what am i really thinking?

people always ask an endless list of questions like 'what's wrong?' 'what's on your mind?' 'what're you thinking about?' 'are you emo?' 'are you gay?' 'how are your marks?' 'what's wrong with you?' 'are you okay?' 'what did you do last night?' 'what the hell happened to you?'
well, I'm going to answer, for once, in full.

right now i'm sitting on my bed texting my girlfriend-yes, girlfriend. Feel the shock, deal with it, move on. I'm happy, she's happy, and i don't really give a damn what anybody else thinks about it (and by the way she's the only person on earth who can make me forget about a steaming cup of lady grey tea) . This morning i went to an acting class at a local theater and i did a scene where there was a patient in a doctors office for mental reasons, I was playing the doctor and the whole time i felt so sick about it because we were told to play up all these  stigmas that i face every day and the patient kept being called 'the crazy person' by everybody else in the room. After that i almost cried from just the wrongness of what i was being made to do and then i had to go back up on stage and play a character with 'anxiety issues' and was told what a person with anxiety issues is like and trust me, i HAVE anxiety issues, and that is NOT what it's like. It was like that class used every single stigma about mental health and tried to inject it into those two one minute scenes. Last night I couldn't sleep because i had a fever and kept waking up at odd intervals either shivering or feeling as if it were July. Every time I woke up i started to have an anxiety attack because i had this feeling that something bad had happened to my girlfriend and when it was finally morning i still had this feeling that something had happened her. The worst part of the night was one episode where i thought she was dead and when i was still anxious about it when i woke up in the morning, in fact the episode probably lasted until 2 hours after i got up, it only ended because she texted. I think I've finally lost it completely. I've spent all day thinking of how to cut myself which is nothing new since i've been addicted to it since the thursday of march break of this year. I think that the longest i ever went without doing it was 13 days at which point i cut my wrist, which was the third time I'd done it. I'm planning on on cutting my wrist again but i don't think it's advisable over the weekend because it's not as easy to hide when i'm not in uniform and not home (most nights the earliest i get home is 5:45). I'm trying not to though because I'm supposed to see my girlfriend on tuesday night and i don't want her to have to see it and also because my friend liz would kick my but because she's trying to make me stop doing this to myself not having realized that taking away pins, plastic knives, pencil sharpeners, and the occasional razor blade (those are hard for her to get from me)  doesn't help. Ella helps because she doesn't get angry and just saying that she loves me is enough to make my day a million times better. She gives me a reason to try to stop hurting myself. It used to be that liz could make things better but now it feels like she's just angry with me even though she says she isn't.  She's gone from being part of the solution to part of the problem because i'm just so scared of making her angry and loosing the one person in my entire gawd damned school who i actually can trust. i'll never tell her that though because i'm scared of what will happen if i do, not that she would hurt me or anything just i can't face her anger. At least i have my dearest ella, without her i would be dead by now, she gives me a reason to live each day. She's the reason that I haven't tried to kill myself a third time, the last being at camp on a thursday, again with the thursdays. I used to have this weird notion that something bad was going to happen on a thursday and it used to scare me a lot, particularly on the bus to school (this was back in grade seven and eight) where our driver went crazy fast on this hill that was had this weird turn in it. Every thursday I'd curl my knees up to my chin and wrap my arms around them and close my eyes as we went down it, praying that this wouldn't be the day for it. Silly, yes, but in the eyes of the most 11 to 13 year olds, when you can't figure out why you have this intense feeling that something bad will happen to you on a thursday and there's a part of your bus route that terrifies you (and about half the bus) you get...well... a little freaked out. I guess art of that anxiety came true in a way though because later that year a girl brought a knife to school to kill me on a thursday. I also started cutting on a thursday, tried to kill myself (2 or three times) on a thursday, and i believe that it was on a thursday that my very best friend tried to kill herself. I must remind myself to not ever do anything particularly risky on this day. I know i sound weird when i say this thing about knowing things before they happen but it's been weirder. I have this thing where I know when my girlfriend is upset on uncomfortable or in trouble. I'm not kidding, there have been times when she's been really upset and I've had a feeling that something was wrong and we've talked and realized that it was at the same time. There was one night where i had a dream that she was hurt and she's been hurt and it was exact. It works for physical pain too.  The one thing I haven't told her was that she was that a little while ago when she had an accident just after I'd spoken to her and the right after i'd said goodnight i had this feeling that something was really wrong and that i needed to talk to her again. I feel so insanely guilty about it because i feel like i could have maybe prevented it from happening if i had just said hello again, but i didn't and she had an accident and even though she's ok now, it happened.  I'm really worried about her right now (if it hasn't become apparent already) and i just wish that i could make it ok again for her, i just wish for her to be alright. 

The End

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