I could feel my heart cracking as I read the words. Between the cracks acid leaked out, burning away at the raw edges of my heart. I could feel myself giving away, my strength fading. The phone rang and I checked the called ID. Great, exactly who I wanted to talk to, Adam. I sucked in a deep breath, plastered a smile to my face and answered.
“Hello!” I said cheerily
“Hi.” He said solemnly. “Look, I’m really sorry.”
“It’s no big deal.” I lied. “I mean I totally understand.
“So you’re ok?” he asked me
“Yeah I’m great I mean it’s not the end of the world right?” I could hear my voice breaking but I kept up my façade.
“Do you want to call Brieanne or Fatima?” He asked me.
“Umm…actually...yes there is a call I need to make.” I said
“Ok, talk to you later.” I hung up and speedily dialed Sydney’s number.
“Hi, can I speak to Sydney?” I asked keeping my voice steady and composed.
“This is Sydney.”
And then I lost it. “Sydney, Adam broke up with me.” I just cried.
“Oh Tati…oh Tati…” she said. “I didn’t see this coming, I actually didn’t. Oh Tati, you cry just cry.”
I sat with Sydney for twenty minutes and just cried out everything I had been fighting.
“Is there anyone else you want to talk to?” She asked me gently.
“No there…” And I stopped. “Yes actually hang on.”
I scrambled through my phone book and found the number I was looking for. “Don’t hang up Syd.” And I dialed.
I got the answering machine. “Andre, if you get this, I really need to talk to you, it’s extremely important. If there is any time I ever needed you it’s right now. Please get a hold of me.” My voice cracking and breaking as I tried to hold in the fresh tears burning to escape.
“Sydney I need to go.” I said quietly.
“Are you gonna be ok?” she asked
“No promises.” And I hung up.
I sat at the computer, willing Andre to come on line. I stared and stared. Finally the alert sounded and his name showed up. I pounced.
Hey! I’m here.
Andre, have you check your cell? Do it now.
I waited patiently for his reaction
Tati! What’s wrong?!
I took a deep breath
Adam broke up with me.
Oh no Tati!
Can I call you?
Sure go ahead
Actually I don’t think I should…I don’t sound too great right now.
Whatever you prefer
We talked a bit more about this and that. Finally I cracked and called him. Hell, I’d wanted him all day; I needed him, even if it was just his voice.
“Oh Tati I’m really sorry” He said to me.
“Andre it’s fine, there is something I need to do, will you help me?”
“In whatever way I can.’ He promised.
“Just don’t hang up.” With my heart in my stomach I dialed Adam’s number.
“Hey Bud!” I said my voice overly happy.
“Hey.” He replied.
“Say Hi to Andre to!” I told him
“But he’s not on…”
“Um…yeah he is” I argued.
“No he’s not.” Adam said, obviously confused
“Andre, say Hi.”
“Oh. Hey.” Adam replied.
I let out a sigh of relief and let them talk.
“Oh guys my mom is home. I got to go. Bye. I’ll message you later okay Andre?”
“Bye.” Adam said. And I hung up. I didn’t know why I did it. All I knew was I had to.
“Tatiana, were you on the phone after I said no more?”
“Duuuuuh, course not Mama.” I lied
“No more phone!” she ordered. I nodded and held back the tears. Mama was angry at my sisters, and of course, her upset teenaged daughter wasn’t helping.
“Thought you had your meeting” I said
My mom shook her head. “I gave the key to Leona and told her my house was in an uproar, my husband was coming home late and my daughter had her finger and heart broken in one day” I threw myself at my mom and cried once more. Love Bites.
“What are we going to do for supper?” my mom asked me.
“Just order pizza” I grumbled. Not like I was going to eat it anyways.
As it turned out my mom ordered pizza with jalapenos and chicken on it, all the more reason not to eat it. I was on the phone with both Brieanne and Fatima when the door bell rang.
“Damn guys! The pizza guy is HAWT” I whispered into the phone. Suddenly a wave of self consciousness hit me. My hair was a mess, my eyes were red and probably swollen and my nose was all snotty. I probably would’ve looked better if I had been hit by a train. At least I would’ve been dead.
“Got to go you guys, the pizza I’m not eating is here.” I went downstairs and flipped mindlessly through the television. After completing three rounds, I head back to the computer.
My mom came downstairs after awhile and told me to go and get shortbread cookies from upstairs. I had spent all night going through absurd mood swings. I was fighting the depression that was plaguing me to give in, I was angry at Adam for liking some other girl, for ending my happiness and then I would be fine and happy thinking everything was ok. I was probably giving my mom, and my sisters for that matter, emotional whiplash.
I galloped up the stairs and found the cookies. Downstairs my mom was setting up the episodes of little mosque on the prairie. I decided to make a side trip to the basement. I stopped at the cold room and stuffed my pockets full of chocolate bars. Then I stopped at the freezer and grabbed a buster bar.
I came upstairs with my loot and sat on the coach watching the comedy and eating ice cream. It was pretty funny, but I didn’t really want to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. Right after taking a mouthful of ice cream, I started to giggle. Between the laughing and trying not to, I snorted ice cream up my nose.
“Argh!” I yelled as it burned. I couldn’t help but laughing at that, a multitude of things had come up and out of my nose.
I inhaled the cookies chocolate and ice cream and admitted I did feel better. Unfortunately, every day must come to an end and with every end, sleep. I crawled reluctantly in my bed, emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted but I was afraid of sleep.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. My eyes got heavy so I closed them. Immediately pain ripped through my chest almost causing me to cry out. My eyes flew open and I gasped for air. All I could see was him, an overwhelming image of Adam.
“Breathe” I reminded myself and closed my eyes again. Once more I was filled with pictures of Adam, holding me kissing me loving me. I fought it and kept my eyes closed. I clenched my jaw, I wrapped my arms around my self, I squeezed my eyes shut harder to block out the image but it was too powerful. I was never going to get to sleep.
I sat with my knees pulled to my chest on my bed, lamp on, staring at nothing when I heard the door open. It was all dark in the house and my mom had gone to bed quite a while ago. I heard footsteps travel through the kitchen and up the stairs into my parent’s bedroom. After a few unintelligible murmurs I heard the footsteps come down the stairs, and one more flight, then stop in front of my room with a soft knock. My door squeaked as it was opened
“Tatiana?” My dad said as he peeked inside.
“Mhm.” I said not trusting my own, weak voice.
“Tatiana, I’m really sorry but you shouldn’t be crying like this. How many tears do you think he wasted on you tonight? Do you think he is losing sleep over you?” of course he wasn’t. I felt the tears start to run down my face again. My dad wrapped me in an awkward hug. “I’d tell you everything would be ok but that would be a lie.” I just nodded.
“Get some sleep.” He said and he quietly shut the door behind him. I shut off my light and closed my eyes once again. Too tired to fight the images, I let them drown me and fall asleep. Even in unconsciousness I could still feel the ache from my battered bleeding heart.
I awoke in the morning and headed upstairs to find my mom on the couch. All I wanted was a hug. She wrapped me in her arms tightly and gave me what I wanted.
“And how’s today going to be?” She asked me. I thought for a moment.
“I’m going to smile like nothings wrong act like everything is perfect and pretend it’s not hurting me.” I said with a deep breath.
“Go wash up” my mom said. “You’re a mess.” I stopped and looked in the mirror. My hair was sticking up weird, my eyes were swollen and puffy and there were blotches all over my face. I looked awful and felt even worse. Still, I trudged downstairs and set a cold wash cloth over my eyes hoping to reduce the swelling. I spent over an hour and a half trying to make myself look decent. Eventually I emerged looking much better then I felt, and definitely improved from when I woke up. I headed back to the computer and saw Adam was on. That was when I made my first mistake
Hey, you feeling ok? I’m really sorry.
And it carried on until he brought up Cristina and Jessica. My jealousy overwhelmed me and I lost it. I knew I was better then a couple of sluts but I was acting quite ridiculously. I saw him slipping away, just like Artem had, and I panicked. I picked up the phone and frantically dialed his number.
“Oh Adam I’m so sorry! Nothing is worth losing you. Whatever you want whatever you say let’s just stop this!” I burst into tears. “I’m so sorry.” And everything eventually was fine.
“So let me ask you this, do you still like me?”
“Sure I do.” He said. “I just need to focus on school.” A hysterical giggle burst through my lips. He still wanted me! I was still wanted!
“’Kay but I think I need to go. Talk to you soon.” And I practically ran from my room. “He still likes me!” I cried. “He still likes me!” But like all my euphoria, it had to wear off eventually. Especially when every time he talked to me, it was centered on people, girls, who weren’t me, who I didn’t like at all.
Sunday morning we went to church at my Baba’s senior center. We had a church service there every third Sunday of every month.
I went up to my baba’s room and knocked on the door. “Are you coming Baba?” I called in.
The door opened and she wrapped me in a hug. “Donya, why do you look so sad?” I felt a little better hearing her call me daughter in Ukrainian, someone still wanted me.
“Baba, my boyfriend broke up with me.” I said trying not to cry, I didn’t want to upset her.
“Oh sweetie, you are too good for him anyways and he’s pretty stupid if he dumped you!” Baba knew how to make everything right.
“Let’s go downstairs.” I said, and she held me in her arms all the way down.
The day wasn’t too exciting, just panicking about how I was supposed to survive tomorrow.
I sat as usual on the computer when Fatima signed on.
Yeah so Adam still likes me!
I said enthusiastically, she needed an update anyways.
Ok look, I really don’t want to hear another word about you and Adam. I’m sorry but I just don’t want to be involved in all this drama.
Well she could’ve just smacked me in the face. First Brieanne was being all nasty and mean and yeah-whatever-my-life-sucks-so-much-more, now her! I mean, I knew I talked about Adam a lot, and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t perfect. She talked about stupid things to. Now, I really needed the both of them and they were too caught up in their own world. Thanks guys thanks a lot.
I wrote and then signed off. My heart broke again.