Dilemmas Before the Rave

Buenos Días. I was awoken wretchedly not half an hour passed, by my uncharitable, inconsiderate alarm clock, the ringing grinding away at the inside of my blasé eardrums like the worst bawling of Oli Sykes since he caught tonsillitis; until they unwillingly obeyed and awoke my slumbering self. I dragged myself and my ten-tonne eyelids across the room to start choosing what to wear today. Have you forgotten?! Rave later! I can’t wait! I have to look my best.

I’ve narrowed my options down to three; a skimpy gold River Island rara dress in size 6, a Peacocks retro dress in a 6 and a racy red Jane Norman jumpsuit in a 10. Jane Norman sizing... Their size 6 is more like a size 2 and only dear Cheryl Chav Cole in her first season of X Factor could have worn it. Who is the market for?! It goes up to an 18, which is more like a 12 in the real world. I don’t know how JN survives in America. Let’s face it, all Americans go to Maccy D’s, but America is split into those who wait in the queue to buy a supersize happy meal four times a day and those who spend all their time in the toilets throwing up the half a dozen peas they just ate. So what I’m basically what I’m saying is, JN is a supporter of anorexics. Only they can fit into the 6. I mean, I’m utterly miniscule, and I can’t even get the 6 over my head.

So, I’m going to sit on that problem for a bit. I have the TV on, but it’s all lame. My choices are basically GMTV, Jeremy Kyle Show, Football, Football, Football, Golf, and about a million choices of advert. Talking of which, The Jeremy Kyle Show is a game. My favourite sub-games are counting the number of teeth, where you have to count how many you see in one show and see if you can break your record. Black teeth don’t count. Also, have you noticed how they can never just “say” something, they always “turn around and say” it. And they turn around one hell of a lot of times. They must become very dizzy. Things always tend to occur at the End of the Day as well. I like to count how many times a day ends in one session. It can be highly entertaining.

You know what? I don’t want to watch ANY of these, I’ll stick a DVD in. There’s a stack of most-watched DVD’s on top of the CD rack, including Brothers Grimm, Lord of the Rings 1, Simpsons Movie, Scary Movie 3.5, The Ring, Wolf Creek (any movie which makes you scream “RUN!!!!” at a motionless object HAS to be good!) and... Oh. Chicken Run. Uh... Not that I watch that, eh...

Lord of the Rings. The One Ring which will “In The Darkness, Bind Them.” Clearly Sauron is a purve. Apologies for that tasteful observation... Couldn’t resist...

That movie was also the rise of Orlando Bloom (although he was never the same without that utterly gorgeous blonde elf-hair). Who IS better than Johnny Depp and his ever-wrinkling nose no matter what everyone says. Although Johnny Depp beats Robert Pattinson anyday. What does the female population (and some of the male) see in that stupid Twilight dude? No-one was that keen when he was still Cedric Diggory! All they’ve done is made him sparkle, given him static vampire hair and told the world he wants to suck your blood, and oh-my-God he has magically transformed into a sex-God. Didn’t work for me, apologies. I am not that gullible.

I’ll watch that in a bit. I’ve just remembered that I’m supposed to have sorted the music for the party. The music has to be good, a fair range of everything, from Katy Perry to My Chem. And see if I can bring the crew round to the idea of Nightwish (not Annette whatsername, Tarja Turunen all the way! She grows on you after a while, Tarja being kicked out was the worst thing since lesbian off-duty SlovakianTraffic Wardens.

And lesbian off-duty Slovakian Traffic Wardens are pretty bad.

I’ll get back to you when my hangover has worn off... Adiós!

The End

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