What it Takes.
It had been a little over three years since his family was murdered and Dave Magnus still felt the pains of a devastating loss. He had lost a wife and 3 beautiful children and they were wrongfully taken from him.
it wasn't till the investigation had begun that he had found out his wifes problem. As close as they had been, she had concealed from him her gambling problem. He was totaly caught unawares when the detective told him that he was lucky to still be alive, that usually mob hit such as these leave no one alive. When he asked the detective what he had meant by "mob hit's" he was told that evidently his wife had barrowed a substantial amount of money from the Russian mob to help fuel her gambling addiction.
After three years of grieving for his lost family, Dave finally got the phone call he had been waiting for. He had just arrived home from work where he was an english teacher and a small town highschool in the small town of Medina, Ohio. Just as he set his brief case and keys down, the phone rang.
"hello?"
"where is our Money?" said an unknown person with a heavy eastern European accent.
"who is this?" Dave replied, although he knew exactly who it was.
"You owe us 300,000 US Dollars," said the accented voice. " you have three weeks to collect and deliver. you will be notified at a later date of a drop point location in downtown Cleveland."
With that being said the unknown caller hung up, leaving Dave speechless. It took him a moment to realize and procees the demand that had just been made of him. He now was in debt to the Russian mob $300,000. That was the first thought that raced through his mind. The second was a feeling of overwhelming despair that he felt at learning the true extent of how deep his late wife's problems had really been.
"300,000? where in the world am I going to come up with 300,000 dollars?" Thought Dave.
Being a school teacher at a small town highschool didn't exactly leave you basking in riches. Granted, for the past three years Dave has lived comfortably by himself, he didn't live comfortably enough to shell out 300,000 dollars at the drop of a dime.
His initial reaction to this new demand and information about his wife, was one of depair. That was quickly replaced by rage. Rage and hatred nearly consumed his entire mind, almost totally blacking out the cold hard fact that he owed the Russian mob 300,000 dollars. Mind filled with with poisoned hatred, one desire pounded repeatedly through his mind. So forceful was this desire that it felt like he was going to lose his grip on sanity. He immediately recognized what it was he disired most. For the things most dear to him that were taken, he wanted cold blooded revenge. Nothing else would satisfy him.
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This chapter reads better to me because it's all action and we see Dave's thoughts rather than just being told about them if you get me - you've got into your stride maybe.
Not sure why he was so afraid of these guys tho since he took one of them out with no probs - kind of detracts from the threat they pose to him.
Would like to see what happens next tho, in Cleveland.
Enjoying this but maybe someone else can add a chapter. I know absolutely nothing about guns or anything like that so would just mess up the details."
a self-confessed prologue-hater, thats me"
IT is fun and IT helps you learn not to use IT as often to start."
It is a great story, but for God's sake download FireFox or something, cuz it has a spell checker and it will REMIND you when to use capitals :P.
Other than that I give it a five. I write in exposition style too and theres nothing wrong with that, people who don't like it are also the same people who hate prologues in stories :). Everyone has their own opinion and style of writing.
BUT, most people on this site will not branch on something if its either too long or too detailed."
Feedback as requested. You have an interesting set-up, imo, but need to do more to make your story unique. As is stands it reads more like a synopsis of a plot rather than a story. You are telling us stuff rather than showing it to us as a scene and I think trying to fit in too much here.
This could be excellent, so keep at it, you just need, imo, to concentrate on particular scenes, describing them instead of listing events - which is a trap that's so easy to fall into we've all done it.
Hope that helps in some way, but it's all just my opinion so feel free to totally ignore the above. ;)"