"Where are you going?", I laughed as I ran after John.
He looked back, why wasn't the rain making him wet? He smiled and then kept running. I stopped and laughed, he hid behind a port-a-loo and jumped back out again. I ran towards him and he went around the toilet, I hid on one side, creeping around, catching little glimpses of his blonde hair and tattoo'd arms. I jumped back out and saw him running off into the distance.
"John!", I called after him, he didn't look back now, "John! Stop, come back. John!".
He was gone, I suddenly felt cold, why was I wet again? The rain. Why did John run away from me. I began to jog in the direction he had gone, but I couldn't see him. He had completely disappeared. My heart began to race and I felt the hot tears running down my face. I fell down on the concrete and sobbed. My whole body shook and I couldn't stop it. There was someone calling my name but it wasn't John, it wasn't his voice, it wasn't who I wanted to hear. I felt someone kneel down beside me and wrap their arms around me. I screamed out, I couldn't stop, this horrendous feeling of loss continued to wash over my body bringing with it more tears and pain. Then there was this acidic feeling and then I was vomiting, everything was coming up. Whoever had knelt beside me was rubbing my back, telling me everything was ok. My stomach wretched over and over again, there was nothing left to throw up, I just felt pain, I thought I was about to throw a lung up.
"Erin it's ok", I recognised the voice, Jack, "I'm here sis".
I turned to him and sobbed into his shoulder as he hugged me close. There was a shadow above us and suddenly it had stopped raining. I heard a new voice, Ben. He had found an umbrella. I don't know how long they waited with me, it was a long time.
I woke up the next morning feeling just as bad, I didn't remember anything after Jack finding me. I couldn't move. I started to panic, it was dark and my body was paralysed. I was dead, I had died. I deserved it, to die. I had asked for it and now I was dead. Something moved beside me, I jumped. Then everything made sense, Adam had squeezed himself in beside me, his arms were around me like a straight jacket. I calmed down a little.
"You ok?", Adam whispered, I knew his eyes were still shut.
I shuffled around to face him. I managed to get my arm free and ran my fingers around his face, I felt him smile.
"I love you Adam", I whispered, "you know that right?".
"I know Erin", he replied, "love you too".
"I'd like to get up", I said pushing his arm down.
"You don't have to Erin, just take a break, stay in bed, nobody is expect...".
"I have to face this eventually", I sighed, "plus I'm dying for a cigarette".
He reluctantly let me roll over him and out of the bunk. The other two were still asleep, snoring lightly in their bunks. I pulled back Jack's curtain and shook him gently, he frowned a little and then opened his eyes groggily, when he saw it was me his eyes shot open.
"What's up are you ok?", he asked trying to sit up.
"Everything's fine", I whispered, "I'm just going outside for some air".
"Ok", he said lying back.
"Jack?", I said.
"I love you".
"Love you too".
I stood up and dragged his curtain closed. Someone had put me into my pyjamas, ones I never wore. Embarrassingly childish shorts with sheep all over them with a pink tank top, the same shade as my hair. I caught my reflection as I put on my flip flops, I tied my hair up, it was tangled and dirty, I grabbed my sunglasses and cigarettes and stepped down from the bus. It was hot out and very dry, nothing like the weather we had seen the day before. Instinct wanted me to call over to Janey, but I couldn't. I wanted to hear her criticism, her harsh answers. Thinking about it only made me feel worse. I sat down on one of the deck chairs and lit up a cigarette, looking down at the ground as I smoked. I knew nobody would say anything to me, everyone would carry on as normal, or they'll all start talking in gentle tones. I hoped they would carry on as normal. I looked at my cigarette, I thought about the irony, I wanted fresh air so I inhaled nicotine and tar.
I looked up and saw Ryan standing in front of me.
"Hi", I said, my voice was hoarse.
He grabbed a chair and pulled it to him, he sat down opposite me. Our knees almost touching. I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head and frowned at him.
"I know you don't want the "are you ok" spiel", he said lighting his own cigarette, "but, are you ok?".
I rolled my eyes and continued smoking, I looked back at him, staring straight into his eyes. His beautiful eyes.
"No", I said.
I sat back when she said no. It was all she needed to say, and it was all she needed to hear herself say. I studied her as she smoked, still drained, even more sick looking. I knew she felt me looking at her because her white skin blushed a little. I saw the corner of her mouth twitch and a small smile spread across her face, I smiled back at her. A silent understanding, I was here for her, she knew it. She looked straight at me and my heart jumped as she leant forward.
"Everybody is full of bullshit here", she said, "Harry, Dave, Ben, Jess, Cal, Lee, Gar, Steve, everybody is full of bullshit. Jack thinks he can 'save me', Janey thinks she knows everything, she's never even fucked a guy. Adam thinks he can fuck Lauren around because it's ok, I'm his best friend. My manager pretends nothing is going on. Everybody here pretends that everything is fucking normal. Everybody is full of shit".
She spoke lightly, as if she was talking about the weather. I leaned towards her, a few inches between our faces.
"What about you and me?", I asked her, she smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Well, we're just fucked aren't we", she replied, "I know I have a problem, I know people care, but my brain says no one cares. I know I shouldn't drink, shouldn't do the drugs, I shouldn't fuck guys I don't have any actual genuine feelings for. But I want to right now. For some ridiculous reason. And you well".
She paused and tilted her head to the side examining my face. My heart fluttered and started beating fast, the same way it had when we hid from Jack that night.
"What about me?", I asked, my mouth felt dry suddenly.
"You're too nice", she smiled, then she stood up, "toughen up sweetheart".
"Toughen up?", I repeated looking up at her in her silly pyjamas.
"You'll end up heart broken", she said.
She walked away from me, flicking her cigarette butt on the ground. I watched her climb into the bus and I couldn't help but smile, sweetheart.
"Where are you going?", I laughed as I ran after John.