I never got art. I guess you could say I’m just not the artsy type. Sure I appreciate good video game graphics as much as the next guy, but I don’t care to sit and ponder over Picasso and Van Gogh.
That’s why going to a stupid museum for a field trip really didn’t appeal to me, but it was either that or stay at school like a loser doing busy-work under the “careful eye” of a dozing sub.
You can guess which one I preferred.
Anyways, we get to this museum right, and it’s nothing special; just a big building. But it has these fountains and nothing is catching the water. Basically it’s just a bunch of hoses squirting out of the ground.
So we’re standing around outside waiting to go in, and a couple of guys get the bright idea to drink out of the things, saying “It’s only tap water,” whenever somebody shot them a funny look. Finally the teacher saw them and told them to knock it off ‘cuz it was time to go in.
Inside it was your typical museum; hardwood floors and a bunch of “guards” staring at everyone like they’re potential criminals.
So we get to looking around, right, and right in front they got all the abstract crap. Big squares of canvas covered in patterns that are better off as designs on folders and notebooks than actual pieces of art. There was even this big shiny wall made out of like, tin foil squares or something that took up half the room. Right then I’m thinking, “What in the world are people thinking? How is this art? I could do that.”
Finally we make it out of that weird stuff and end up in the modern art. Some of it is actually pretty cool.
There’s this one that’s like pieces of paper on the floor, but it wasn’t actually paper, it was like sculptures of pieces of paper that were actually on the floor. I didn’t really get the point, but I guess it was alright.
And there was this one thing where it was like a bunch of spools of thread made to look like an upside down Mona Lisa, and when you looked through this glass ball thing it turned right side up. That was crazy. The thing about that one was, when you got really close to it, it just looked like a bunch of spools of thread, but from a distance it looked really cool. I guess you gotta look farther away sometimes to get the “Big Picture,” like in those games where they zoom in real close on stuff and you gotta guess what it is.
After we got through there we ended up in the European art. Really it was just a lot of pictures of people lying around half naked making the same face. Seriously, either all of them were related or some guy really liked painting that one expression.
Some of them were different though.
There was this one painting, I think it was called Portrait of a Man in Armor, it was like this ginger knight all decked out in armor, holding a helmet with a huge white feather and there was fancy cloth with words on it draped all over him. But the real thing that stuck out to me was the eyes.
This guy looked ticked.
He was looking off to the side and I swear the expression on his face screamed “I wish this punk would hurry up and finish, I’ve got dragons to slay.”
And there was this one painting with John the Baptist, and he was pointing to this sheep right. So he’s pointing to this sheep and I turn to my buddy and say, “’Ay if this was on Facebook it’d be captioned, ‘Hey it’s that dude Jesus!’” Of course since it was hilarious all of us started howlin’. We got some dirty looks from the teach so we chilled it down to a snicker.
While we’re walking I see more paintings that looked like they belonged on Facebook.
Like this one with these two really ugly guys, seriously these dudes were nasty, and they were sitting at this table laughing and drinking. Well I’m standing there thinking, “I see this all the time!”
Then I see this one with this other ugly guy in bad lighting, holding a wine glass and pointing to it with a goofy grin on his face.
One painting after another looked like Facebook photo after Facebook photo. Girls making provocative faces and gestures – showing much more cleavage of course – and guys trying to look tough. Whether it was a portrait of a king, duke, duchess, lady or peasant, they were all so…human.
I realized they’re just like us, the paintings or people back then. They like to take pictures of themselves too, holding alcohol proudly or trying to look “seductive.” It’s all the same; just where they post them has changed. Instead of pictures on Facebook they’re paintings in a museum, their most wild and crazy moments on display where the whole world can see.