Hilarity In The HospitalMature

Chapter 2

Hilarity in the hospital.

A while after the celebrations, Dick went to see Muttley with Rachel.

He got in his car, trying to hold back his tears.

Tears of joy and also tears of worry for Muttley.

He then snapped out of his trance and looked up at Rachel who was walking towards her car.

"….Want a lift?"

Rachel, surprised by the offer, swivelled round.


She clambered in and examined her surroundings.

"This is… such a beautiful car…"

Dick, who was busy starting it up, smiled and turned his head to face her slightly.

There was a silence, which was followed by the monstrous roar of the engine.

It was a cold night, very icy. When people spoke their breath could be seen clearly.

Dick waited a bit, then, turning round a bit more he smiled ever so slightly.

"…Buckle up…", he muttered softly.

It was very dark. The night had an eerie feel to it.

Switching the headlights on, Dick turned his head back round to face the road.

Rachel smiled inwardly and buckled up as asked.

He took off the handbrake and roared off into the night.

"WOW!", exclaimed Rachel, "It's so fast! You don't really notice when your racing against it!"

Dick said nothing, but took it as a complement and swelled with pride.

There was a very long pause.

All that could be heard was the engine roaring and the snow that was just beginning to fall hitting the windscreen at a fast rate.

Rachel shuffled around a bit, pulling her big red coat tighter around her.

"…Cold?", asked Dick.


He leaned forwards and clicked the heater on.

Hot air blasted fourth, thawing the pair.

"Mmmm… Thanks", she said closing her eyes and enjoying the warmth.

Dick just nodded.

Rachel leaned forwards to get a better view.

She put a hand on his shoulder, which actually alarmed him.

"EEYARGH!", he shouted, "You made me jump!"

"Sorry", apologised Rachel sitting back, "I just wanted to see the front a bit more, that's all…"

Dick grunted and tugged on his Jacket collar nervously.


Rachel smiled and leaned forwards once more.

There was an array of knobs and switches, different dials and meters, which glowed in the dark.

Dastardly shifted nervously in his seat.

He wasn't used to having someone's hand resting on his shoulder.

He started sweating.

The silence was unbearable.

Suddenly, Rachel broke the silence and whispered something softly in his ear.

"…What's this switch for…?"

Dick swerved and nearly hit a tree.

Rachel sat back and giggled to herself.

Dick heard her and started to laugh himself.

The car erupted in laughing.

They eventually arrived at the medical centre, where Muttley, who being treated as a human patient, was recovering.

Getting out the car, Dick took off his hat momentarily and brushed his hair back.

He then put it back on and tugged on the sides to pull it on tighter.

Rachel lifted hers up so she could see better.

The medical centre was a tall 7 story building, with a big red sign at the front above the big glass entrance doors.

It shone on the pair as they approached the doors, illuminating them in a sinister, yet wonderful way.

Dick pushed open the heavy doors and held them open for Rachel to walk through.

Rachel thanked him and walked to the reception desk.

"We are to see, err, Muttley?", said Dick nervously as he reached the desk.

The receptionist, who was pretending to look busy and was leafing through some files and typing up some things on the computer in front of her, didn't respond.

"Er… excuse me? I said.."

Rachel softly brushed him aside.

"I'll handle it"

She slammed her hands on the desk and leaned forwards.

"Hello? Are you deaf? We are here to see Muttley!"

The receptionist finally looked up and over her spectacles and blinked in an infuriating manner.

Dick was surprised.

He never expected that.

She was an oldish woman, perhaps in her late 50's early 60's with half-moon specs, gingery hair (Obviously dyed as her roots were showing in all their silvery glory.) and reddish brown lipstick that was pasted on a tight lipped mouth.

She also reeked heavily of perfume (The kind that all grannies wear when their grandkids come to visit. That chokingly Musky sort.) and had eyes that, if looks could kill, she would have killed you twice over, buried you, dug you up again, burned you with fire from her mouth and stamped on your ashes.

She looked back down at the monitor in front of her and raised her nose a little bit so she could view it out of her half-moons.

Rachel, by now, was fuming.


She was then interrupted by the receptionist, who never took her eyes off the screen.

"Visiting hours are 9 am till 5 pm. Please go home!"

"Look!", exclaimed Rachel furiously, "We need to see Muttley! We have checked with the Doctors and they said it was fine to visit! Muttley is an important perso… er, Dog, even!"

"I don't care who or what he is and I don't care who you said told you what! Curfew was over 5 hours ago!"

Dick was stood to one side and was blinking in surprise.

"GAGH!", shouted Rachel, "Can't you just tell us what ward and bed number he is in?"

"Certainly, but that's all I can do.", croaked the woman peering at Rachel with an evil glare, "He's in ward 11 Bed 16."

"…Oh man…", sighed Rachel clasping her hands to her head, "THANK YOU!"

Dick and Rachel started heading for the wards, but the receptionist called out to them.


Rachel stopped and turned round.

"If we are wrong for going, then I would prefer that a DOCTOR told us that. But as I have said before, we have permission to come… so shut your pie hole, file all that crap in front of you and get on with the job you were assigned to do!"

They then headed down the corridor, ignoring everything the receptionist said afterwards.

Dick turned his head in astonishment.

"T-that was really something you did back then! I was very surprised! You'd make an EXCELLENT bad-guy.. er, Woman."

Rachel laughed and slapped him on his arm.

"No! Before you ask… I am not going to team up with you…"

"Awww!", he replied, "Drat! I thought I nearly converted you then…"

They approached the lift and Dick pressed the button.

"Oh..!", exclaimed Rachel backing away, "Do we have to go in there? I HATE lifts!"

Dastardly peered around to see if he could see any stairs.

"Sorry, there's no other way. No stairs!"

Rachel sulked and started to sweat.

The doors rolled open with an almighty clatter and the two stepped inside.

Dick pressed the button for the 5th floor and waited.

The doors slammed shut, but it was a while before anything happened.

"So!", said Dastardly, trying to make conversation while they waited for the lift to move, "How come you don't like lifts?"

"I dunno", she replied while starting to shake a little, "They make me feel funny…"

Suddenly, the lift jolted violently and started to move upwards.

Rachel shrieked and grabbed hold of Dick's arm.

She was clearly scared, as she was squeezing his arm really tightly.

Dick, who wasn't sure what to do, patted her hand.

She slowly released her grip and walked away.

"…sorry. I didn't hurt you did I?"

He shook his head and smiled ever so slightly.

"I, er, never said thank you for looking after Muttley."

"Nah, it's ok… I wanted to."

His smile widened.

Suddenly, the lift shuddered to a halt, making Rachel topple over onto her butt.

"UGH! OW!"

"You ok?"

Dick helped her to her feet and helped brush her down as the lift door swung open.

"Yeah", she replied fiddling with her hat, "I'm fine. Just seeing stars now, that's all."

Dastardly chuckled to himself and walked out the doors, Rachel following close behind.

"Now, where's ward 11?", he exclaimed twisting and turning his head to see if he could see any signs.

Rachel joined in and soon spied a sign pointing to wards 8 – 15.

"Wards 8 to 15 are down there, so ward 11 will be too!", she exclaimed pointing towards a corridor up ahead turning left.

They headed down the corridor but found a dead end.

"Drat! Now what", asked Dick, who was now very irritable.

There was a door to the right that had the number 11 painted on it in big fancy letters.

"Maybe this is it", he said reaching for the handle.

He turned it and opened the door, only to find an old lady getting a Mammogram done.

The old lady shrieked and tried to turn away.

"YIKES!", shouted Dastardly quickly shutting the door and blushing brightly.

A Blonde Haired doctor, who looked rather like Peter Perfect, strolled by in the corridor opposite holding a clipboard.

"EXCUSE ME? HELLO?", called Rachel waving him over.

The Doctor smiled and asked what the matter was.

"Can you tell you where the REAL ward 11 is?", asked Dick, still glowing like a tomato.

The doctor grinned.

"Ah yes.. We need to change those signs. You see, the hospital was just refurbished and the wards have been moved… well, not the wards themselves, just the way to them."

They both stared at the doctor in amazement.

He really looked and sounded like Peter Perfect.

Dastardly stared at his identity card that was pinned to his shirt.

"Ralph Perfect?", he exclaimed, "Do you know Peter Perfect?"

Ralph blinked and stepped back ever so slightly.

"Why yes, he is my brother."

Rachel and Dick looked at each other in shock. (Rachel in a happy way, but Dick in a horrified 'Can't-believe-there's-another-Peter-in-the-World' kind of way.)

"How do you know him?", asked Ralph smiling.

"We are contestants in the Wacky Races", exclaimed Rachel.

Ralph put his finger on his chin and eyed them both.

"Ah yes! Your that Richard fellow that always loses aren't you!"

Dick frowned and sighed.

"Well, it's darn good to meet you!", said Ralph shaking his hand.

He turned to Rachel.

"Although I do believe I have never seen or heard of you… you are?"

"I'm Rachel Prince… and don't worry… I DON'T cheat.", she laughed, nudging Dastardly sarcastically.

"Oh yes!", exclaimed Ralph starting to chuckle, "I get it now, ha ha, you both look the same, ha ha, you don't cheat, ha ha ha yes! Very good!"

Rachel and Dick looked at each other in a puzzled way.

"I, er, wasn't referring to that, but ah well", replied Rachel raising an eye brow at Ralph's discovery.

"But you do! Jolly smashing couple too, if I may say so."

"Were NOT a couple!", roared Dick in an almost, mortally offended way.

"Oh, I do apologise my good man!"

"Good man my eye… Where is Ward 11?"

"Right this way", said Ralph leading the way.

Rachel was following in silence.

It was as though she was offended that Dick was offended at being called a couple.

They walked down a very long corridor, which curved right at the bottom.

The hospital's décor was the same as all other hospitals.

Beige walls with a strange border in the centre of it.

Floors with a strange plastic coating that looked like marble, in either green or a pinky colour.

And, of course, the florescent strip lighting.

It was all a bit much for Dick, what with the décor, the humidity and the usual 'Hospital-Smell'.

"Here we are!", said Ralph pointing to the ward Muttley was in, "Ward 11!"

Dick and Rachel thanked him and walked into the ward.

Ralph showed them to Muttley's bed.

"Here he is."

"MUTTLEY", exclaimed Dick really happily, "OLD BUDDY!"

Muttley leaped up and started licking his face.

"Take it easy Muttley, you'll do your leg in again", said Ralph smiling, "Oh! I best be going."

He looked at his pager.

"One of my female patients has just gone into labour."

Dick hugged Muttley, but was met with a huge waft of antiseptic cream odour.

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to call! I work on this ward and the maternity ward", called Ralph.

Dick slowly pulled his head away from Muttley with a queasy look on his face.

"Er… ERK! Brug!… You wouldn't happen to know where the toilets are do you?", asked Dick green faced.

Ralph chuckled and pointed to a door at the other side of the ward.

"Thank you!"

Dastardly ran over as fast as he could, holding his mouth.

Muttley looked puzzled and then turned his attention to Rachel.

He smiled and wagged his tail.

"Aww! How sweet.", said Rachel stroking his head.

Muttley grabbed her hand and kissed it a few times.

Rachel giggled and Ralph smiled.

Ralph started walking off as Dick came out of the toilet with an ill looking face.

"Your dog likes her", winked Ralph, "Watch out he doesn't start matchmaking, hehe!"

Dick made a sound, which sounded like 'Bleh' and walked towards Muttley's bed.

Muttley was busy hugging Rachel.

"You ok?", she asked upon seeing how rough he looked.

"I-I'll beh thine", he said heaving again, "It'sh thish playce, it'sh makin meh feel sl-sl-slick."

Muttley released his grip and Rachel walked over to him.

"Try these", she said handing him 2 round pills, "They are travel sickness pills, but they do the job."

He took them out her hand and put them in his mouth.

"How do you take theshe thingshe?"

"Just chew them", replied Rachel.

He chewed them and swallowed.

"They tasted like cardboard."

Rachel chuckled and turned back to Muttley.

Dick walked over and stared in shock as Muttley suddenly leapt onto his back.

"Oh no! I'm not going to do it!"

Muttley pointed to his leg and whimpered.

"Oh alright…", said Dick sighing, "But just this once."

He tickled Muttley, making him stick his tongue out with satisfaction.

Rachel smiled and patted Dick on his shoulder.

"How very sweet of you", she said rather sarcastically.

Dick blushed bright red and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

Muttley snickered.

"We had better go, it's very late", said Rachel.

Dastardly's head darted around.

"Do we have to leave", he said in rather sad manner as he stared at Muttley who was actually asleep.

"Afraid so, Muttley needs his rest", she replied putting a hand on his shoulder trying to ease him away, "And so do we! We have another race tomorrow."

Dick sighed and walked over to Muttley.

He took the bed sheets and tucked him in.

Looking around to make sure no one was watching, he gave Muttley a quick kiss on the forehead.

"Get better old pal."

Rachel, who was stood by the ward door, noticed what he just did and thought it was awfully cute, but decided not to say anything.

They stood outside the ward, but had forgotten how to get out.

The corridor in front had been closed off for the night.

"Hmm..", exclaimed Dick scratching his head, "What now?"

"Where's Ralph?", asked Rachel, "He will know and he did say to call him if there was any trouble."

Dastardly sighed and nodded in a rather hesitant manner.

Just then, Ralph came wandering round the corner.

"Ah, Hello! You still here?"

"Yes", exclaimed Dick in an irritant way, "because we can't find the way out!"

"Ah yes!", chuckled Ralph, "I forgot to tell you that they close that corridor after 12 o'clock so patient's can sleep better."

Dick sighed and turned round in a huff, his back facing Ralph.

"So, how do we get out", asked Rachel.

"Well, the only way out is through the Maternity ward, down the steps and the elevator at the end", replied Ralph clasping his clipboard under his right arm and combing his hair.

Dick's eyes flew open, followed by a strange gasping sort of gulp.

He swivelled round hastily.


Ralph nodded.

"You see, we don't have many visitors at this time of night."

"Obviously…", huffed Dastardly putting his hands back in his pockets and turning round.

They headed out of ward 11 and followed Ralph to the Maternity Ward.

Dick screwed his face up and covered up his ears.

Babies were crying left right and centre, followed by the sound of desperate Mothers trying to quieten them.

Rachel was in heaven.

She loved babies and went all gooey whenever she saw them.

Ralph was calmly walking through the ward, followed by Dick who had his hands over his ears.

They walked down the stairs and got to the elevator.

Dastardly uncovered his ears and turned to face Rachel… who wasn't there.

He looked around frantically, but she was nowhere to be seen.

He turned to face Ralph, who was busy pressing the elevator button with a calm expression on his face.

"Where's Rachel", asked Dick scratching his head.

Ralph was silent.

"HEY! You deaf?"

Ralph turned his head.

"OH! I DO apologise..", he said plucking out a pair of ear plugs, "You were saying..?"

Dick blinked in surprise.

"You could have given ME some ear plugs…", he moaned, "Anyway, Rachel is missing."

Ralph blinked.

"Oh, how very strange, she was here a minute ago."

"Yes! IT IS!", shouted Dick flailing his arms in alarm.

They retraced their steps and peered into the maternity ward.

There was Rachel standing there with big watery eyes holding a little baby.

Dick and Ralph blinked.

They headed back into the ward, Dick very reluctantly.

They approached Rachel who, spontaneously, let out a shriek of delight.

"Cooome oon!", said Dick trying to coax her away and make her hand the baby back to its mother.

Eventually, after much persuasion, they headed for the elevator.

"OK, here it is! See you around some time!", said Ralph waving.

The pair walked into the elevator.

"Just, try and restrain her", chuckled Ralph, "Tell her that she can hold her own as long as she wants when she has one."

Dick patted Rachel on the head.

"Don't worry, she isn't going anywhere."

Rachel got fed up of him patting her head and so she grabbed him and held him in an armlock.


Ralph laughed again.

"As I say, see you around sometime. Never know, the next time we meet, you two may be married with your own little bambino's"

They both stopped in their tracks and Rachel released her grip on him.

"Some how...", frowned Dick, "I doubt it.."

Rachel blushed wildly over what Ralph said and just kept quiet.

The elevator doors started shutting and the pair waved bye.

Doors slamming shut, Dick started swaying back and forth.

"Hmm?", asked Rachel, "What's the matter?"

"That guy is the matter", moaned Dick, "He is the most irritating guy I have ever met."

"Just like Peter really, but I don't find him irritating", smiled Rachel.

"HOW?", exclaimed Dick in surprise.

"I dunno. I find him quite intriguing actually."

Dick eyed her suspiciously.

"Never mind, hehe", laughed Rachel noticing his face.

The lift ground to a halt and the doors opened.

Walking past the reception desk and towards the main entrance, Rachel turned round to face the old lady still snobbering at the desk.

She stuck her tongue out and pulled her bottom eye lid down.

Dick laughed when he saw what she was doing.

"HOOLIGANS!", cried the old lady shaking her fist.

The pair exited the hospital, laughing as they went.

They got to the car and tried to cool down by wafting themselves with their hands.

"Blimey, it was hot in there", exclaimed Rachel wafting herself frantically.

"Agreed", said Dick unbuttoning his coat a bit.

They climbed into Dick's car.

Dick turned to face Rachel.

"What time is it?"

Rachel looked at her watch.

"Just gone twenty past one."

Dastardly let out a big sigh and took off his coat.

The pair were that hot it was steaming up the windscreen.

"Gah!", shouted Dick in alarm, "I'll never be able to drive in conditions such as these!"

He took off his gloves and tried to wipe some of the condensation from the window.

Rachel nodded.

Dick turned back round to face her.

She took off her hat revealing her purple hair.

Dick stared awe-struck.

She then proceeded to take off her coat.

She was wearing a navy blue and white long sleeved tie-dye top and navy blue and white designer tie-dye jeans.

Dick, as per usual, was wearing his red shirt and black trousers.

Rachel blinked in puzzlement as he stared at her.

"Erm… Shouldn't we be going now", asked Rachel, "It's really getting late."

Dastardly shook his head to try and wake himself up.

"Eh? W-wha..? OH! Yes… uhm, but the windscreen is steamed up to the eye balls", he exclaimed drawing a little face in the condensation.

Rachel smirked and pointed to the heater.

"AH YES! Of course… silly me", blushed Dick switching the de-humidifier on.

The condensation started to slowly disappear, so Dick started the engine.

The End

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