Waking up rantMature

I'm just so sleepy all of the time

Fuck I hate waking up…

My body literally just wants to sleep; that feeling when you can hit the snooze button and heavy lids readily take you back into perfect rest-instantaneously; you don’t even remember falling back asleep

 It’s literally agonizing to drag my ass out of bed some days

To face the reality of the monotonous day to day put upon us by society’s well defined box is almost a form of terrorism and the terrorists are the puppets who faithfully remind everyone of the parameters of which we need to stay within the lines

The face in the mirror stares back at me; empty eyes  that long ago lost their childhood spark of life, love and passion; well defined dreams forgotten-no… not forgotten, just reality sets in that the you can “do whatever you set your mind to” speech is really bullshit

I used to think I could do anything- even still, some days I do the “one day” speech and then remember I’m 31… If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t likely to

You hear these stories of people becoming YouTube sensations and other online claims-to-fame seemingly overnight--not that there isn’t a worth or value in that

I guess I’m jealous—jealous of how those particular people had the fortunate synchronicity to have the exact person required to help them achieve their goals meet up with them at that exact time….

Or maybe I just suck

I don’t want to be famous, just heard

Acknowledged

Perhaps change someone: their thoughts, feelings, actions one brush stroke, ringing string and/or key note at a time

My worth is not “defined by what people think of me, but by what God and myself think of me”--yet what do I think of myself when I’m not doing what I’m passionate about-- if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs to a room full of empty faces with deaf ears…

sometimes I just feel like pretty wall paper

I can admit that long ago I allowed discouragement to easily change the course of my path, but I’ve since learned to swallow the anger, bitterness and pain and keep moving forward---sounds like it right?!

I’ve really tried to turn over a new leaf this year –to try and fit into societies box rather than try to break it: I’ve put myself out there in blogging, youtube, facebook, coffee shops, swallowing every last morsel

…and I’m still waiting

 And now… protagonize hoping to meet some like minded people who “get it”

Working harder than I ever have; determined not to let every window and door that slams in my face or refuses to open drag me down into the depths of discouragement and the “I told you so” mentality

Still waiting… I guess it takes longer than I thought

So… SLEEP where I can imagine things differently as they should be in my mind; things can be perfect

I love my kids and family, and would say they are the single driving force of my determination; to at the very least shape them for the betterment of society—to change the way they think, feel and act

As a human I’m fallible and often I end up thinking it’s another day that I’ve not yet completed this task—or that I’m failing them. I tell my kids the “you can be anything you set your mind to” inspiring speech through clenched teeth…. Because it’s the right thing to do… isn’t it? Can they smell the lie in my perspiration?  I’m sure they are thinking: Mommy why do you write beautiful music only to be played in our living room, or make beautiful art work only to sit against our walls—why don’t you perform and sell them… if only they knew-I’m sure trying

Sure there is joy in:  family, friends, pets, and exciting events

But I’d much rather meet those people and places in my dreams where the sky is the limit and if one is lucid enough the power to control is actual

I see lost friends in my dreams

My lost father

I don’t have to be awake and remember he’s not actually here

Or listen to people tell me what to do and how to do it

I could sleep all day and ignore the glares of hatred that I’m a despicable member of society wasting away.

Man… fuck boxes!  I’m going back to sleep.

The End

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