The weekend was survivable. I went to galaxy land on Sunday with my friend Sofiya. We made fun of a whole bunch of strange people wearing masks. We called them strange boys in Ukrainian. It was fun.
I made it through Monday but Tuesday was slightly difficult. My Baba’s sister, Auntie Elsie was in the hospital dying of cancer. Yes, dying. She was in pain and there was no hope, only a matter of time now…
After school, Mama and I grabbed some snacks picked up Baba and drove to Smokey Lake to go visit her. It was really quite sad seeing Uncle Mike Sitting in the chair looking like he was lost. I knew how he felt. It was heart breaking watching Auntie Elsie’s grandchildren sit on the bed beside her. It was just one sad situation. When Auntie Elsie died, Baba would be very upset and Baba was much too old to get that upset. I was much younger than her and even I was having a hard time with depression.
We got home quite late and I was extremely tired. I didn’t have time to pick up supplies for the DNA strands we were making in Science the next day but that was ok. I’d just borrow from someone else. I yawned and crawled into bed.
The next day was a little rocky.
“Tatiana, everyone KNOWS. It’s all they are talking about.” Sydney came up to me staring wide eyed.
“Knows what Syd.” I asked panicking.
“There’s a huge rumor going around that Adam fingered you. Some even think you’re pregnant.” She whispered. I stared at her. Blinked once…twice.
“You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” I screamed.
“It’s ridiculous. I Know!” Sydney yelled.
“We need to find out who started this!” I said close to tears.
“Andri knows but he won’t tell me who!”
“We’ll make him talk” I growled. Sydney nodded.
We stormed the school yard at lunch confronting Andri and making people talk.
“I would tell you…but I don’t want HER to kill anyone.” Andri said pointing at me.
“I’m not gonna kill anyone.” I said smiling sweetly. “Except you if you don’t start TALKING” I hissed
“Woah.” He said.
“Let’s go Tati.” She said pulling me away. God, I hated people.
Saturday was David’s birthday party and he had pretty much invited the whole grade nine class. Of course, I couldn’t go. Later did I find out, I really hadn’t wanted to.
Brieanne wouldn’t tell me a damn thing that went on, but she did have a hangover which meant one thing, alcohol. Secrets don’t stay secrets for long in the teenage world so I eventually found out what went on.
Sitting on the bus Monday morning I could hear the voices of people sitting behind me over the drone of my ipod.
“Yeah and Adam had to make out with Dylan.” Paul said.
My whole body froze. I start to shake, Fatima moved over to the edge of the seat we were sharing. I cranked my ipod and stared out the window. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know.
Not only were people drunk out of their minds but my best friend had been kissing like a crazy and there were a thousand other stories. All anyone talked about were sex, parties and alcohol. My three absolute FAVORITE subjects. Yeah right…
“So Tatiana,” Paul turned to face me in math. Great, just great. “How does it feel to know Adam was kissing Dylan.” He snickered. Loser, I kept my eyes on my work. “And you got dumped for HENKE” He yelled in my face. Don’t cry you idiot. You will NOT cry. The bell rang and I ran. School was done for the day.
Everything was going to be ok I reminded myself. I was going to survive this. I battled with life day after day after day. Sometimes it was harder, sometimes it was easier. I had convinced everyone I was ok and handling this just fine. That was…until thanksgiving weekend. Oh joys.
Adam and I could not say a word without it being tense…and awkward…and just down right painful. Almost always it was an argument. We were arguing again over inbox on facebook. Finally I caved, I couldn’t lose him. This was just too much. I told him to stop being ridiculous. BOTH of us stop being ridiculous and finally he accepted my apology. I took little notice of how he didn’t offer me one.
Making it worse, my dad’s family was coming for thanksgiving because it was my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. Anyone who knew me knew I hated my dad’s family.
I woke up the day of the anniversary and groaned. This was gonna suck. I donned skirt and a nice sweater and belt and made myself look fairly decent. I stood dutifully in church and watched in amazement as my long forgotten cousins filed in, criminal records, pregnant girlfriend and all. I rolled my eyes, and to think they were actually related to us?
I helped this guy Henry and my dad’s cousin Ellen navigate their way through the church service. Grandpa received the Gold cross and well…nothing that exciting happened. I was bored and pretty much ticked off.
After church we headed over to the Chateau Louis for lunch. Baba was supposed to come and that gave me a little hope. I loved Baba. Unfortunately, Baba got lost. I ran all over the hotel and conference rooms looking for her. I finally did find her and I brought her back to the room we had rented. The food was pretty good but before we had even started Daddy and his sister were already fighting. My cousin’s Nicholas and Terry disappeared and at one point so did Kyle. When Auntie Val was making her speech, she turned to introduce her son’s but they were all gone.
Then, everyone had to file over to our house. Kyle Terry and Nicholas sat in the basement with me watching football .We talked sports and Terry found someway to tease me. I did NOT like being called little Missy.
Around ten thirty everyone finally left. As it turned out, my dad’s family wasn’t that bad, just his…immediate family. I fell asleep feeling finally relieved like there was hope.
Life was survivable. We had an amazing Science poster due soon and current events. I was getting good marks on all my tests and quizzes and projects when before I had been slumping. It felt good to go from an almost eighties to nineties. I had Sydney and Andre talk to each other and I even got the nerve to introduce him to Brieanne. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
“Have these sheets signed and returned by November 2nd” Ms. Anderson instructed us. She gave us a purple sheet with choices for how we wanted our farewell formatted. Dinner and Dance or refreshments after church. Eight months away and everyone was worrying about it. Too far into the future, it scared me. The future was the one of the most frightening concepts in my life. So unknown, constantly shifting. It was like a big weight suffocating me. I shoved my sheet into my bag with a groan.
“I don’t even want to go to the farewell!” I complained to Brie.
“You just need a date.” She said
I rolled my eyes “Yeah cause everyone here is just forming a line to go out with me.”
“Ask Andre,” she suggested
“Fat chance. I’m not asking him. He’s too far away.” I complained. I didn’t even want him to know about it.
“Fine. I’ll ask him for you.” And that was the end of that. I was screwed.
When I got home I did tell Andre about the farewell and he did agree to do his best to come. I was excited, and a bit afraid. I was ever so good at embarrassing myself in front of people. The farewell would be a disaster waiting to happen. I told me “good” news to Brieanne.
Well that’s great but I don’t want to talk to him anymore. If he comes I don’t even want to go.
I asked anxiously. Brieanne didn’t just stop talking to people.
That was a bunch of B.S but I couldn’t make her budge. I pestered her all day at school to no avail. So when I got home, I asked Andre.
She said I was hot and I called her pretty and I said a lot of things I shouldn’t of to people I don’t know and never met.
There was more but obviously I wasn’t going to get the whole entire story. No specifics. I was getting a vibe that I wasn’t allowed to know.
Yeah I’m really sorry.
Heartache, pain, betrayal, the all flooded through me. I was angry I was upset, I was hurt. Once again, my heart broke. It had been breaking steadily for a long time. Once more I felt the acid leak and burn the raw edges of my already open wound. It was like a scab I was constantly ripping off, painfully, ripping off. Then I came to my senses. He was going to pay.
He was going to feel what I felt.
And go ahead and say Andre you are an idiot and I hate you and I never want to talk to you again.
Yeah, Like I was gonna give him the satisfaction of hearing what he wanted.
Screw you. And you called Adam a jerk.
I’m so sorry Tati = [
Are you sorry enough to get your ass on a plane if I told you I was killing myself Friday?
I smirked. I knew him well enough to know just exactly what would get him going.
NO! Not SUICIDE
No! Tati No!
But that pain is just too much to bear. I want relief permanent relief. First Adam, now you. My heart can only break so many times before it can never be mended!
Tati No Please no! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry. Tell me it was a joke, tell me you were kidding.
He pleaded and begged and cried.
I ignored him for a bit, let the reality the fear sink in.
Ok, you’ve suffered enough. I was joking, I don’t have the nerve to kill myself and you aren’t that special anyways.
Omg! Thank god, you had me crying like a baby.
So am I forgiven?
What happens if I don’t entirely forgive you?
I go back to cutting myself and after a few months probably die.
Breathe came in panic gasps. I told myself to get a grip.
Ok, you’re forgiven.
I couldn’t help but smile.