But let's not get sidetracked!!
So there I was, in the parking lot, staring at Edmund from a long way away, far enough that he probably wouldn't realize what I was doing, but close enough that I could still see the golden highlights in his silken hair, and the gorgeous milky lemon-yellow color of his eyes. Oh, the eyes! It was such a relief to have finally caught a glimpse of him today since he'd been ignoring me for like, Ever! Or maybe he wasn't ignoring me per se, (pardon my French), but was just nervous to be around me because he's madly in love with me, you know how it goes.
I stared at him for like 20 minutes, watching him have lively, animated conversations with his strangely attractive group of siblings. Some of them were holding hands with each other and nestling their noses into each other's necks, which honestly didn't bother me just because they were siblings that clearly "like liked" each other, but rather because I was jealous of them, and Mom had always taught me that jealousy was a sin.
There was one point where Edmund turned to look at me, well I say that, really he just turned his head in a complete scan around the parking lot, but he was bound to have seen me right?! So he looked at me and I launched my "when Edmund looks at me" plan, but it had been so long that it took me by surprise, and in my attempt to look away as if I hadn't been staring at him, I jumped, and slipped instead upon the ice which was as slippery as a seal! This time I fell forward, but luckily I fell straight on my face, so my hair wasn't messed up at all! I stood right back up like a champ, only falling back down once in the process, and then immediately turned to flash Edmund a bright smile as if I hadn't been looking at him at all, but then just by chance, I turned to look at him right when he looked at me. Guys like it when you do that because it makes them feel like they have a hypnotic stare, which in Edmund's case, I'm starting to think he might actually have one, but I'll get to that in a minute. That whole plan was going to make more sense if I hadn't fallen on the ice first, but I found it best to just pretend such things never happened.
So anyway, back on my feet, hair as cute as ever, I kept standing there, pretending not to be in pain from my various falls, pretending not to be staring at Edmund, when all of a sudden! This black guy (of course!) nearly ran me over with a truck!
Seriously, a truck! Me! Nearly ran over! I mean I was just standing off by my car, minding my own business, not even in the middle of the road where he should have been driving, and then he just WHAM veers off into where I'm standing, with this vicious evil grin on his face, eyes red and bulging, smoke coming out of his nostrils (I think he might have been high on glue-sniffing). And don't go blaming the ice on the road, that's what studded tires are for (I think?).
Anyway, this guy was a terrible driver and, I might add, a terrible person. What was it about ME, specifically, that made him want to hit me with his truck? Was it my gorgeous movie-star hair? My adorable, relatable, necessary-character-flaw clumsiness? Was the pleasant aroma of my new shampoo wafting too strongly through his air vents? The point is, there were at least 10 other innocent white girls standing around in the parking lot, but I didn't see him attack any of THEM! I mean if you wanted to rape me, just jump me while I'm walking alone at night with my iPod on, like any normal guy would do, you creep!
And that's not even the weirdest part! I haven't even gotten CLOSE to the actual important part of the story here! I'm just laying out the landscape so you can fully appreciate all the riffraff that went on that day. So HERE is what actually happened:
I was literally about to be made into a "truck sandwich" (get it? because I was going to be smashed into my truck by another truck, thus creating two trucks with me on the inside, like they were pieces of bread?) when out of NOWHERE, I mean like, waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy across the street... Edmund jumped in front of me and stopped the truck with his BARE HANDS!
Edmund! Who I was just daydreaming about, across the street! Saved my life! It was like a romantic movie! Could I be dreaming? Could I be dead? I thought so at first, but then I remembered that when we die, our spirits separate from our bodies and we go to the spirit world, where we are judged and assigned our own planet where we will continue to live out the rest of our spirit lives, and I was pretty sure the spirit world didn't look like my high school parking lot. So I was alive! Because Edmund had saved me. The truck that was trying to hit me was crumpled up like an accordion and the driver was killed instantly but me and my car were perfectly untouched! It was a miracle! And better still, Edmund was so close to me at that moment that I knew for a fact he was being seduced by my banana coconut shampoo and was probably thinking of what sexy, heroic, quippy thing he was about to say to me.
But he was taking too long to decide, and I was a little preoccupied with the fact that he had just stopped a truck that was moving at like 60 MPH with his bare hands, so I had to interrupt his undoubtedly sexy train of thought.
"Uh… how…?" I asked.
"Shh, not now," he whispered seductively. His breath smelled like Dentyne Ice and for a moment I felt like I was in one of their commercials, as he scooped me up into his strong arms which I noticed were themselves as cold as ice, and I was beginning to wonder whether or not that was normal after such a feat of superhuman strength. Like the blood all went to his head, or whatever. It's like a chemistry thing? Or biology, one. Anyways, as he carried me off, a series of disturbing thoughts ran through my head:
One. Human beings simply couldn't do what he just did. Not even the gladiator types that Charlie used to watch on TV to help him get pumped up for those underwear wrestling tournaments he kept entering. I doubt if anyone in the world could beat Edmund at wrestling! I dozed off for a moment while imagining Edmund in one of those tournaments, which had never seemed sexy to me before but there you go. Then I was distracted by something shiny that looked like it might have been some of Edmund's skin glimmering in the sunlight for a brief second, which was cool because I didn't know that many straight guys who wore glitter, but if it's your thing, then more power to you for being secure in your sexuality, right? I mean not every guy can pull off glitter! And then the original thought, from before, came back to me, and I concluded:
Two. Edmund, was not, human.
I felt an indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know much of anything for certain anymore, but in that moment and the several moments that followed, I had become completely certain of this: Edmund was my soulmate.