Kim Hyoyeon POV
Dear diary, i’m sorry for not being able to write in you for a while.
Today i cried, just like yesturday and the day before that”
I bit my lip trying to controll my laughter,
there was nothing funny, but i wanted to laugh, not just a little giggle but a huge laugh.
One that could be heard miles away, like the laughter that used to be directed towards me when i walked the school hallways, thats the kind of laugh i wanted.
As always i can’t seem to controll my laughter,
i want to laugh, but when i laugh i cry.
The doctors say that crying is bad, but whats so bad
Little giggles escaped my mouth, my hands tried to grip on to the pencil
in my hand, but my laughter wouldn’t allow it,
finally i burst out laughing, falling of my chair like a crazy person.
But i’m not crazy am i?
All my life people called me crazy, but i know i’m not crazy, i’m perfectly fine.
Sorry if i’m getting you wet again diary, my tears won’t stop falling,
when my laughter dies, the tears that come along with it stays.
Tear drops hit the pages of the diary,
once the tears started the painfull memories of Siwon followed.
I saw blood splattering me and him, and how he sorrowfully fell into the river
betrayed by the one he loved.
I was so scared. so i ran away but now ... i’m here.
I’ve been in the same room for ...548 days.
Do i deserve to live diary?
Shouldn’t i be dead too? Or am i already dead?
I always asked these kind of questions to my doctor, diary and visitors.
But i always got the same answer,
no matter who i asked the same answer always awaited me.
I was always unsure of what the real answer was.
The idea of laughter returned to my brain so i started to laugh again.
Am i alive? or am i already dead?
I can’t tell the diffrence maybe i should check.
I took the pencil i was writing with and quickly stabbed my arm
the sharp point went though my skin like paper.
Blood came out of the wound.
I pulled the pencil out of my arm and stabbed my thigh instead.
Blood splattered on my diary and on my clothes. But i don’t mind.
The sight on blood once again reminded me of Siwon.
Pain thats what i felt.
I’m still alive...
I janked the pencil out of my thigh causing the bruise to widen.
I’m still alive, feeling pain means that i’m alive right?
I don’t want to be alive.
Sorry for staining you wih my blood again.
I had to check, because i felt very unsure today.
As small pools of blood formed on the floor i constantly giggled.
People who laugh always look happy.
So maybe if i continued to laugh i would be happy.
You could feel no pain if you laughed.
Diary i’m laughing right now.
But i don’t feel happy, why don’t i feel happy?
I wan’t to feel happy but instead, i always feel pain.
Is pain happiness?
If my theory about pain being happiness was correct,
then maybe i’ve been feeling happy all along.
I countinued to stab my self in diffrent spots on my body.
Each time blood exited the wounds.
Maybe blood could reprecent the smiles
that came with happyness.
My theory is right diary.
everytime is feel pain my smile grows wider.
I laughed at myself for finally finding the true meaning of happiness.
Pain, the pain that i always felt turned out to be happiness.
So i was happy this whole time, My smile grew till it started to hurt.
But it didn’t matter. pain was happiness after all.
I’m so happy right now diary.
I’m a genius for finding the true meaning of happiness.
Thats all for today.
Tomorrow is a secret being keept from both of us
I smiled at the blood stained diary pages in front of me.
Everytime is saw blood i remembered Siwon.
My heart started to ache from the memories of him.
But pain is happiness so i guess, my heart felt happy remebering the good times
i spent with my lover.
I stood up and started to walk over to the bed on the other side of the room.
Which used to be completely white, but now it was red all over.
As i countinued to walk over to the bed it felt like forever until i reached.
It felt like the thoughts of Siwon uccupied my mind and it feelt like i zooned ut for a while.
I sat down in my bed and took the jar of pills on the table.
I took out a few of the red pills and swallowed them together with a glas of water.
I let the almost emty glass fall and hit the floor.
It scattered, and a few shards hit my legs.
They started to bleed,
I laid down under neath the bed sheets.
Pain thats what i felt, pain is happyness though.
So i smiled knowing pain was good for me.
But why do i feel like crying?
Crying is bad right?
In order to be happier i sat up again and
started to bang my head into the wall.
I kept doing that for a while.
I feel so much pain right now... i must be really happy.
I thought to myself.
Tears formed at the corner of my eyes
as blood trickled down my face.
I finally stopped and laid down again.
This time all i could do was cry.
Because i knew that no matter how much
I lied and pretended that pain is happiness,
I knew that deep down inside, pain is anything but happiness.