I think it's quite possible that the worst thing about the Fall is knowing that you can never go back.
I've heard whispers of those who fell alone, looking for solace or excitement by themselves, and my god do I pity them. I mean, at least I had Dora and Stan- as caustic as they can both be. There's bonds between us that will never be broken. We share the same past, the same struggle, and no mortal can ever share that (unfortunately).
Hi, sorry. I'm Sylvester and I've had too much time to think about this.
When we fell from Grace we fell together. No one remembers that well. The five senses are a bit different in Heaven in the way that they're not at all. No sensory information as you know it, just kind of a sense light and knowing. A collective conciousness. As soon as you have a mortal(ish) body all that stuff becomes really hard to scry memories from because, well, it's a whole different way of...feeling. Dora says she started it though, she was the curious one and she led us down the rabbit hole.
I like Alice In Wonderland. Media and the Arts isn't something they have up there really, and it's something I've been trying to catch up on, no matter how badly Stan would mock me for reading "mortal fables". The thing people don't seem to get about the story is that there's a clear theme of isolation and confusion amongst it all. The main scope doesn't have to be the curiousness of it all or how much it seems like a world on drugs- the main scope can be just how alone Alice is in such a crazy world.
But anyway, yeah. Dora resents me calling her Dora, but really I think she likes it. Stan loathes me calling him Stan. Names aren't something you have up there, so we named ourselves. Pandora is named so because she struggles with the idea she was the cause of us falling, so she shackles herself with a name that links her to someone else who caused suffering. Stan is short for...Konstantin. I think he just liked the power of the name. He's not one for over-thinking things.
We went through our suffering together, living on the moors or in caves for a bit, naked and alone. We don't need mortal stuff, but once you fall everything hits you at once. I imagine the sudden confusion, lust and ridiculous hunger must be like that thing called puberty. Except ours occurs when we're fully grown, but as innocent as a child.
Innocence can be terrifying. No, god, not for me. For everyone around us. Because we'd never had to learn what we can and can't do, because we'd never had to think our own morals...we were basically god-like animals. The first century was an ungodly mess. I think Stan once ate a village full of newborns. The orgies were constant. We were monsters.
We grew up slowly, using each other as crude handholds. Now, just about, any of us can blend into mortal society. And we do. Immortality isn't easy, just like being demons isn't easy. There are very few of us. It's especially problematic that even though we were angels and we have ridiculous supernatural powers and horns and all, none of us know where it was that we came from. Or if Satan exists. Or what we're supposed to do. So we just exist.
I'd say...a century and a half in, maybe, we met Hydra and Brown. They fell together, apart from us, but they're essentially our family now. Stan turns his nose up at them, saying they're wild. Okay- Brown lives shape shifted into an animal most of the time. Hydra doesn't speak, just kind of smiles wickedly at us like a shark. But it doesn't make us better than them! Morality is an odd thing, so is superiority. I don't know really.
Stan lives for evil and gambling. He owns multiple businesses, he seduces multiple women, he gambles and manipulates and generally fucks other people over. Dora has her own life- she gains amusement from little things. Making men fall in love with her. Making men who play other women uncomfortable. She once told me how she took a total womanizer and destroyed his ego by letting him fuck her and the whole time telling him, innocently as anything, she could feel nothing.
Me, I play a different game. You might've already worked out how much I like stories and acting, so I decided to write my own. I act as a stereotype demon. I even play different parts. People seek me out much more easily than you'd think they would. I use my supernatural powers to grant their wishes, then I promise to come back for their souls in a few years. Most times I kill them- the breed of mortals who make deals are usually utter scumbags, and they deserve it. They use their bargains to fuck other people over for their own gain. I figure, I don't know where they end up when they die, but maybe they'll suffer just a taste of the confusion any demon does after the fall. A select few are good, honest people- just desperate. I tell them they've redeemed themselves, let them free. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel good.
Me, Dora...Konstantin, we all live separate lives, doing our own thing. But every so many years, we get in touch, we meet up with Brown and Hydra too in the place we lived so long after we fell. A little cave. A Damson tree's grown above it in the time we've been around, it's nice. I'm writing now to tell you about exactly how the latest rendezvous went.
Things were a bit different this time.