Who am I?

There was a period after my operation where I questioned who I was, as a person.

There is a crack in the ceiling above me as I stare at it.  The more I stare at it, the more I convince that the crack is getting wider, preparing itself to swallow me into its black abyss; I chuckle to myself to think it would happen, though part of me sees the same crack in my soul; I'm incomplete.

The pain from the operation makes its presence known to me, something that I cannot ignore; will never be able to ignore.  The painkillers only dull it, it will never be eradicated.  I ask myself if I will ever be able to rid myself of the pain, to never be reliant on painkillers, to be able to feel without fear of the pain being there; the answer I already know, no.  

Sadness and sorrow fill my heart and soul as I lay in bed watching the months roll by, watching my friends continue on with their lives as I sit here, in bed, allowing time to heal my wounds, albeit slowly.  

I question myself as to who I really am; staring off into the distance contemplating what my existence means to me, still staring at the crack in the ceiling, staring at the crack in my soul.

I am a son, a brother and a boyfriend.  A best friend, a companion and a soulmate.  But even then, I didn't feel that it satisfied what my existence meant to me.  I am a realist, a scepticist and a scientist.  A photographer, a pianist and a writer.

Gradually, I piece together the fragments of what I am, who I am.  Piece by piece, I begin to see the bigger picture to what I thought was an impossible puzzle to complete.  The crack in the ceiling begins to shrink and so does the crack in my soul.

I realise that even though there are pieces missing to the puzzle, I have only started the adventure of my life; with time, the puzzle will begin to complete itself and this operation - it is only a minor setback, an obstacle that I have overcome, that has made me appreciate who I really am as a person.

I loathe having the operation, and yet I am thankful for having it; it has made me see the person I am, and the person who I want to be.

The End

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