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What it Takes.

It had been a little over three years since his family was murdered and Dave Magnus still felt the pains of a devastating loss. He had lost a wife and 3 beautiful children and they were wrongfully taken from him.

it wasn't till the investigation had begun that he had found out his wifes problem. As close as they had been, she had concealed from him her gambling problem. He was totaly caught unawares when the detective told him that he was lucky to still be alive, that usually mob hit such as these leave no one alive. When he asked the detective what he had meant by "mob hit's" he was told that evidently his wife had barrowed a substantial amount of money from the Russian mob to help fuel her gambling addiction.

After three years of grieving for his lost family, Dave finally got the phone call he had been waiting for. He had just arrived home from work where he was an english teacher and a small town highschool in the small town of Medina, Ohio. Just as he set his brief case and keys down, the phone rang.

"hello?"

"where is our Money?" said an unknown person with a heavy eastern European accent.

"who is this?" Dave replied, although he knew exactly who it was.

"You owe us 300,000 US Dollars," said the accented voice. " you have three weeks to collect and deliver. you will be notified at a later date of a drop point location in downtown Cleveland."

With that being said the unknown caller hung up, leaving Dave speechless. It took him a moment to realize and procees the demand that had just been made of him. He now was in debt to the Russian mob $300,000. That was the first thought that raced through his mind. The second was a feeling of overwhelming despair that he felt at learning the true extent of how deep his late wife's problems had really been.

"300,000? where in the world am I going to come up with 300,000 dollars?" Thought Dave.

Being a school teacher at a small town highschool didn't exactly leave you basking in riches. Granted, for the past three years Dave has lived comfortably by himself, he didn't live comfortably enough to shell out 300,000 dollars at the drop of a dime.

His initial reaction to this new demand and information about his wife, was one of depair. That was quickly replaced by rage. Rage and hatred nearly consumed his entire mind, almost totally  blacking out the cold hard fact that he owed the Russian mob 300,000 dollars. Mind filled with with poisoned hatred, one desire pounded repeatedly through his mind. So forceful was this desire that it felt like he was going to lose his grip on sanity. He immediately recognized what it was he disired most. For the things most dear to him that were taken, he wanted cold blooded revenge. Nothing else would satisfy him.

  

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10 COMMENTS ABOUT THIS STORY RSS

Just Chatting
Monkette "Hey I would pretty p____d off too if I discovered that I owed the Russion mob a load of cash! So let's see what he does about it . . ."
Just Chatting
wiggler05 "thanks everybody i appreciate it."
Just Chatting
Writers_Block "Haha don't I know IT.... :D"
Just Chatting
seldom "lol WB

a self-confessed prologue-hater, thats me
"
Just Chatting
Writers_Block "One more thing, try to avoid using IT, when starting sentences, you did IT twice here haha, and IT is a little played out using IT to start sentence work. Be more creative, when you start with IT go back and restructure the sentence so you can use a different word.
IT is fun and IT helps you learn not to use IT as often to start.
"
Just Chatting
Writers_Block "Okay so I'm the spelling and grammar police and you are definitely getting a fine. Capitals, capitals, capitals!!! I can't stress that enough, it really is my biggest pet peeve when I see a great story like this and the author neglects the number one rule. Capitalize at the beginning of every sentence.
It is a great story, but for God's sake download FireFox or something, cuz it has a spell checker and it will REMIND you when to use capitals :P.
Other than that I give it a five. I write in exposition style too and theres nothing wrong with that, people who don't like it are also the same people who hate prologues in stories :). Everyone has their own opinion and style of writing.
BUT, most people on this site will not branch on something if its either too long or too detailed.
"
Just Chatting
seldom "Hi,

Feedback as requested. You have an interesting set-up, imo, but need to do more to make your story unique. As is stands it reads more like a synopsis of a plot rather than a story. You are telling us stuff rather than showing it to us as a scene and I think trying to fit in too much here.
This could be excellent, so keep at it, you just need, imo, to concentrate on particular scenes, describing them instead of listing events - which is a trap that's so easy to fall into we've all done it.

Hope that helps in some way, but it's all just my opinion so feel free to totally ignore the above. ;)
"
Just Chatting
yingguoren "This is a great premise for a story, and you have put a lot of emotion into just this first chapter: love, anger, betrayal, fear. I will keep a watch on this story and might add to it later."
Just Chatting
wiggler05 "feel free to comment on the story. i'm looking for feedback whether it is liked or not. thanks"

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