione:(s)But why is it-
Amos:Just a piece of garbage? Because then Muggles won’t touch it.
[Hermione glances at Ginny and shakes her head sadly.]
Arthur:(s) Everyone hold on!
[Everyone except for Harry touches the box.]
Amos:(s) Just touch it.
[Harry touches the box.]
Arthur:(looking at watch) Five…
Cedric:Potter, you’re in my spot.
[Cedric pushes Harry away from the box.]
Harry:(glowers) Cedric, you’ve just made an enemy.
[Harry lunges for the box and slaps his hand on it.]
Arthur:… one and lift off!
[They all disappear to the sound of “VWORP VWORP” and reappear at the Quidditch World Cup.]
Arthur:Welcome (s) to the Quidditch World Cup.
END OF EPISODE TWO