What I Am

“Do you have... a Bible? What I am is in there you know...


“We were always a church going family, even during the good times, and there were many” It’s not a lie, before He left, before She abandoned the words. You will find out but, not today only to make it go faster this is not for today. 

“in the bible” I can feel the burning itch to touch those pages again, just to remember the softness “you claim that what I feel is sinful.” moving around the room is it away from or toward the answer? “but what is so sinful about what I feel?” Are these question we ask? Is it truly dramatic if we really only want to know? “I feel pain, sin itself is pain, but does that make it sin?” I have rehearsed this question and now it seems foreign, his face is blank, is he real? “does that make it full of hatred? the wetness beautiful in pain.

“Yes... I feel pain Yes!” screaming at once, then quiet, I start  I rant. It is important even if he is quiet and I am angry, for it is I who is quiet and He angry red ranting against me. Blank invisible wordless voice. “ and I feel worry and I feel hate and confusion and cold and warm. I feel sadness and I feel grief, I feel judgment and guilt and anger,  I feel compassion and I feel sympathy and  I feel hope and wonder and envy and pride and joy.  I feel disappointment, and I feel fear and loath and humility and pity and contempt, I feel love...” where are you? a breath “I feel love” I can not find the air “I can feel love…” is this a lie to me or for His ears “I can feel my love, a different kind of love? I don’t know” Confusion fills my godless mind but is He listening, manic empty responce “I thought I could feel, is it not the warmth and caring for another person, there is only one kind of love…” and love is LOVE Right? is it mine or your “I can feel that love” I wonder back to a place of rebellion “and on occasion I can feel happiness, does THAT make me sinful?” He is a mirror and I see in his face a reflection of a man i do not know dripping with vile tears and falling deeper “I feel such contempt for my life.”

The End

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