I opened one eye and stared at the sun streaming through my blind. Great, Monday morning. I’d survive this. I had a hollow feeling in my stomach as I brushed my teeth and got dressed. I put all my supplies into my bag and took the dog out. I set my ipod on Believe by Cher to give me some strength to get through the day. It would be ok.
I boarded the transfer bus and took the empty seat instead of the one next Fatima. She didn’t even look at me. When Brieanne came on she went and sat with Fatima, so I sat staring out the window by myself
I walked to homeroom alone; I got my books from my locker alone. I got a few sympathetic glances from people, and then I found Syd.
“Have you seen Adam?” I hissed.
“No Actually I haven’t and I really needed to talk to him.” Sydney said. I felt my heart drop at the familiar feeling of disappointment when he wasn’t at school and relief because that meant no pain today.
“Kay thanks.” I said and went back to my solitary feeling like a heavy burden had been cast aside, for the time being.
I got through school, but little did I know a new problem was in the making. Brieanne stood dutifully by my side while Fatima was off avoiding me. She claimed she had been angry at that moment and felt awful for abandoning me. She also complained about how Fatima was acting poorly.
“Just let it go.” I said. “I mean, I’m really upset with her for ditching me, but if I had a huge problem with it I’d talk to her, and I just wasn’t up to dealing with that right now.
“It was awful what she said to you though, and when she was at my house she kept hitting me and like it really hurt!” Brieanne droned on and on I just tuned her out. One thing at a time.
At lunch, I sat quietly in my seat. There was this empty aching hole in my heart. Sofiya walked past me and threw me a concerned look.
“Everything ok Tati?” she asked me.
“Adam broke up with me.” I said flatly.
“Oh Tati, What a jerk!” She cried flinging her small arms around me. I rested my head against her shoulder and closed my eyes. For one short moment all the pain and fighting fled away, and then it came back.
“How was your day?” My mom asked me as I got in the car.
“Bearable, Adam wasn’t there”
“Oh that’s too bad.” My mom said.
“What do you mean? It’s great. I actually didn’t feel too lousy; I think I can handle this.” I said.
“Well that just means you have to deal with it when he comes back and it was ok because he wasn’t there. It will be different when he is.”
“Thanks Mama.” I said sarcastically.
The day dragged on with the usual. Talk on the computer, choke down supper, play with the dog, fight with my sister, play with the dog, do my chores. It all came to an end at 10 o’clock when I had to go to bed. Of course, that was its own battle.
I thought I was handling this pretty well. I mean sure I was upset, but I wasn’t having hysterics or seeing things or screaming at night. So tonight I thought I’d start reading and listening to my ipod. I plugged in my headphones and picked up Eclipse the third book in the twilight series. I hadn’t read them in quite a while.
Once I was sure my eyes couldn’t stay open a second longer I put the book down and fell asleep.
“Andre! You’re here” I cried enthusiastically flinging myself into his arms
“I said I would be didn’t I?” He smiled at me. I didn’t care, I was just so happy he was here.
“Come on inside.” I said pulling him to my house.
“…and you sleep here.” I said, showing him the guest bedroom downstairs.
“This is great Tati, thanks.” He said pulling me close.
“I’m just so happy you’re here.” I said quietly.
“You know I’ve had to wait a really long time for this.” And finally, finally, Andre kissed me.
“Andre?” I sat up sharply in bed my heart frantically pounding. I looked around my dark room. “Just a dream” I breathed. “Just a dream.” And fell back asleep.
“Tatiana wake up.” My dad said roughly. I was awake staring at the ceiling. Today was going to be hard. Part of me wished I could fall back asleep and avoid it all, and another part of me was anxious and excited. I must crazy. I dragged my sorry self out of bed and set to work disguising my usual morning appearance.
I stood at the bus stop grateful for such a warm morning. I had lost my jacket…once again.
Brieanne sat with me on the bus, leaving Fatima to her obvious disdain for the both of us at the moment. I was really scared and felt my stomach clench as we rounded the corner to school.
I walked through the school doors, my eyes drifting over all the face. He wasn’t there. I let out a sigh of relief. I turned the corner to my locker and stopped dead. Keep moving! I told myself. Don’t let him see. I walked swiftly past him to my locker. And so it began.
It was a lot easier then I expected, seeing him. I mean sure it felt like a jagged knife had cut through my heart, but I could contain it.
Somehow, between my locker and walking to Band Class, I lost my nerve. I was talking to Steph and she told me Adam had lied. Lying, the one thing I cannot handle. I lost it. I sat in band class chewing on my lip unsuccessfully trying not to cry. Sydney, from across the room saw the tears fall down my face, Ms. Anderson at her director’s post at the front of the class looked at me with concerned eyes as I ducked my head to hide my personal waterfall.
Sure, I wanted to fight it. Sure, I didn’t want to mope around, but fighting was hard. Giving into the blackness and depression in my mind, that was easy. I sat in band class struggling with my will to smile but my weakness to do it. During a class practice break Ms. Anderson came and sat beside me.
“Tatiana, is everything ok?”
I wiped the tears off my face and smiled through the pain nodding, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
She threw me a skeptical glance and then turned her attention to the class.
The rest of my morning I suffered silently. I hung my head refusing to look at anyone. I made a curtain of hair to hide my face. I didn’t speak a word to a soul. In the hall ways I cast fleeting looks for my ended past and lost future. When I saw him, I stood staring at him with a longing gaze. Memories flooded past me threatening to pull me under. Feelings overwhelmed me. I stared at him, feeling my ragged heart reach for him with all the pieces left. Then I tore my gaze away and returned to my misery. As much as I hated the pain, it was almost like I wanted it. It made sense to have it, why should I be happy?
At lunch, I sat at my usual spot, alone in solitude. I stared at my lunch, as if by concentrating hard enough I could somehow digest it without physically moving. Really, I was just trying my best not to look at him.
I did glance up at the wrong moment. My eyes locked on him, it was like some hyper awareness, and I didn’t have to look long before I saw him. My lips parted ever so slightly.
“I love you” I whispered. Heat flashed across my chest. I turned my face as if I had been smacked. I clenched my eyes shut I fought off the desire to breakdown.
“Okay you guys can go.” The teacher instructed us, and I took off, trying to flee my personal hell. Unfortunately, it lay in my heart, something I could never run from.
Outside I curled myself to the fence staring blankly at nothing.
“C’mon Tatiana.” Brieanne said sitting down next to me.
“I feel so alone.” I moaned.
“I know. I’m sorry I did leave you. I was just so angry at that one moment.” She apologized once more.
“Fatima is being really nasty though, it’s not just us. I’ve asked around.” She lowered her voice. “Speak of the devil.” She murmured. Fatima and Sydney were walking towards us. “Let’s walk.”
As much as I longed to be with Sydney, my instinct to run overtook me. I got up and walked. We walked away and away. Then my hyper awareness attacked me and I saw him, on the court. I sprinted back to my fence.
“I can’t do this!” I cried my face buried in my hands.
“Shh Honey Shh, it’s ok.” Brieanne said trying to calm me down.
“I want Dica.” I said. “Go get Dica.”
“Sydney, can you grab Dica?” Brieanne called back behind her.
“Ugh I’m so not coming.” Fatima rolled her eyes.
“Uh, yeah you are. You are her friend to.” Sydney said grabbing her arm.
God knows why I wanted Dica. She had this happy-go-lucky personality that just rubbed off on people.
Dica sat beside me and cheered me up quite a bit. So did Sydney and Brieanne. Fatima went off with someone showing obvious attempts to avoid me. Fine, I understood, I probably wasn’t anyone’s favorite person to be around right now.
The bell rang to go inside. Brie walked dutifully by my side as we headed towards the door.
“Fatima is really pissing me off!” She said.
“Well then talk to her.” I replied.
“Oh I will.” And that was the end of that.
I suffered trough the rest of school but I didn’t get home until eight that night, errands and errands. Relieved to finally be home, I went to the computer. There was one new email in my inbox from Fatima.