Woeful Wizards: Goblet of FireMature

A new year, a new start. Or is it?

Scene 1:

[Frank, an old man, is sitting outside a door, listening to mutant-like Voldemort who is sitting with his feet up on a chair, Peter who is standing a little behind him and David Tennant Barty Crouch Jr. who is kneeling beside Voldemort. Spooky music is playing in the background.]

Voldemort:Are all the plans in (s) place?

Peter:Yes, my lord.

Voldemort:And what about (s) you, Barty?

Barty:Well, (breathes out heavily through his mouth) can’t say that I’m not.

Voldemort:But remember, we don’t have a lot oftimeso you can’t golordingover us. Geddit?

Barty:(breaks until hysterical laughter) Good one, that’s a good one.

[Nagini comes out behind Frank, sliding past and startling him.]

Nagini:Dayum gurl! Yo move dat fat ass.

[Nagini slides up to Voldemort.]

Voldemort:What da hell took you so long, nigga?

Nagini:Dis bitch in da hallway be cramping ma style.

Frank:(to himself) Surely he cannot understand that serpents tongue?

Voldemort:Yo, bro, I got ya back. (shouts) PETE!

Peter:(raises hand) Right here.

Voldemort:Oops. Sorry I yelled.

Peter:That’s fine.

Voldemort:Bring our… visitor in.

[Peter opens the door and brings in Frank by his arm.]

Frank:(shrugs Peter off) YOU! (Points his finger at Voldemort) Feet off the upholstery!

Voldemort:(frowns) Of course, what a reasonable request, I’ll just (s)AVADA KEDAVRA!

[Frank collapses on the floor in a heap. There is a silence of a few seconds.]

Barty:Excellent… wand work, Master.

[The camera does some sort of transition thing. Either it is zoom-y, or flash-y. It goes to Harry in his bed. A moment later, Harry sits up in his bed.]

Harry:(s) VOLDEMORT!

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 2:

[Draco and the gang are at Malfoy Manor.]

Draco:A lot (s) happened last year.

Crabbe:… I know.

Goyle: (s) How are we ever going to overcome these barriers?

[Silence]

Draco:I am SO excited for the Quidditch World Cup.

Goyle:Me too.

Crabbe:It’s going to be super!

[Happy music.]

Scene 3:

[Harry is in his room, pacing.]

Harry:(s) What should I do? (s) Who can I tell? Hermione will just suggest a trained professional and Ron will ask his dad, a person who has access to resources I can only dream about…

Hedwig:(in her cage and whispers) Foreshadowing…

Harry:(s) Stop hooting ,Hedwig. I know! I’ll shall write to my most trusted friend and advisor, Sirius Black!

[Harry sits down at his desk and he writes the following:]

Dear Sirius,

How are you? I hope you are well. I’m (s) fine.

Love,

Harry.

PS I am actually an extremely confused and vulnerable youth. Please give me some advice.

PPS Particularly about girls.

PPPS And fame.

PPPPS Oh, and no biggie, but I kind of dreamt that Voldemort had returned from the grave and that he was slowly returning to his full power. Weird, right?

[After completing the letter, Harry seals the letter with a kiss and hands it to Hedwig. Dramatic music plays as he stares at Hedwig “flying” off into the sunset.]

Scene 4:

[At the Burrow. Ron and his entire family are sitting down for a meal.]

Molly:So, how was everyone’s day?

Percy:Well, actually, I-

George:Perce, just shut the hell up.

Fred:The wall; that is what you are driving me up.

Ginny:(appears to be wearing a mound of rags) Muh hmm…

Arthur:I have (s) news, family.

[Everyone swivels to Arthur.]

Arthur:I have tickets to (pause for EMPHASIS) the Quidditch World Cup.

[Dramatic music]

Arthur:And you can all (s) bring friends.

[Dramatic music.]

Bill:I’ll bring Charlie!

Charlie:I’ll bring Bill!

Percy:I’ll bring my growing sense of estrangement from my family.

George:Dibs on Fred.

Fred:Damn, I wanted Dobby instead.

Ron:(to himself) Who should I chose? Harry (s) or Hermione?

Ginny:Can I bring a friend?

[Everyone bursts out laughing. Ginny shrinks away]

Arthur:(still chuckling) Ginny, love, I think Ron will just lend one of his friends to go with you.

Ron:(stands up abruptly and raises hands above his head) SUCCESS!

Scene 5:

[Harry is also sitting down to dinner with the Dursleys]

Harry:Sorry I was (s) late.

Vernon:Whatever. What’s for dinner?

Petunia:Salad.

Dudley:(sighs) Oh, not again.

[The phone rings.]

Petunia:(stands up) That’ll be the phone.

[She exits. The doorbell rings]

Vernon:I’ll get it.

[Vernon exits. There is a moment of silence.]

Dudley:So, Harry, what were you up to?

Harry:(stares at Dudley) Just talking to my (s) friends.

Dudley:(frowns) I thought you didn’t have any friends.

Harry:Maybe not. (Leans close to Dudley’s ear and whispers) But I have cake.

Dudley:(gasps) What?

[Vernon and Petunia come back in. Vernon is holding a letter.]

Vernon:It’s all very odd.

Harry:(s away and whispers) I know.

Petunia:What is it, dear?

Vernon:A letter for us, about Harry.

Harry:(stands up and shouts) WHAT’S SO WEIRD ABOUT THAT, HUH?

Vernon:It’s written in blood.

[Dramatic music.]

Scene 6:

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are all in their sleeping bags, gossiping.]

Crabbe:Have you seen the way she looks at (s) Dean Thomas?

Draco:(s) Who?

Crabbe:Ginny Weasley.

Draco:She is NOT going out with HIM.

Goyle:(s) How do you know?

Draco:(smugly) A gentleman never tells.

Crabbe:(hits Draco with a pillow) PILLOW FIGHT!

[Draco laughs, grab his own pillow and hits Crabbe with his own pillow. They roll about on the floor, giggling. Goyle sits on the sidelines, mouth agape. Friendship music.]

Scene 7:

[Back at 4 Privet Drive.]

Harry:(icily) Just because they are poor and can’t afford ink so they have to write in their own blood, do you think it’s okay if you discriminate against them?

Vernon:Well, I-

Harry:Give me that.

[Harry stands up, snatches the letter and sits back down, all the time glaring at Vernon.]

Dudley:What does it say, cousin?

Harry:I am (s) speechless.

Petunia:(frowns) Oh dear. I think I have medication for that.

Harry:Uncle, can I go to (s) the Quidditch World Cup?

Vernon:… sure. (turns to Petunia) You better hurry up with that medication.

[Petunia nods and walks out of the room.]

Harry:YES!

[Harry jumps into the air, hands above his head, his expression ecstatic. It freeze frames on that image.]

END OF EPISODE ONE

The End

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