Fatima Cousins Re:
1st of all u need to grow up u and didn’t say or do anything 4 u 2 treat me this way u of all people I am always sticking up 4 u and always there when no one else is I never ever called u out on all your lies or fairy tales that u always tell but u want to call me a bitch look in the mirror did u tell Tati how u couched Adam to break up with her no u didn’t did u of course not or did u tell Tati how u want to date Adam wow what a true friend u r enjoy your life.........
> From: email@example.com
> To: firstname.lastname@example.org
> Date: Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:54:03 -0600
> k, next time you want to be a bitch , at least explain yourself & not
> block me .
> First off, you totally ignore me this morning.
> Secondly, you were being really rude to me at lunch.
> Thirdly, you call me a bitch just because I ran my lap.
> Fourthly, you shove me on my -left- side (which I'm sure you should
> of remembered, I fell on.) and never even said sorry. Maybe you
> were playing around, but it still hurt.
> And you're always there for us?
> No you aren’t, we always have to beg you to practically listen.
> Whenever you have a problem, we all bow at your feet. Everyone has
> parental issues, and PMS moments. But seriously, you blow yours
> over proportion. Call me a bitch now, cause I know I'm being one,
> but I have to prove myself somehow.
> And fifthly, whenever someone bashes me, or says something, what do
> you do? Say nothing or agree just to fit in. I always stick up for
> Tatiana always sticks up for me, even if it's a boy.
> Now YOU think about what I just said.
> And if you're brave enough, answer.
Well…I lost my mind. Gritting my teeth together trying not to scream I sat reading the email over and over. Yup, I was definitely in the middle of this one.
“Tatiana, take the dog outside.” My mom yelled down the stairs, such a normal command, such an abnormal circumstance.
I took Scruffy outside and lost all sense of sanity. I kicked the shed down, whipping my foot at it again and again. I punched the air with everything I had. I held back screams and choked down my tears. I stood in my yard acting like a complete idiot. Kicking the soccer ball with all my strength, hurtling rocks and sticks across the yard, hysterics, that’s what it was called, hysterics.
“Tatiana calm down! What is going on?” My mom asked me harshly coming outside. She wrapped her arms around me to restrain me. I was probably gonna hurt something…or rather myself.
“I can’t take it!” I shrieked. “Not now! Why NOW? What is wrong with later? Or two weeks ago when I could DEAL with it? Why NOW?’
“What? What’s now?” My mom asked me with a harsh edge to her voice. I felt sick.
“Brieanne and Fatima are fighting and they dragged me into the middle.” I spluttered. I felt the hysteria wearing off, my heart rate slowing.
“Well maybe you should stop letting people walk all over you! You need to pull yourself together! Acting like this is unacceptable! Tatiana gets a grip.” She commanded me. Reason and sanity returned to me
“I’m sorry Mama, I’m really sorry it’s just…so HARD!” I flung myself into her arms.
“I know sweet heart. I know.” She said, a lot more sympathetically.
“I need some O.C” I said making reference to my favorite television show. I owned the complete first season.
I came back inside and didn’t go anywhere near the computer. I refused to add anymore drama to my already dramatized life. I crawled into bed downstairs and flicked on the television in the room. I stuck in my O.C disk and watched until my eyes would no longer stay open. I fell asleep with a dull ache in my chest.
Seeing as my sister was at camp, I was stuck waking up at early to deal with Scruffy. My mom came downstairs and got me.
We ran around outside for a bit and I was nauseous. More then I had ever been, I literally just wanted to sit by the toilet it was so bad. I carried Scruffy to the coach and then WHAM! I slammed my foot into the leg.
“Ahhhh!” I cried collapsing on the couch. It hurt, really bad. I was eighty percent sure it was broken.
“Are you ok?” My mom called from upstairs.
“Mama, I am not going to school today.” I said through gritted teeth.
“Ok, just don’t tell your father.” And she disappeared around the corner. I stuck Scruffy in his pen and found somewhere close by to sit down. Walking was not easy.
Everyone left for school, and I stayed home, watching the O.C drowning my sorrows in chicken noodle soup. I needed to hobble around a bit but it hurt so much, and my toe was so swollen.
“Mama? What can I do for my toe? It’s so hard to walk.” I said calling her at work. She told me to call the capital health nurse. I did, and she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. At around noon, my mom walked through the door.
“Let’s go.” She said looking through the railing.
“Where?” I asked her grabbing my stuff and shutting off my disk.
“Doctor’s. If you broke your foot higher up you might need a cast.” Great just great. Back to the north east medical center we go.
I waited patiently through my hours of torture only to find out the trip was totally unnecessary. It was only badly bruised and swollen. On the way home I complained silently about the fact I couldn’t have an Ice Capp. Sometimes…well so far most of the time…life was totally unfair.
The next morning, I stuck a smile on my face and attempted to look happy. It worked. I listened to uplifting songs on my ipod, and actually survived the day with minimal limping and just a dull heartache. Sure, when I actually had to look at Adam it was razor blades, but the rest of the time, it was bearable. There were quite a number of times I was restrained from punching certain whores in the face, but that was only to be expected. It was rather annoying Fatima avoided us. So I confronted her, I always was an in your face type person.
Friday came along. Concert Band students were posted outside the band room. I already knew I was on the list, but I looked anyways. Yup, definitely there. So was Jacob, which was good he asked to borrow my book to practice, and so was…Adam. Funny how just a few weeks ago I had been begging him to tryout, and succeed. Now I just wished he would disappear.
Block two we had an assembly. The usual, you are the leaders of the school, you need to behave. I sat beside Adam.
“Hey I didn’t know you made concert band! You should’ve told me!”
“Haha well I just found out to so…” he said.
“Cool, cool” I replied turning my attention back to the principal. I wasn’t really paying attention, with every second that past an increment of pain entered my heart. By the end of the assembly I was close to the tears.
“Do me a favor and just reject me to my face.” I hissed at him.
“I was going to! But you asked and I can’t lie to you…” He said. I shook my head and ran away. Sydney caught me trying to smile as we left the gym.
“Stop smiling Tati.” She said sympathetically. I had been doing so well!
We were also going to miss the last two blocks for the terry fox run. Sydney and I ran together. There were a couple times I did run off but it was to relieve stress, Syd didn’t mind.
The first time, it was Skyler’s fault.
“Hey Tatiana where’s Adam?” He asked me.
“I don’t know.” I said stiffly.
“Why don’t you care anymore?”
“No. He dumped me why should I?” and took off.
“Why is she so upset?” He asked Syd.
“Cause he only did it a week ago!” Sydney explained.
After quite a number of laps, I realized Adam was no where to be found. But I didn’t care…at least, that’s what I told myself.
Out of the eight laps I completed, five of them were speeded through. I couldn’t help myself. The burn in my chest as I lost oxygen, the ache in muscles as they were given to rest, the push I gave myself to keep going, it all kept my mind away from the one thin I was avoiding. Of course, things never go the way I wanted.
After the run, teachers were giving out giant freezes. I stood with Syd and we wandered around the field looking for people to talk to. Somehow, as we talked to Mancini, we managed to bring up Adam.
“I just don’t understand what happened.” I complained…again.
“To be honest, I think he stopped liking you in June, maybe July.” Mancini said. I froze. Breathe! I reminded myself, Breathe!
“Really, ya don’t say.” I choked out.
“And during the summer he said he broke up with you so Chris and his brother would stop making fun of him.” Tears sprang to my eyes…again.
“Syd…” I choked.
“C’mon Tati, let’s go.” I nodded and followed her mindlessly into the school.
When I got home, typically, no one was on msn, nobody to talk to. A few minutes and Mancini popped up on facebook commenting on my status
I’ve got something to say but I don’t think you want to hear it.
I sighed, he was my friend, but sometimes, he drove me absolutely nuts.
Just tell me. Spit it out.
So he sent me a message.
He’s at Cristina’s house. Right Now.
Yup, I definitely had not wanted to hear that. Stupid boyfriend stealing- well I’m sure you get the point. Last day of school, the plan was to punch her in the face, but that’s a totally different story.
I got angry at the crack forming in my heart. Ignore it, just ignore it. Who cares if he liked someone else, who cares if the person he lied was a slut. Who cares who cares who cares!!! Well, as it turned out, I cared. I cared a lot. I was doing to well to let everything fall now. Everyone thought I was ok. I wasn’t going to let it bring me down. So I smiled, and distracted myself with something else.
Towards the end of the night, I lost it. Acting completely out of impulse I grabbed the phone and dialed. What are you DOING? My head screamed at me. Reason and logic were telling me I was asking for trouble. I need to know! My heart cried. It ached so badly for an explanation. Any bleeding this time would be my fault.
“Adam please.” I said.
“One sec.” I could hear laughter in the background. Great, Chris…and…James were over.
“Hello?” He said.
“Explain! I don’t understand and that’s not fair! I’m sick of people walking all over me like I’m nothing. I’m sick of kissing people’s feet so they’re happy. It’s my turn!” My voice rose with every word I said. He wasn’t paying attention.
“Aha, Guys get off the phone” He laughed.
“Who is it?” I heard Daniel ask, Adam’s brother.
“Guess.” Adam said.
“Cristina?” Ouch, I turned my face like I had been slapped.
“No. hey guys quit it!” There was laughter in his voice.
“Tatiana?” He was completely ignoring me.
“Adam? Adam?” I called repeatedly into the phone. CLICK. Someone who had been listening in hung up.
“Wow I think she hung up on me.” He said
“No Adam I’m Right here I’m Right-” He hung up. “Here.” I said softly. I hung up the phone and threw it down in frustration.
“Uggh!” I yelled. Then I felt it, the tension in my arms. My finger twitched and my arms shook. My fists whipped out at the air. I struck the wall, over and over. My knuckles were scraped some starting to bleed, very sore but I kept punching. Tears ran down my face as I screamed in anger. Then the phone rang.
“What?” I said harshly into the phone.
“You hung up.” He said
“No! You hung up on ME.”
“No that’s not what happened.”
“Yeah it was, I heard you say ‘I think she hung up’ ” I argued back at Adam.
“Well what did you want.” He said
“An explanation! I deserve one! I’m sick of the rumors I’m hearing, I’m sick of not knowing. I deserve to know!” I yelled.
“Sean get the HELL off the phone!” he yelled “I just stop liking you. There, happy?”
“No, not really.” I countered.
“Look if there was anything I could do to make this better…I would.”
“Then it would be a lie.” I whispered hoarsely.
“Exactly. So is there anything?” He asked me.
“Adam we need to go!” Daniel called.
“Wait!” He said harshly again.
“Yeah, gun and some lead sounds good.” I said to him.
“Sure, if that’s what you want, then fine. Do you want to watch, should I just bring it to school? Put it to my head right in front of you?” he had misunderstood.
“No!” I cried. “No I meant me! ME!” He couldn’t die. I hated loving him, I hated it.
“I can’t kill you.” He said. “So is there anything else?” He asked.
“We need to go!” Daniel called.
“I think you need to go.” I said.
“Just to my friend’s house for a sleepover. It can wait.”
“I just…Let’s be friends ok? No more of this. I want to be friends” I pleaded.
“Sure, We’ll be friends.” He said. “Do you need anything else?”
“No, you can go, have fun.” I said trying to sound happy.
“Bye.” He said
“Goodbye.” I whispered and hung up. I stared at the phone feeling empty and alone. There was no hope, no chance, it was really over. My heart leaked acid once more, I could hear the cracks, I could feel it breaking apart once more.
“But I Love You.” I whispered. Then I flung myself onto the bed and cried.