Have you ever through that you were going to die? I mean, really, truly believed that you were going to die before your time, not from old age, not from natural causes, not from some freak accident. Thought you were going to die slowly, painfully, tragically, in front of your horrified family and friends.
And it was all your fault.
Your mother is going to watch her baby die. Everything she has ever done has been for you. For your enjoyment, for your success, for your happiness. And in one stupid moment, one stupid, careless moment, when, as usual, you were thinking only of yourself and that split second of selfish. instant gratification, you ripped out her heart.
Have you ever known what that feels like?
They say if you think positive you will live longer.
I look at the bottle of pills on the counter. I wonder if it would be less hurtful, less painful, more bearable for her if I just took all of them at once. I wonder what would happen. Would it be over? Would she stop hurting? I don't deserve to live anyway. I just want to make her stop hurting.
I open the bottle and look at the confetti of multi-coloured magic beans that will keep me on this earth if I take them at exactly the same time every day for the rest of my shortened life. I pour my prescribed dose into my hand, throw them down my throat, and gulp down half a glass of water.