"I think we should break up" Ryan suggested.
I think I just froze. My fingers were numb, holding the phone next to my ear. I couldn't think of anything else other than those words of his. The words I spoke first. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I think I was still for centuries, sitting on that hardwood floor, breathing in and out carefully until I couldn't hear myself breathe anymore. I was staring at the white walls in front of me so hard, I think it would melt. I think I died for a minute there. When he finally spoke again was when I realized I was still alive, somehow.
I can't do it. What was I thinking when I asked him if we should breakup? People can make these things work, so why can't we? Our Spark isn't gone. it's just buried beneath all of this ignorance. Somehow I know we can find it again. I find my voice as I state my mind out to him.
"Ry, is..is that what you want? because that's not what I want,"
I was biting my lip at this point, and I bit it too hard that it bled. I await anxiously for his response.
"What do you really want, Nel? I don't understand do you want to break up or not?"
He sounds angry.
"I..I'm sorry. It took me up to this point to realize everything. I want those days back. I want you saying those good nights back. I want your I love yous back. I want you back, Ryan. Because it seemed that we broke up even if we didn't notice it. And I feel like I believed it before I even found out. All I want is you back. All I want is us back,"
And that's it. I poured out my heart to him. I took my risk tonight and there's no turning back.