Trying Not to Say...

So many things we are tempted to say but are trying not to. It could be something good, like an exciting surprise or the "L" word, or something bad like telling your friend that her outfit is scary or just telling someone you can't stand them.

So many times a day I choke back or bite down on words that want to spill from my lips. There are so many things I should not say.

I want to tell that woman over there just what I think of her choice of fashion. I bite back the rudeness, knowing it serves no purpose.

I want to be cynical and say just what is on my mind, express my doubt in the wonderfulness of the world around me.

Trying not to let out the thoughts in my head, trying so hard not to say the wrong thing.

"I hate you."

"I love you."

"That outfit looks bad."

"You look so good."

Good or bad, so many things I am afraid to say. Things I know I would regret, others I should regret, and some that just plain scare me.

Can you tell when I am fighting not to say the words that are choking me? So scared they will be the wrong words, terrified of how you will react.

Can you tell when I wish I cared a little less? Can you tell when I am thinking something far too hard, dying to say it, knowing I should not?

Trying not to offend, trying not to shock, trying not to freak you out.

All the words, some days I think I will open my mouth and they will fly out, fully formed, visible to all. I think they will tangle my fingers when I go to write.

I await a Freudian slip of epic proportions.

Then a word slips out and I cannot pull it back, I cannot make it unsaid, untyped. I cannot make it go away.

Please forgive me. Maybe one day I will tell you. Maybe one day it will be safe.

Until then, I am trying not to say...

The End

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