My heart beat rapidly against my chest as I realized I said the wrong thing. The look on his face tore me apart, maybe this was the first time I had said something honest. He obviously didn’t expect that from me.
“What do you regret? Me? Us?” His voice was no longer soothing or trusting.
‘Where do I even start?!’ my mind screamed, but the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. “I- I, don’t- yes, maybe, no. You know that I…love you. But you can’t pretend that you haven’t, um, taken something from me. I can’t talk about this…I’m hell with words, you know. God, Gavin, everyone wishes they might have done something differently. Nevermind. Let’s not talk about this. You don’t have much more time…” The lies just kept spilling from my mouth. Love? Who the hell knows what love is anyway?
“Taken something? From you? You’re the one who got us into this mess. How was I supposed to say no to you? You put out this persona that you’re so fragile, so weak, but impenetrable- you’re a fucking enigma, Delilah. I thought this was exactly what you wanted; I’m cheating on my wife for you. Maybe this is a mistake.” Suddenly I realized this conversation was his way out. He no longer wanted to be my reason. There’s only so far someone can carry someone else without getting tired.
Once that realization hit, he was no longer beautiful to me. Things that should have been said then were stuck in my throat, choking me until the air was gone from my lungs. ‘Yes, you’re doing this all for me. You fucked a 17-year-old student just to satisfy her. None of it was for you- how selfless. You’ve been fucking me for three years because I was too weak for you to leave me,’ thoughts raced through my mind, arguments that I would never win, even against myself.
The only words that passed through my lips were ones that I hated myself for, “I’m sorry.” A mere whisper that brought my confidence crashing to its knees, and it was my fault. I could have fought him, but who could fight a god?