On My OwnMature

Jack was keeping a particularly close eye on me today, he seemed to be everywhere I went and frankly he was beginning to piss me off. I understood why he was playing stalker and while the sensible part of my brain (the one that rarely got a chance to speak) appreciated his concern, the other side (the one I used on a day to day basis) wanted a drink. There was only a half an hour before we were to go on stage and I was beginning to feel anxious, performing without anything in my system was not on the cards for me. It never had been. I had managed to buy some gin off a techie without Jack noticing and was storing it in the toilet wall, I hadn't had a chance to drink it though Everybody kept asking for favours. Adam wanted to run through the set accoustically, Ben needed me to shave his head, Jack wanted me to restring one of his basses and it didn't stop with my band, Dave decided he needed a hair cut too and Steve wanted me to dye his hair red, Harry wanted me to listen to some riffs he had written and Gar wanted advice on how to ask his girlfriend to marry him. While I had no problem hanging out with the guys and doing all these things John was always on my mind. I had seen him again, I had found something that made him reappear. I was wandering around the buses waiting for the perfect moment to grab my drink, thinking about seeing him, how wonderful it had felt to laugh with him again, if I couldn't see him in person his ghost would have to do.
"Erin we're heading up to the stage now", Adam called over to me, "you coming?".
I knew this was my chance.
"Eh, I really have to use the toilet, I'll be a few minutes", I said.
"You can use the port-a-potty at the stage", he said placing a hand on his hip.
I had to think quickly. There was only one way out of this.
"I can't really", I called back, "I have a girl thing to look after".
"A girl thing?", he replied looking confused.
"A monthy present...".
"Ok ok ok!", he said putting his hands to his ears, "hurry up though".
I nodded and ran into the bus, locking the door behind me. I had about 5 minutes to drink as much as I could. I moved back the panel on the wall and grabbed my gin bottle opening it and drinking straight away gulping it down like it was water. I didn't even like gin. My eyes were watering when I took a break to breathe. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, my throat and chest were burning. I looked at the bottle, half of it was gone. I contemplated drinking the rest but thought of tomorrow night. I reluctantly put it back in the wall and slid it back into place. I took my pills out and crushed 2 sniffing them up like I had done before. I shook my head as my nose started burning aswell.
"Fuck", I moaned holding my nose, "fuck fuck fuck".
I rested my head back against the wall waiting for the burning sensation to end. It wouldn't stop. I took a deep breath and left the bus anyway, deciding to try and ignore it. This wasn't an easy task, every time I inhaled my nose burned more. I was also starting to feel a bit tipsy. I reached the stage just in time for us to go on, I was relieved as it gave Jack no time to talk to me. Of course afterwards I would get a talking to but for now, despite the burning nose, I felt too good to worry about it.

The crowds had long since cleared, Jack had given me a talk, but I was still on a high. I sort of felt bad when he started crying but John kept making silly faces in the corner of the room. Adam had gotten angry and stormed out, but I can't even remember why, I didn't care why. I had left after him, I think Jack had been talking, but John wanted to leave. I found myself in the middle of the field, my voice was the only sound. John didn't like to talk much anymore. He never stood very close to me either, choosing to watch me from a few feat away. I wished he would hold me or even stand beside me, I didn't like the silence, I didn't like that I was now the one that did all the talking. I walked around, mostly in circles, swaying on the spot every now and again, feeling like a shy child.
"Do you miss me?", I asked John.
He smiled and nodded yes.
"I miss you too", I smiled, "I love when you visit me, I feel so alone without you".
He didn't reply as usual. It was starting to bug me a little. I started to dance on the spot, pretending I was waltzing with him. I laughed as I did.
"I have made a friend though", I said smiling, "you know Ryan? He's my friend now, he looks after me".
I caught a glimpse of John, he didn't look too happy. Almost angry. I felt my stomach drop, I didn't want to make him angry.
"You always said I should have more friends", I said quickly, "remember?".
He smiled at me, I let out a sigh of relief, I hated angry John, I hated how it made me feel.
"He can be my friend then?", I asked.
He nodded. I started dancing again, humming lightly. I wished John would talk, I was beginning to feel scared. The silence was weird. Then he started fading but I continued dancing, knowing I would see him soon.
"Erin?", I heard someone say gently.
I turned as I danced and saw Ryan standing a little bit away, looking a bit wary. I smiled and beckoned him over to me. He walked over slowly, his hands in his pockets.
"Do you want to dance?", I asked him.
"There's no music", he said.
"We're musicians", I replied, "we are music".
He smiled and took my hand, I placed my other hand on his shoulder and he put his on my waist. We swayed on the spot.
"Why are you out wandering in the middle of the night?", I asked him.
"Why are you dancing in the middle of the night?", he replied.
"Well I wasn't alone", I said smiling.
He nodded slowly but didn't say anything. I moved my arms up around his neck and rested my head against his chest. He smelt nice, like cigarettes and leather, he was warm. We continued to dance on the spot, turning slowly. I felt my thoughts slow down, my eyes suddenly felt tired, I grew aware of Ryan humming, the crunch of the dry grass under my bare feet. A single tear ran slowly down my face.
"Are you happy?", I whispered.
"What do you mean?", he asked.
"Are you happy?", I repeated the question.
"In general? Yes", he replied.
"But you weren't happy before?".
"How long did it take before you were happy?".
"A while".
I nodded against his chest. He rested his chin on top of my head. I shivered, I wasn't even cold. Something about picturing the scene, the two of us dancing in the middle of an empty field in the middle of the night made me shiver. He stopped dancing and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"Come on", he said, "we'll go back".
I nodded in agreement, swallowing a lump in my throat. I didn't want to go back to my bus. I didn't know what it would be like. We walked to the buses in silence but he kepted his arm around my shoulders, it made me feel safe. We stopped outside my bus. I wrapped my arms around my torso and blinked away tears.
"I don't want to die", I said, "but I want to die".
I turned to look at Ryan, he was looking down at me, his face etched with worry and sadness. There was no condescending pity. I forced a smile and shrugged.
"I guess that makes no sense", I said, "as usual".
"It makes perfect sense", he replied, "believe me".
"Nobody understands what it's like. Waking up and feeling fine and then 2 hours later wanting to just lie down and die".
"I know it's hard", Ryan said quietly, "you can't let yourself give in to those feelings. Look at me, I wasted a year of my life on drink and pills and cocaine, it took a lot to beat the addiction, but I did it. I just couldn't give up".

The End

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