monologue of a man in love with an unobtainable.
Leaning in to get a better view I can’t help but wonder just how she’s put together. I mean shit, she’s probably one of the most attractive girls I know, but that’s really not it. She radiates life to me. Sounds like shit I know but I can’t figure out any other way of saying it. If the world is in three dimensions then she’s got a fourth.
I just wish I had a chance of joining her in that fourth dimension. We are friends, have been forever, but I don’t think she looks at me and sees me the same way. I think I appear just slightly transparent to her eyes.
You ever have that? That feeling of complete and utter you-really-ain’t-shit-but-ill-be-nice-to-you-because-its-in-my-nature vibe that just won’t go away, like you’re the old black man in the toilet handing the more important people their hand towels. Fuck I hate that. For 13 years I’ve felt like that. I find myself doing the most stupid shit just to prove that I’m not that old black fuck in the toilet to her. It never seems to work though.
Like today, I did just about every conceivable act of soul glowing goodness I could think of, mainly to get her attention, but nothing. We talked- about the damn weather and how the Angels were going to do this year. What the fuck do I know about the Angels? I mean its baseball right? God I hope so or I ended up sounding even more stupid than normal.
I mean how does one come up to a friend and say, “hey ive been dreaming of you for the last 13 years and I really think I love you and want you to feel the same way. So how’s about it, any chance?” Fuck. Just fuck….
I mean it’s not even that she is a nun. I can live with that. It’s not even that she’s married to something I don’t even believe in. It’s more that I don’t think my ego, large as it is, could deal with feeling that transparent the rest of my life.