I opened my eyes, the dream wasn't new, I had been having the same dream for a while, whenever I managed to get sleep, it felt like my life was a dream, my phone was blinking, it was the unanswered text from Mia, but I knew that I would not perform my dream, I felt like a machine now, but I knew that there was still something inside of me that prevented me form suicide.
Food was shoved on my lap "Eat, then get dressed, it's been snowing and the lake has frozen over, you once said that you loved to skate but kept falling over, well I've decided to teach you how to do it properly!" Tilly was bustling around my bedroom, throwing clothes onto my bed. I just sat there "for goodness sake, am I going to have to shove the food down your throat, can you even tell me the last time you ate something?" I looked at her, she sighed, sat down and threw water into my face.
I was shocked, it jolted me a little, I hadn't been shocked for a while, my senses awoke, I looked into my best friends stubborn little face, sighed and ate. The food was gone within the second, "we don't have enough time to deal with your beehive I'm afraid so you shall just have to use a hat, Mia and Lilly are meeting us in about a half hour!"
I don't know what it was, but I felt Tilly's plea, I felt it, and I felt selfish, so selfish. I had been moping over my ex when Tilly was spending the cold on her own, I had abandoned my family and stuck to my room, while Tilly had needed a friend, I moved, my bones felt weird, but I didn't care.
Feelings, I felt them now, I got dressed and hurried with Tilly down to the lake, Mia and Lilly were already there. They smiled at us as we came and were shocked to receive an honest smile from me. They both beamed at Tilly, I once again felt guilty, my friends had clearly been very worried about me and I had abandoned them.
We set off, I could not skate to save my life, but I loved it, I loved to slip and slide along the ice, I loved it when I crashed into Mia and we both had a sliding race to the bank.
I was not quite who I should be, but I was not who I had been.
Laughter filled the air as, for the tenth time, I tripped Mia up, but just before I fell an arm flew out and caught me.
I knew without looking who that arms was, I knew without hearing who the voice that spoke was, but I fought the emptiness that I felt, I was not going to lose my friends, I would make sure of that, I would prove to my friends that I would handle this, I would not worry them.
"If you fall one more time you will freeze your ass!" All of his mates were laughing, not that I cared, I knew them all, I had been a clown to them, they were all nice to me, they all looked at me, almost with concern, the last time I had seen them was without Jake, I hadn't seen Jake for a while. I looked at him now, he was also looking at me in concern.
"Has anyone ever told you that it is rude to stare?" I asked, trying to be playful, ignoring the pains. "Yes, you have, several time in fact!" he said with a smile. I looked around, she wasn't there "where has your lady-friend gone?" I asked, but before he could answer, his twin suddenly passed us and said in surprise "lady-friend? You don't mean Jenni do you? You surely know that she is our cousin, Jake I thought you said that you had told her"
Life, air, feelings, anger. They were all around me. "Cousin?" I said through gritted teeth. He looked uncomfortable, we went to the bank "yea, cousin, what of it?" he said, I looked, I could finally see my book again, yes, there it was, the uncomfortable feeling.
"Why didn't you tell me she was your cousin?" I asked, still through gritted teeth, I could feel my temper rising again, he had often been the one to stop me from getting too angry, I knew, just as well as he did, that he wouldn't be able to do that this time. "You never asked did you!" He said.
Silence, then, slap! "I never asked! You asshole, of course I not going to say, hey Jake, is that bitch your cousin? You knew bloody well what you were doing to me. Is that how you get your kicks? I'm probably your most successful one yet, I bet no other girl was affected this badly, I'm so happy that I could be of so much use to you, you piece of shit!"
I lunged for him again, pining him to the icy floor, it was hard for him to try and get up without badly hurting me, I didn't care about anything else, the one thing that I had always been sure of is that he would never lie to me, I just couldn't stand it, lies hurt people. I hit him, again and again.
They all rushed over, trying to get me off him, I lashed out, white hot rage consumed me, never had I been so furious. I thought over all of the pain and the suffering that he had caused me. I wanted him to feel that, I wanted him to understand.
They pulled me off of him, I just kept yelling at him, and I finally realised what it was that had kept me so closed off. I had been angry, I had been furious with myself for letting him go, I had been furious with myself for believing that I didn't need him. I knew that this whole thing was my fault, I was so angry, and I knew that this anger, was directed at me. I stopped, I was still. They all backed away, there was a lot of them, they had all surrounded me, I could only vaguely see him, the inevitable happened, I had put too much pressure on him, there was a cracking sound, and he vanished.