In the three nights I have spent looking for Maxxie again, starting back where I left him and walking in a hopeful spiral, I haven't caught a whiff of him, let alone a glimpse.
That might be because I'm distracted. Being alone isn't doing anything good to me. I'm convinced I'm being followed, and Angelina seems to have attached herself to every waking thought. I've spent less time sleeping or looking for my best friend than I have grieving.
I have a song stuck in my head, too - You'll Never Know, by LoveHateHero. I wouldn't mind, if it hadn't been the song playing when I first kissed Angelina.
I'm tryin' to forget,
But it's breakin' me instead.
I can't live, without you, without you.
I keep reading into this,
And the pieces that I miss.
I can't be, without you, without you.
I hum the tune as I walk, trying not to go insane. My walking has become aimless tonight. I can hear the little voice in the back of my head going "what's the point? He's not here, and he's probably not looking for you. Give up."
So I do. Well. My legs give way and I land on my arse in the middle of the dirt track staring blankly at a sheep sleeping in the field beside me. Same thing, really.
I haven't ‘eaten' the last few days, either. I finished all those crisps and energy drinks and stuff last night, and I haven't been able to bring myself to deal with the other kind of hunger rising in my guts. It aches so bad to not drink blood, but the instilled hatred for vampirism and everything that goes with it is worse. It's like there's two parts of me that completely disagree. The conflict in my own head is making me dizzy.
Or is that the hunger?
I can't tell anymore.
All I know is I need to find someone - anyone - that can teach me to survive with all this.
Because clearly, I am less capable of it than I thought.