Journey inner and outerMature

"Jay have you seen five footed spider?", Sheena broke the silence. Her voice was little trembling, it was difficult to find out that her voice was trembling because of Vodka or due to heavy pressure of emotions pouring out with her words.

"Means?", Jay looked towards her. He was surprised to see sudden mood change. But it was not new with Sheena. At one moment she was a squirrel jumping from one branch to another and in next moment she  became sloth. At one moment world was joyful and jubilant and after one moment so disappointing and sorrowful. But she never surrendered in front of frustration, she strive hard to come out of it and succeed.

"It is world's most deadly and horrifying spider", her eyes were still towards her glass, hence Jay could not see her face.

"But I never heard of it?", Jay replied placidly.

"Only some unfortunates see this spider... poisonous, deadly and ugly..", Sheena raised her eyes.

"....", Jay kept quiet. He knew Sheena is unwrapping herself and whenever she uncover herself many lacerated wounds, unhealed bruises came in front her eyes and she could not communicate in normal terms. Language became so incapable to express herself. He looked at her face, eyes were blank with dim shadow of sadness, lips trembling as if so many words are pressing them to come out.

"It comes when you are sleeping... you feel sting of it on your body, it has endless poison.. it continuously sting you.. on your knees, thighs, between your thighs, on your hips, stomach, waist, breast, shoulders... it never leave any part of your body... pain, abhor, shock, i cant explain it in words... blood flowing in your vessels becomes frozen due to fear, you start hating your own entity..", Sheena was not saying, words were just slipping out of her lips.... dark, bitter words which suddenly change the whole environment of the room and made it depressed.

"Leave it Sheena, come out of past", Jay uttered in controlled tone.

"No, I can't.... Can you believe your own father???? Real father who gave you birth can do this? Oh God, I feel it is not my body it is an putrefied corpse, it should be burnt", more and more hatred and sorrow was pouring out of her words.

"Sheena come on!! That was past.. leave it be in present and look forward to your future", Jay stated firmly.

"You can not imagine Jay, a girl of ten years, so innocent, so timid, who sees her father as an ultimate safety, her father, her own father, try to touch her, molest her and threat her if she open her mouth!!! Can you believe it can happen? Jay may be you can get rid of your memories but you can not get rid of your unhealed burns. They tortures you time to time"

"Ok...ok.... calm down...", Jay stood up and pressed her shoulders.

"Jay, why this happened to me again and again?"

"Sheena... Sheena.. hold on.."

"Ohkk.. ohhkkk.... I know I give you so much tension and trouble... but what to do..... you know if I am free I am like this.. that is why I try to keep myself as busy as possible."

"Sheena you have to learn to live in present, there is no other way"

"You are right... but may we are not made to live in present, either past haunt us or future allure us.. however both are fake.. May be this is called Maya...", she smiled with great effort. She has to force her lips to be in the shape of smile.


"Jay, tomorrow I will go with you to see Milind's father", she placed her empty glass on the table.

"Ok.. but you know the nature of Milind's mom??? She may insult you or don't know what she can do with you?"

"Let her yaar (friend in vulgar language)! She can only use words, it is nothing in comparison of what other did."

"A girl arose that had red mournful lips, And seemed the greatness of the world in tears... (Yeats poem)", Jay sang in opera style. Sheena stood up and wrap her one had around Jay's waist and other on his shoulder and started dancing.. she is a good dancer.. cha cha cha... salsa... hip hop.. jack of all trades and master of all... Jay's maxi started to wave as he tried to synchronize her foots with Sheena's.

- X - X - X - X –

Wide sheet made of golden white sun rays was spread outside the hospital. After irregular rain during night sun rays were so sharp but smell of rain was still in the atmosphere. Small pits on the clean black roads were still filled with water and reflection of poles and building was creating an illusion that they are very deep.

Jay opened the door and took his leg out. Today, he was wearing embroidered kurta with jeans but with his favourite make-up, meticulous use of eye liner, foundation, lipstick, compact. Sheena also came out from other side. Both moved towards the main gate of hospital. It was a peaceful environment there, peace is of many kind.... peace of mind, peace of hospital, peace of crematorium, peace of death!! And each type of peace has its own special colour and quality.

"Excuse me, I want to see Mr. Dev, room number 26, first floor", Jay reached the reception counter.

"Ohhhkk....", man on the counter first look at him with surprise and little shock then controlled himself, "You can.. he is in his room"

"Thank you", Jay walked towards the lift. Sheena was behind him, least make-up, slim but shapely body, her light cream shirt and dark grey denim jeans were giving her a enchanting look. Well set double coloured hair on spread on shoulders, D & G sunglasses and Espirit shoes, she was in enough to draw the attention of any guy. But because of Jay all eyes were towards Jay.

"Uncle kaise hai? (How is uncle)", Jay entered into the room. It was a middle sized room, with patient's bed, a table, one spare bed, on almirah, TV fixed on wall and attached bathroom. Smell of phenol was in the air.

"....", Meera tried to reply but no words come out. It is not easy to talk to a person whom we have not talked since long. Huge stones of ego hinder the way.

"Doctor se baat hui? (Have you talked to the doctor)", Jay asked again. He stood close to Mr. Dev's bed and his eyes were fixed on his face.

"Wo keh raha hai condition theek nahi hai", Meera replied. She felt relieved after replying. If you once cope up with the hindrance then everything is easy.

"Nameste Aunty", Sheena also entered into the room.

"Nameste Beta", Meera replied in her weak voice without seeing the face of speaker. But soon after replying she look at the face of Sheena and fraction of a second she felt thunderstorm in her mind.

"Sheena?????", only word come out of her stunned lips. So Sheena is still here???? Jay, Sheena, Bharti and Inder were closest with his son Milind. She never like Sheena too. In spite of being a girl she was most of the times with boys. She laughs shamelessly, she talk shamelessly, she wears shamelessly, she live shamelessly. Her very personality was not of a stereotyped girl. Meera considered her as a siren. And every time she saw his son with her she suffered acute anxiety and disturbing images of Sheena having sex with his son emerged in her mind. However at that time she could not even imagine that his son is behind Jay.

Her career graph was so upright, she got job before all her friends. And a prestigious job of Radio Jockey. New FM channel was launched in the city and she was in the first staff. Within few days her crisp voice with great sense of humour mixed with wittiness popularized her voice in most of the households. RJ Sheena in opening ceremony, RJ Sheena in cultural event, RJ Sheena as chief guest....

But then like an earth quack everything unearthed and devastated. Sheena's MMS with Inder broadcast-ed on Youtube. Whole city got a point to talk, to enjoy and to defame Sheena. Many Esteemed and Prestigious citizens did mental masturbation while watching video in the night and next day took part in press conferences and media seminars on 'Bad Impact of Western Culture Resulting in Such MMS Scams' and 'Establishment of Old Indian Values'. When Meera read in news paper she could not understand what term they are using for this activity. It took many days before she could dare to ask her husband what blow job is.

Meera was amazed for one thing, she was not feeling hatred and dislike for Sheena. Earlier when she heard all about this she warned her son not come even near Sheena, however she knew Milind never followed her. She could not tolerate even in imagination that her own son is near such a girl, it was nauseating for her.

But, today everything was opposite, after two years, Sheena was in front of her and she was not feeling any abomination. She has no idea what caused this change... innumerable blows of time, experience of futility of experience, realization of emptiness of relations or some other cause. She looked towards Sheena and asked, "Kaisi ho? (How are you?)"

"Mai theek hu aur aap? (I am ok and you?)", Sheena replied. She was quite surprised, she was expecting harsh and dry behaviour and Meera's voice was quite soft without any sign of harshness.

"Pata nahi kaisi hun? Bas ji rahi hun.. (I do not know how I am? Just living...)", she replied with a sigh.

"I am going to see the doc, you just wait here", Jay stated and walked out of room with firm steps.

"Ok..", Sheena replied without seeing towards him.

Meera sat on the chair near the bed. Sheena saw Mr. Dev's body has become almost like a skeleton. Thin layer of pale skin on the bones. Chest was moving up and down with every breath proving that he is alive otherwise there was no sign of life in her total entity. Needle  of drip was fix inside the tape on his wrist and a red spot of dried blood was quite visible on the tape. Sometimes his weak fingers were moving a bit. Beneath his bed pots for urinating and defecating were placed. Some dirty clothes were also threw there.

Sheena was not feeling good, slowly atmosphere of hospital was changing her mood. There was a strange smell.... smell of disease, death and depression... entering into her nose and slowly covering her entire mind as if a cloud of dense suffocating smoke is gradually covering a place. 

"Doctor is saying he will be able to say anything after four-five days. Lungs are not working properly, infection has spread. Digestion is also not ok, only through glucose body is getting nutrition. But no need to worry...", Jay entered into the room.

".....", a void smile was on her dry lips, "Mai ab worry ke daur se nikal chuki hun, main sabse bura jo ho sakta hai wo soch chuki hoo. Kai baar mughe lagta bura sirf door se hi dara sakta hai, jab wo ekdam nazdeek hota hai to admi sunn ho jata hai, use utna dard nahi hota. (I have passed the phase of worry, I have imagined the worst possible. It seems to me many times that bad can scare us only from far, if it is near we become sensation-less and could not feel the pain)", It was first time Meera was saying anything directly to Jay.

"Uncle will be ok..", Jay stated and then after a little pause said again, "Let us come outside. I will take prescription from the Doc and then purchase medicine.".

Both walked out and after passing a long corridor reached to doctor's cabin. Some people were sitting on the cushioned benches outside the doctor's cabin. As they reached there all eyes moved towards Jay and some started to whisper in the ears of others. But Jay was totally unaffected and calm. He was trying to learn great art of to be what you are rather than strive hard to be what you should be.

"You stay here I go and meet the doc" Jay said.

"Ok", Sheena replied and slowly sat on the corner of the bench besides an aged man. Jay entered into the cabin and Sheena started looking around her. Man sitting besides her was looking aged. In spite of dark coloured hair his age was peeping from his face. His pointed nose widened at the base. Below his eyes skin was little swollen giving his face a matured look. Complexion was neither fair nor dark but his sparkling white shirt and black pant and a thick golden chain in the neck was showing that may be hair are less on his scalp but money is in plenty in his pocket. But what was making his face peculiar were his eyes, constantly moving from one side to either. His eyes were so restless and his face was totally quiet, almost like an emotionless person. Sheena noticed his eyes moving everywhere but when they reach towards her they become static and for sometimes never move. Then again move for few seconds and then again got fix on her.

This strange behavior of his eyes made Sheena totally uneasy. When she noticed he is gazing at her she has to change her position. She moved a bit towards other side but still she is not feeling relaxed. She still felt his eyes on her back as if many pointed rods are piercing her entire back and waist.

"What is the problem with this son of bitch?", Sheena uttered so loudly but no word came out of her mouth, she was talking to her in loud words but nobody could hear. It was not new for her but in a hospital, with an aged person it was quite unexpected. She wanted to kick between his thighs but she never moved. Soon Jay came out of doctor's cabin with prescription in his hand and Sheena stood up.

"Come.. chemist is near the gate" Jay walked towards the lift.

"Ok", Sheena accompanied him.

The End

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