Every step I took on the hard tiled floor seemed to echo down the unusually quiet corridors of my high school. People seemed to be moving in slow motion, almost as though they thought any sudden movements would set me off crying. Whenever I turned a corner, or went through a door, those in the hallway in front of me suddenly stopped, and stared. No one even attempted to disguise the fact they had been talking about me, they didn't seem to care. There were occasional people who came up to me and nervously asked how I was, shaking - like I was something to be afraid of. I repeatedly said I was okay - I mean, what was I meant to say? 'Oh I'm absolutely shit thanks, and you?' At least those people sort of cared. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting everyone to be smothering me with sympathetic kisses, but I was hoping my first day back would go better than this.
The school put on an assembly tribute to my mates that had died. They'd asked me if I wanted to say something about them, but there was no way they were going to get me to stand up in front of the school. I'd never been good at doing speeches and presentations in front of the class, they had no chance of getting me to do it now. Instead I sat and watched, cringing at every word, slowly sliding down in my seat. I stared fixated at the clock, hoping the world would swallow me up.
My lessons felt awkward and cumbersome. None of the teachers called on me for answers, even when I had my hand up. It was blatently obvious in English Lit. Mr. Parker usually went round asking everyone's opinions on whatever we were studying, today he decided against it. I probably shouldn't be complaining, I hated being put on the spot by teachers, but I just wanted everything to be normal again. But that was never going to happen, was it? I had to get over this, no matter what it took.
I completely avoided the canteen at lunchtime. The underlying whispers that stalked me around the school were inducing the beginnings of insanity upon me, so I concluded I would spend my lunch on the field, even though it was coming up to winter so it was freezing cold.
I sat consumed in loneliness as I watched the world go by around me. The absence of sound gave my thoughts space to pour out into the front of my mind, so I plugged in my iPod, shut my eyes, and closed myself off from the world for a while.