16 year old Reagen has three weeks until she finally kills herself. As the weeks trail by, she thinks back on how she got to where she is now and if anyone will be able to help her.
“Suicide Note: 10th Revision
Sorry Mom, and Dad. You know I love you.
I know that I have things to live for. My parents, my friends (HA), my family. Notice that these are all people, and none of them are me. I have to stop living for other people. You think suicide is selfish, what’s really selfish is people trying to guilt me into living through more years of misery for people who can, physically speaking, live without me.
Up until this point, my life has been in vain. I can think of no worse punishment than living a life completely ordinary. I’d get an average job, meet a regular boy (of course under society’s impression that all girls are needy and desperate to be loved), have a normal family, and die a usual death. I’m not going for ordinary, because no one cares about ordinary. People want unconventional lives, whether they be tragic or not. I’m shooting for a tragic, but extraordinary, death, since my life can’t meet these requirements.
I’d never be able to settle down. Boys are afraid of me, and until now, I’ve never quite understood why. Now I know what it is. Boys live their entire lives being given whatever they want and having everybody bend over backwards to suit their needs. As they grow older, they are taught that someday, a girl will fly into his arms with an unflinching submissiveness and eternal obedience and adoration towards him. Consider this: the boy meets a girl he likes, and he’s waiting for her to confess her undying love and compliance to him. He’s waiting, and it doesn’t happen. He’s figuring she’s just shy (I could complain about how we think anxiety and similar health disorders are just a cute and desirable quirk, but I won’t), so he continues to wait. He starts off with the expectancy and enthusiasm like that of a puppy waiting for the return of his owner who had left and never returned. Like the dog, his tail falls, and his jaw droops. His eyelids grow heavy, and his feet sore from standing. He then, tail tucked between his legs, gives in.
Do you want to know why? Because this girl doesn’t want or need any man’s approval. And to men, who are taught the complete opposite, it’s terrifying, and disappointing. Some men grow resentful and rape. Others get discouraged and give up. Either way, they won’t stay with that girl, because they need to be in a position of power, and this is just a plain scenario where that won’t happen.
Sorry, I know I’m going all over the place. My thoughts are gems that simply cannot be withheld by the demanding law of organization and structure. They cannot be classified, cannot be restrained by labels.