Um....... My own mother wanted to send me to counseling, and at the time I was pretty scared and wasn't sure if she was going to do it or not, and this was kind of my own therapeutic session that I didn't even have to go to :D
Him: So Stacey, do you know why you are here?
Him: Your mom found half a pot cookie in your bag. She smelled cigarette smoke and found a few bottles of Tylenol PM in your dresser, why is that?
Me: She’s a noisy bitch
I don’t get it
Him: Do you understand why your mother thinks you need counseling?
Me: Of course not
Him: Alright, that’s fine.
What the fuck?
I look on his walls to see if he has a BA at all. He does.
Him: Do you see your mother’s perspective at all?
Me: All I see is no cell phone, no iPod, and no lap top. No life.
Him: Why do you need all of those things to have a life?
Me: I don’t. My friends do.
Him: Why do you think she cares that you lent your cell phone to a friend?
Me: She’s superficial, stupid, ignorant and a bitch.
Him: So you don’t think it’s important?
Me: I’m sixteen.
Him: What do you think is important?
Him: Driving? Parties? Pot? Booze? Tattoos? Friends? Family? Grades? Perfection? Light? Dark?
Me: I don’t know… Secrets. Secrets are important.
Me: It’s important to keep a promise, to stay quiet.
Him: You aren’t quiet now.
Now I will be.
Him: Stacey, why did you take twelve sleeping pills?
Me: I wanted to sleep.
Him: Did you take them before or after the fight?
I know what he’s getting at.
I don’t answer.
Him: Okay (writes something down)
Me: (staring) Is that necessary?
Him: (looks up, amused, slightly confused, shifting in his seat) Do you think it is?
Me: Do you think you’re a judge?
Him: Why? Need a lawyer?
I don’t say anything.
The guilt is in my hands.
Him: Where are your friends?
Not with a shrink.
Him: They don’t back you up? They’re not going to go probono for you?
How old is this guy? What year does it say on his BA?
Him: So your friends don’t agree with your choices?
Me: They do. They just do it better.
Him: Stacey, why did you lend your phone to your friend?
Me: She needed it.
Him: Who is she?
Me: Sally, her parents haven’t let her use a computer or cell phone in a year, ever since last summer.
Him: It’s January
Me: You understand the crisis.
Him: Why do they restrict her to her things?
Me: She’s not a virgin anymore.
Him: Do you think that’s fair?
Me: Life isn’t fair.
Him: What do you think about life?
Me: It should end with the Tylenol PM.
Him: Hmmm… why is sleep so important to you?
Me: It’s an escape.
Him: And what is smoking?
Me: A release.
Him: Hmmm… (for the second time) What are your friends like, Stacey?
Me: (Thinking) Ayla isn’t ghetto in a ghetto neighborhood. Michaela has been my best friend since the dinosaur age. Kiersten is a popular prep who only cries and begs in front of me. Cameron and I used to date but now he’s with Michaela – who always takes the rebounds. Sally is a caged animal in a cathedral. Jesse is a white black man. Tyler Richard is in love with Sierra, and Sierra is in love with him. Sierra wears rings on all of her fingers. Dragons, snakes, and dragonflies. Tyler Lockland is an alcoholic at sixteen. Topher is just a… Topher. He’s a cute nerd. Chris is the charismatic and kind Christopher.
Him: And who are you?
Me: A little bit of all them.
Him: Are you all close?
Me: Of course.
Him: And you’re family? Are you guys as close?
Him: How is the family after the fight?
Him: Stacey… say something.
Me: Why? So it could just go back to them?
Him: No, I don’t tell your parents what you say; I just tell them how you act, in lameness terms.
Me: My father… he’s the living dead. He lives up to his name… he’s like Roderick Usher, only Roderick Danielson. Mom… well, she’s just… mom. She doesn’t listen, she only hears what she wants to hear, and that’s usually nothing. Neither of them understand anything. They just want the anger to boil and the rage to build. They want things to be smashed and thrown. Their only goal is to see me die.
Him: No it isn’t.
Me: They want me to stay… they want me to be their baby girl. I’m not. I can’t be some Sugarland song.
Him: What about your siblings? Do you have any?
Me: I have three step siblings, two from my mother’s first marriage with George. Julie became a lesbian and ran away to California to be a hippie with her wife, Alex. Now she’s in Australia. Her first son, Neil, is also gay, and he has an older boyfriend, in his thirties, who has three sons. Neither George nor Roderick believe that he’s man enough to help raise them.
Him: Do you think that matters?
Me: I think he cares… Neil is a good listener, a good friend, a little perverted and kinky, but a kind soul. He’s… Neil.
Him: How do you think that shaped your mother?
Me: I think she became a sociopath from hiding her homophobia for so long.
Neither of us say anything.
Him: What about your third step sibling?
Me: From dad’s first marriage, Tori, she’s cool, and I like her, she takes me to see R rated movies. She’s teaching me how to drive… she’s going to help me get a tattoo and a piercing once I’m eighteen. Only a year and a half to go, I just turned sixteen a few months ago…
Him: Counting down the days, huh?
Me: What did you used to do?
Him: The same thing, only I had a little brother who pressured it. I couldn’t leave him with my family, not the way they were.
Me: I have a little brother… Cody, he’s… weird. Eccentric.
Him: So was mine, (chuckling) I remember all the trouble Remy used to get himself into… (chuckling again, not telling me anything)
Me: Why couldn’t you leave him?
Him: My parents… weren’t the best of role models. They weren’t bad, they didn’t burn cigarettes onto our hands, they weren’t always drunk, even though one of the first things my father did when he got home was have a beer, they just… weren’t living life right. They were zombies, and barely ever acknowledged us, and that hurt Remy, he would… he would do anything for attention. Just anything.
Me: You wouldn’t?
Him: I was too busy fixing the messes.
Me: Why not let him learn?
Finally, he’s done.
But the clock still ticks as the seconds go by.