We sat there for a long time in an un-awkward silence. It felt nice.
"When I saw you tonight, after you left, I couldn't stop thinking about you. Just, the way your hair kind of falls in front of your face. The way you smile, you've got a cute smile Stace'. But mostly, the way you kiss."
I smiled and brushed a piece of hair from my face.
"Just like that." he said.
"I miss the way you kiss too." I admitted.
He slowly leaned in closer to my face, and gently kissed me, cautiously slipping his tongue into my mouth. I slipped mine into his, and we slowly encircled our tongues around eachothers. I loved his kisses. They were gentle, yet agressive. I was flooded with memories of the sex we'd had eighteen months ago. He had never stopped kissing me the entire time. Just remembering put shivers up and down my spine. After a few minutes of kissing, James began to put his hand up my shirt. I felt an insane flash of deja vu, and quickly pushed him off of me.
"Sorry." he said, leaning back far away from me.
"No, it's not you, it's just, me. I mean, well, remember what happend last time.."
"Oh, yeah." He said, resting his head on the soft grass of the bank and closing his eyes. "I've been thinking about that a lot lately." he said, his eyes still closed.
"Me too." I admitted.
"You kind of avoided me for a really long time after that. I thought you might have felt raped or something."
"That's the last thing I felt." I said, almost defensilvely.
"Yeah, I figured that out when you started talking to me again, but I still can't figure it out. Why would you not talk to me for months?"
"Well my god James, we weren't even dating!"
"Yeah, I know. It just sort of happend. I don't know if you feel the same way or not about it, but I don't regret it."
"It's not the sex I regret." I mumbled under my breath.
I caught a quick look at James. He was looking at me as though he was trying to figure out what I just said. He didn't ask though, as I slowly looked away.
We sat there in awkward silence for a while. Neither one of us knew what to sat next. I curled my legs up and rested my chin on my knees. James slowly moved closer to me and put hus arm around my sholders. A tear slide down my face, and I wiped it away quickly.
"What's wrong?" James asked, sqeezing me tighter.
I took a deep breath and fought the urge to burst into tears. I focused on a small spot of the moon's reflection on the water as it rippled. James slowly leaned in to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He was watching himself this time. There was no agression in his lips softly moving over mine. I went deeper into the kiss, adding my own agression. I lost my train of thought quickly as I moved my hand up his shirt. Rather than let me, he moved my hand from under his shirt, keeping hold with his hand as we kissed, and running the other through my tangled hair. I used my free hand to stroke the side of his face. Kissing him now was different from kissing him earlier, or kissing him eighteen months ago. Kissing him now was more romantic. I quickly stopped myself. James and I had no romance. This was just us hooking up platonically, if that were even possible. Just like eighteen months ago, it was nothing but sex. Cold, hard, sex. James was staring into my eyes now.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"What the hell are we?" I asked.
"Well, I don't know." he replied.
"We're not dating, hell, we're barely even friends. Do we just randomly hook up every eigthteen months or so for god's sake?"
"Are you not enjoying this?" he asked.
"You cannot possibly conceive how much I'm enjoying this, but we're hardly even friends let alone more."
"You know, Stacy. I bet I can conceive how much you enjoy this, because when I kiss you, it's like a lightening bolt strikes through my whole body. No girl has ever made me feel like that."
"No guy has even made me feel the way you make me feel either." I admitted.
"Well then, why can't we just enjoy whatever the hell this is without worrying?"
"Because, I need to know there's something."
"Says the girl who avoided me like the plague after we had sex." James mumbled, leaning back.
"You know, I avoided you for a reason." I said.
"That so? 'Cause I'd love to heait it."
"Well I don't know if right now would be the best time to say."
"Fine, I'll wait forever if I have to." he said.
Sitting there, I just wanted to punch a hole into the metal bea, holding up the gazebo. I was extremely frusterated, especially with myself. I had just ruined one of the best things that had happend to me in months. For once, I broke the silence.
"Can we just forget what just happend?" I asked.
"I'd like that." he said.
He slowly leaned over me, and gently put his hand behind my head. His gentle lips slowly moved over mine once more. I promised myself that I would not interrupt this time.
* * *
We had definatly lost track of time, because it was 2 am by the time we stopped. The only reason we had stopped was a severe lack of oxygen. James was again staring at the water. I could tell by his eyes that he was really thinking about something. I sat as close as I could next to him without literally sitting on top of him.
"What's on your mind?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter." he said.
"Obviosly, it does."
"I told you, I'll wait forever."
"You really wanna know?"
"Yeah." he said, sounding more cartain than I'd ever heard him in my life.
"You have to promise you will not hate me." I said.
He leaned in and gently, but firmly kissed me.
"Cross my heart." he said.
"I was pregnant." I said, looking away from him.
It was so quiet all I could hear was my own breath. I looked over to make sure James was still breathing. It felt good to say it out loud. I had never really told anyone that I was pregnant.
"My baby?" he asked.
I was almost offended, although it was a valid question.
"You had an abortion." he said, as a statement rather than a question.
"Yes. It felt like the right thing to do. I was young, and you were young. Neither one of us were ready to be parents."
"It was the right thing to do, but you could have told me for god's sake Stacy."
"I was scared. I was so young! I didn't tell anyone. None of my friends knew. No one has even known. In the past year and a half, you're the only one I've ever told."
"Pregnant." he said.
"Not telling you. It was your baby too."
"I'm not mad that you didn't tell me. It was the right thing to do. Like you said, we were young."
"Were." I repeated.
Past tense. As though now things were different.
"Were." he said again, almost question-like.
"Lately I've been regretting it." I said.
"Well, sometimes, I wonder what the baby would look like, or if we would have been good parents."
"You'll eat yourself up doing that." James said.
"It's hard not to." I said.