The General Lee just didn’t give me the same satisfaction it gave me this morning as I bootlegged’er out of the parking lot, and sped down old County Road 9, and was barely able to let out a half-hearted ‘yeehaw’ when it appeared someone was farming when a lonely cow wandered onto the road. (Oh no!). She felt very sad and needed a new home. I managed to swerve around her despite the fact, I admit, I was crying. That’s right. Sobbing.

I was barely able to concentrate as I careened around corners, the sound of gravel kicking up under my fenders like spastic fleas on a bucking bronco, my head collapsed on the steering wheel, one hand fishtailing the car past blind man's curve as the other wiped away a torrent of tears. I wept all the way home.  

This was now the worst time in my life because my life keeps just getting worse. None of it made any sense at all. How could I feel pretty if he didn’t think I was pretty? Sure, a little pee smell, but it was Sex Ed Class! Didn’t everyone smell like that in Sex Ed Class? Besides, I had smelled my hair and the passionfruit smell was not only intoxicating but provided a youthful, vibrant carefree scent with a mild hint of almonds! I wailed.  

It was the worst and the best experience. I thought back to my daydream and instantly had that feeling, and this is just for the ladies because the guys won’t get it anyow – but – ok, you know when you’re at the park, and you’re sitting on the swing seat sideways so that you’re…um…straddling it…and then you jump and down but you have to be really fast and not make any noise because the security guard already told you he didn’t want to see you in the park again? – Yes! – just like that.

When I got to the door, I was surprised to hear Charlie thrashing about inside, when usually he’d have put himself down for his afternoon nap.  Upon opening the door, I was horrified as water, likely a foot high came pouring out.  (Oh, no!)

“Damned trash compactor is jammed, Stells”, declared Charlie.  His hands were holding up an empty tool belt around his waist.

“Dad”!” I put my hands up in the air to make a point.

"Yes, Stells?” Charlie took the cigar out of his mouth so he could spit out his tobacco, and looked at me, expectantly. At the very least, he was a good listener.

“Dad, we don’t have a garbage disposal”

“Stella, I just saw the guy using it on TV this afternoon, so don’t be...”

“Why do you carry a toolbelt if it's empty?”

“Cuz that’s where I keep my hammer, Silly Billy”

“Well, where’s your hammer?”

“Your mother took it when she moved.”

“Charlie, I am going to wave my hair, glare at you and stomp upstairs now, while you call a plumber.”

Unfortunately that never happened. Why? Because my life sucks. That’s why. And I had to explain to the police and the fire trucks and the ambulance attendant that my idiot of a Dad thought that 911 also dialed plumbers and not only that but it didn’t matter how pretty they probably thought I was, because if the guy that I daydream smashing a Volvo into my garage didn’t think so, then obviously I was not.

With that, and Charlie off to the library to borrow a phone book,  I was finally able to stomp up the stairs, making up for not flipping my hair with a good slam of the door. I thought of calling my mother, but realized that she was probably worried about me, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with that. So, I just sent her an e-mail because if she was going to worry, then she should know what to worry about.

“Mom. These people are all a**holes. The only person that was worth any attention at all is fat. There is one guy who’s really hot, but he hasn’t glared at me once or scared me so I don’t think I’m pretty. How are you? (rhetorical)”

Mom must have been listening to the computer because my cool computer at home says “You got mail”, and a second later I got this back.

“Stella, my lovely princess daughter. You’ve been there two days and you’re miserable. Kids are cruel – I remember how you were saying all the kids in your other schools were a**holes too. They just don’t understand you! You have been trying to be smug and standoffish, haven’t you?

“As for the boy, well, I’ll tell you, Rex took his time, I’ll tell you – I thought it’d never happen! Until one night he got some beer into him and scared the bejeezus out of me! I thought I’d have to call the cops! But the adrenaline rush (if you know what I mean) Remember what I showed you about the swing set? Yes! Like that”

“Do you want us to come pick you up?”

The End

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