Who Broke Reality?

Note: This is not a fan-fiction of any particular series, as you will come to discover if you keep reading.

 

PROLOGUE

I was still in disbelief when I woke up. I assured myself it was all a bad dream. But then, why wasn't I in my own bed?

This was a hospital room.

I looked to my left, and gaped. "Wow," I exclaimed.

She opened her eyes and rolled over, "Wha- where am I?"

"We're in a hospital. Wow, I can't believe I'm in a hospital room with you. I'm a big fan," I blabbered. "Can I get an autograph?"

"Huh?" said Sarah, scratching her head. "You know me?"

"Everyone knows you, you're Sarah Michelle Gellar!"

"Me? No."

"Well, you sure look like her. What's your name then?"

She extended a hand towards me, "Buffy Summers, and you are?"

I frowned. I had been willing to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and I was hoping that this encounter was just some sick joke, following a delusional dream.

Then, the girl in the bed on my right sat up and pointed at Sarah Michelle Gellar, "You! What are you? Your eyes, they're normal. Why were you trying to kill my boyfriend with a wooden stake?"

I blinked in confusion.

"That guy was your boyfriend? I'm sorry, I mistook him for a vampire."

Crap.

"Well, you got us all electrocuted pretty bad. Wait, what? How do you know that he's a vampire?"

"Oh, he's not a vampire. I don't know what he is. But he doesn't burn in sunlight. In fact, he sparkles. It's quite odd, wouldn't you say?"

I swear to you that I am not delusional. I am, in fact, or so it seems, sitting in a bed between Bella Swan and Buffy Summers.

"I've gotten used to it - but what was that thing that attacked us?"

"I can answer that!" I exclaimed. "It was a fictitious electric rodent known as a -"

"Fictitious!?"

"Yes, you're both fictitious too, and," I looked toward the open doorway with amusement, where a man stood, "so is he. But I'm not."

Our doctor walked in, leaning on a cane, and sat opposite my bed in a chair. He hadn't shaved. Classic. Oh, look, there. He put his hand in his pocket and reached for a bottle of Vicodin-hydrocodone.

"How's the Vicodin?" I asked.

He didn't answer. Instead, he turned his hand around, still holding the bottle, so that he could make sure that his fingers had in fact been obscuring the label. "Is everyone in this building on a first name basis with my pharmacist!?"

Buffy frowned, "Lucky guess?"

"Well, you're clearly from a work of fiction," he muttered. "Anyone else?"

"Tomorrow night at 9 PM on FOX," I answered. "And no pharmacist in his right mind would-"

"Ahah!" the doctor exclaimed. "You're yet another patient with this collective delusion that certain people aren't real!"

I frowned. "Mr. Laurie, I mean... Gregory, do you recognize her?" I pointed at Buffy, then at Bella. "Or her? Or me?"

"Yes, I've tried googling her naked, many times."

Buffy frowned, and I mouthed the words 'He's always an ass'.

"And it seems likely that this one needs a blood transfusion."

Bella let herself fall back onto her bed, looking pale and anxious.

He turned to me, "You, though, I am unfamiliar with. Perhaps I've googled you naked?"

"Let's hope not," I said, trying not to blush. "Well, I'm glad someone is real. Err... I mean - isn't surreal."

"The only person who believes I'm the real deal is our chief of medicine," Dr. House told us. "That is to say, she's one of few who doesn't find me amusing. Meanwhile, I've got this crazy, absent-minded subordinate on my hands who worships the ground I walk on. But let's put that matter aside. Do you know who's responsible for what happened to the three of you?"

Bella sat up. She and Buffy both pointed at one another with angry sneers.

"Twelve year old boy, blue jacket, red and white hat, about yay-high, goes by the name of Ash Ketchum," I supplied.

"And how does a twelve year old boy electrocute three people in an alleyway?"

"He ordered a tamed animal of sorts to do so."

"Umm... well, I've heard weirder things than that today."

"A Pikachu. Have you heard of them?"

He momentarily lifted a Nintendo DS out of the front pocket of his labcoat, as he nodded. "Hospital policy. For the morale."

"Okay, so the little brat comes onto the scene as Bella and Buffy are trying to sort out their confusion, and her sparkly boyfriend runs away into the shadows. Meanwhile, Ash's Pokédex beeps, telling him that there's a Buffy present."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "As if I'm some kind of Pokémon... buffy, buff... buffy!"

Bella giggled. It was obnoxious, I don't know how Edward puts up with that sound.

"So he sends out his Pikachu, and then this British girl holding a twig tries to save us..."

"Hermione Granger?" asked Dr. House.

"None other," I replied. "And so Pikachu starts hitting her, and zapping the two of them, and Hermione yells 'Expelliarmus!' and sends Ash's pokéballs falling off his belt. But he grabs another from his bag, a blue one with a 'U' on it, and throws it at Buffy - who at this point is unconscious."

"And?" asked Dr. House, sounding utterly amused and at a loss for sarcastic banter.

"She turned into some shiny light, which all went into the ball as it opened, and then the ball tilted from side to side for a while before breaking open, releasing Buffy."

Buffy frowned.

"Well, I'm going to ask you three to take some tests, to see if there are any long-term effects. However, I'm lazy and swamped with a series of ridiculous cases. And it doesn't seem like you were actually electrocuted, as you are, in context of this bizarre day, not showing any signs of brain damage other than two of you being suicidally in love with vampires."

"Can you stop looking at me like that? It's making me uncomfortable," said Buffy.

Bella smiled nervously. "Where's the bathroom?"

"You don't want to go to the bathroom right now. We've had two plumbers in all day trying to work on the building's systems, to no avail. I sent John Dorian to check up on them, but he came back a few hours later suffering from severe hallucinations and mumbling something about crazy Italians, giant mushrooms and repeating the words 'floating head doctor is actually floating, yippee'."

Bella frowned.

Buffy and I exchanged a knowing glance.

"I sent him to Dr. Cuddy to be assigned to someone else who would be more appreciative of his... antics."

And it was not long before we got out the door that Buffy turned to me, "I need someone with a full knowledge of all things mainstream fiction, and so far you're the best I've got. Care to help me get to the bottom of this?"

I shrugged, "Sure, why not? The police seemed to have their hands full this morning. And after all... you are the slayer."

"Good. Regardless of whether or not I'm real, we need to set things straight so that I can get back to my world, and you can get back to yours. I'm certain this isn't Sunnydale."

We both turned our heads towards the street. In the distance, I saw what looked to be a giant gorilla climbing an apartment building.

I shook my head, "It sure ain't, not today."

The End

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