Ambera TiltmanMature

Ambera Tiltman


Right so. I'm a whale? 

Except yesterday I was a girl.

But now I'm a whale. 

So. I died yesterday. Yeah, I think so. I mean I'm obviously not alive. But i am.. except that now I'm a whale. 

I never really believed in all that New Age hocus-pocus about reincarnation but shit, I'm a whale. 

I'm a fucking whale. I'm terrified of water! What a horribly cruel joke this is. Or a dream. But no, I'm pretty sure I'm a bajilion times bigger than I was yesterday and I'm missing some limbs. I've got these flipper things, it's a ton easier to get around without limbs. 

I just had a manicure. Well that's too bad now isn't it.

Like I've had this deep deep fear of deep water since forever. I went to the beach to, like, tan, not to swim. I had a fantastic tan, I hope they have an open casket funeral for me if this is real. They should put me in that little blue sun dress I have, really brought out the colour in my eyes. I hope someone remembers to straighten my hair too, it looks really scary when it goes all fluffy and huge.

Right. I'm a whale. I don't have hair, I have fucking blubber. Jesus. Blubber! That's why I'm not all goose bumpy down here I guess, because I think it would be pretty cold. I'm in an ocean, well it seems salty. And it's incredibly deep. I can't even see the bottom. 


Oh my god! I just ate something! A whole little swarm of somethings, little things. I'm a vegetarian. I just ate livingthings. Maybe I am dreaming this, I would never eat living things.

Christ I feel like I'm drowning a bit. I don't think I would dream feeling like this, shit this must be real. Oh right, I guess whales breathe air now don't they? I should do that. 


Well that's better. 

So the last thing I remember before being dropped into incredibly dark water was being in my car. I was listening to the Jonas Brothers and driving with my best friend Carrie to Fernando's to have a brazilian done. And then we crashed, I think, but everything gets kind of blurry and bubbly after that and then I get plopped into this freakin scary water.

And now I'm a whale. This doesn't make much sense. I wonder if Carrie's a whale too?

Caawwweee. Apparently, whales don't talk. What a completely unflattering noise that is. Like a moaning squeal. 

I could use a venti latte, this is seriously stressful. And a Thai massage. I think I had an appointment for one on Wednesday, I do hope mummy remembers to cancel that for me. Paki, my Thai masseuse (except I think she's really Mexican, she's always listening to Ricki Martin in the background when I call) gets angry when I don't show up and forget to cancel.


The End

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