The end of the honeymoon period was marked by a time when she left for a place where the sun always shined.
Before she departed for Norway, she met with him in the night on the dark street. She had a weight to lift off her chest. She told him her passion would starve being chained. She knew she never did well under confinement. She asked him if he would be interested in seeing other people over the summer. He didn't respond, his full blond hair covering his face. When he looked up, there were tears rolling down his cat green eyes.
"You think what we have is replaceable?"
And she was overwhelmed with dilemma. She never wanted to close a door on an opportunity that could lead to something better, but she couldn't close a door on something she wasn't exactly sure she was getting.
"If you find someone else over the summer, I wont be here when you get back." And he sealed her confinement. She thought of all his patience, all his respect and positive energy, and all the good he'd done for her. She could never close a door on something so wonderful. Kept in the naive, she was convinced she was getting the best. And she cried too.
She flew off to a Norway summer camp thinking of him nonstop. Every new activity she wished he were experiencing alongside her, every challenge she wished he were there to comfort her. She often cried alone in her bed wishing her were there. She missed his smile, his comfort, his eyes, his enthusiasm.
She distracted herself by throwing herself completely into the task of unifying everyone and making it a family. She brought people together through sports, crafts, hikes, and most of all singing. Then she met the other singer. His name was Carl.
There was no awkwardness about Carl. His flowing long dark hair and long stride made him look like a wizard. He hugged her before he had met her, no restraints. They sung together all the time in their own little world of harmonious tunes and connection. They took pride in their strange meeting places like the hammache, or under Carl's blanket cape to hold spontaneous discussions about the weird things mankind does. They brought out the weird in each other, among food fights and ballroom dancing, there was larping and sword play, carving stone and preforming improv. She was young again, she was free.
They talked for ages about everything and anything. They spent so much time together he could be telling a story, and she could stop him and describe the scene the way he pictured it without ever having seen it.
She promised herself he would become her best friend. He made that impossible.
They spent every moment together. In the rainy days of Norway every moment was filled with the sunshiney warmth of a great time.
One day they were lying the hammache together and she asked him how it was possible for him to be so happy all the time. His answer was he used to be depressed about everything, and then his parents got divorced. He realized there was no need to get upset about the things that didn't matter. His carefree lifestyle inspired her, and made her question the struggles she'd fight back at home side by side with her green eyed companion. She realized she didn't want to fight battles, she wanted to release the upset and focus on the good. In such a happy environment, it looked like Carl had all the answers. He had everything going for him.
He was the only guy who had successfully snuck out to the girls rooms without getting caught, and he did this frequently. But he would never come into her room, it was always the girls next door's room. It was here, hearing them laughing on the other side of the wall was she over come with the most overwhelming sense of longing.
She couldn't take the pain, and retreated to a small nook in the barn made cozy by blanket and pillows where she read her journal of crazy adventures and cried alone so confused. She couldn't love Carl, she was obligated to stay true to her man back home. All she wanted was a hug.
Either by fate or coincidence Carl walked into the barn. He pulled her to her feet, and walked her into the middle of the barn floor where he bowed, and clasped one hand around her waist, and interlocked his fingers with hers. Then they began to waltz.
In a magical moment where all problems are settled, she leaned in to embrace the comfort of distraction instead of talking her way through all discomforts.
From that moment on, a wave of happiness flooded her entire being every time Carl entered the room. Her eyes would flash in delight when he smiled at her, and he made her soul sparkle at even the faintest brush of her skin.
The guilt killed her inside. It drove her to tears. She loved the freedom and passion she felt around Carl. But she couldn't be sure to how much of that was due to her man back home. It could be a dillusion because she missed him and she was creating someone else. Or perhaps Carl fell for her because she was so much happy from being with someone back home. Or maybe it was because she wouldn't let herself love someone that she wanted it all the more.
She hated the uncertainty. She hated she couldn't be reminded about the things she loved about her man, that he wasn't there to defend himself. All she could think of were the parts she disliked. She could only see him as an obsticle in the way of her and Carl, and thinking that only worsened her guilt.
She had to end it. She pulled Carl into an empty room and spilled all her thoughts. She told him of her feelings, she told him of her confusion and her guilt over her boyfriend. And she cried telling him how hard it was to deal with and her proposal to distance each other.
The pain in his face caused her to feel like someone had stabbed her from the inside out. He told her he had feelings for her too, and was unaware of all the pain it caused her. He proposed to give her three days to go hiking and think about what she wanted where she wanted to take things.
The next three days she battled the uphills and cold water externally, and the conflicting emotions internally. On day one all she felt was loneliness. She felt empty without a companion. The day she felt conflicted. She missed the comfort of both laughing away pain, and talking through it. On the third day she decided in the long run, talking through problems is what gets things solved, and while Carl was a fun fling, they couldn't last.
Telling the news to Carl broke her heart a second time, and she doubted her choice. She was so confused about how to keep away pain. Then she heard the best advice:
Do what you want because you want to, not because you feel you have to.
And so she resolved to break away from them both and be free. Camp ended and she flew back home preparing herself for how to break the news to her other love.
As soon as she saw him she was reminded of all the things she missed most, and guilt ate her insides once more. How could she have chosen to leave this behind to fall for someone else?
Her guilt drove her to follow through what she had started, and she severed the healing ties once more. But they couldn't be severed. He refused. He told her he wanted to be there for her during her hard recovery. His unwavering loyalty brought ever more guilt.
Unfortunately, the problem with this increasing stack of guilt was it caused her extreme termoil inside, and she found herself uncomfortable with him. She had flung herself after a far away comfort and didn't deserve to receive such a devoted love.
To relieve the tension, or perhaps distance herself from it, she searched for excuses to lessen him down to a level equal to hers, or give reasons to distance the two. She became judgmental in the relationship, unraveling all he had done to satisfy her, and then she lashed out at him when he wasn't all she expected him to be. Worst of all, she compared him to Carl. She compared two different people under two different circumstances, during two times- one of satisfying struggle and one of extreme euphoria. And she favored the image that couldn't be altered from perfect.
By doing that, she not only fell out of love, but made his life increasingly unpleasant. Her venom was inserted into the relationship as well as both partners and all three slowly worsened.