This is the place to tell your side of all those classic fairy tales. How did Cinderella really lose her glass slipper? Was Sleeping Beauty really sleeping? And why, oh why, is Prince Charming in all of them?
Pretty basic rules: Keep it mostly clean, don't use really vulgar language, that sort of thing. And most of all, open our eyes to the truth.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, blah blah blah, there was a castle. The castle was a cute little building with lots of moss hanging from it that made it look like it was right out of some dumb fairy tale. But the truth was, the castle was illegally dealing prescription sleeping pills to the inhabitants of the kingdom. One day a mysterious girl with dark hair and pale skin marched into the castle and demanded to speak to the queen. The queen, worried that her secret had been discovered, ordered her to scrub the floors of the castle and she would speak to her. While the girl with snow-white skin scrubbed the floors, the queen went into her secret lair where she kept all of her inventions. She went over to her mirror and inserted an artificial intelligence chip into the frame. Then she recited the secret password: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
“Me, of course,” replied the mirror. The queen, mentally kicking herself for giving the mirror such a big ego, asked, “What should I do about that meddlesome girl? She might know my secret, and prescription drug-dealing is such a good outlet.”
“Kill her, of course,” replied the blood-thirsty mirror.
“Hmm…” the queen mused. “A good idea, yes, but I don’t like to get my hands dirty. Aha! I know. I’ll get those dwarves to do it. They’re good customers.”
Meanwhile, Snow White had finished scrubbing the floors. But she no longer needed to talk to the queen. She had found what she was looking for.
As she saw the queen descending the steps, she ran back out the door and into the forest. After a while, she saw a little cottage and decided to stop there. The door was really low, like little people lived there. When she went in she saw mounds of dishes and decided these people must be real slobs. Then she went upstairs and found seven little beds. She lay down across them and popped a pill she had swiped from the castle. She was out in minutes.
The little people in question were actually seven dwarves. They worked in a mine, but never did anything except mess around. There was Flabby, Frumpy, Slappy, Tubby, Sleazy, Dopey, and Spock. They all regularly took sleeping pills, but Dopey had taken them a few times too many. They were all in a rather bad mood, and so when they came home to find some random girl sleeping on their beds, they weren’t too happy.
“Hey, you! What are you doing in our pad?” snapped Flabby, rubbing his rotund middle.
Snow White woke up at once. Making her voice a few octaves higher, she twittered, “Oh, my! You must let me stay here in your darling little house! You see, I only just escaped from the evil queen! She tried to kill me because I am more beautiful than she!”
The dwarves looked at each other and blinked. “Well…” said Spock.
“Oh, thank you!” Snow White squealed, jumping up to hug him. As she did, she reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a large diamond from the mines, which she quickly shoved into her own pocket. “I’ll be no trouble!”
The evil queen marched through the forest toward the little house, her cloak flapping about her ankles. In one hand she held a scepter; in the other an apple heavily dosed with the sleeping pills. She didn’t really need the scepter; it was only a prop. But it made her feel better.
Her plans had changed, as she had realized that the little brat had gotten to the dwarves before she had. Now her strategy was a bit less drastic: Knock her out with the sleeping pills, and then drag her into the forest where no one would find her. By the time the meddlesome girl came to, the queen would be long gone.
Snow White was enjoying her new life with the dwarves. She could order them around and boss them as much as she wanted, after she had slipped a little something into each of their drinks. They instantly became calm and relaxed, and would do whatever she asked. She was regretting not being able to stay longer, but when you were on the run, you had to keep moving.
Snow White had a long history of running from the law. She was a professional burglar and an expert at disguises. Some face powder, red lipstick, and a bit of pitch in the hair and voíla! Snow White. She’d been using that disguise for some years now, and had been thinking she needed another one soon. Maybe she could masquerade as a dwarf sometime.
But on her mind at the moment was the thing she’d obtained at the castle: The queen’s crown. Everyone knew it was her most prized possession, and she never left it out of her sight. But Snow White had practically stolen it off of her head! The woman had never noticed a thing.
Smiling a satisfied smile, Snow White leaned back in her little chair, thinking she would stay just one more day.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Glancing at the sedated dwarves, Snow White stood up and warily opened the door. Stooping over to see out of it, she saw the little old woman on the porch. Being a master of disguises herself, she realized at once that it was really the queen dressed up as an old hag. But she decided to play along.
“May I help you?” she asked in her high, fluty voice.
“Hello, darling,” the disguised queen replied in a low, creaky voice that was obviously fake. “Would you like some fruit? Maybe this apple?”
“Oh, of course,” squealed Snow White, taking the proffered apple. As she did, she slid a gold bracelet from the queen’s wrist.
The disguised queen didn’t notice. She watched eagerly as Snow White lifted the apple to her mouth and pretended to take a bite. Then she fell to the floor and the apple rolled out of her hand.
Cackling, the queen grabbed Snow White and dragged her out of the house, deep into the forest. Then she left, leaving Snow White alone in the dark forest.
Snow White, of course, was perfectly fine. She was only pretending to be in a deep sleep, so as soon as the queen left she picked herself up and ran back to the castle.
Police Chief Charming was the best man in the business. But there was always one of those darned criminals that just wouldn’t stay caught. That infernal burglar that went by the name Snow White always managed to slip out of his grasp. But this time, he would catch her! He had just received a tip that said she was in the forest outside of the castle, and had been harassing some dwarves. Charming wouldn’t let her get away this time.
But there was another reason that Charming wanted to put Snow White behind bars: a personal reason. A few years ago, Snow White had stolen Cinderella’s glass slipper and sold it at a pawn shop, where he had had to buy it back for twice as much as it was worth before he could give it back to Cinderella. He had vowed eternal war against Snow White for depleting his pocket money.
No, Snow White would not escape again.
When Charming arrived at the castle, he did not find Snow White. But he did find that the queen had quite a good business dealing prescription drugs to her subjects. He locked her up and questioned her about Snow White, but was surprised at the answer. The queen said, with much cackling, that Snow White was in an eternal slumber and would not awaken until her true love kissed her. Charming laughed and never bothered with Snow White again. For who could love a criminal?
Of course, Snow White was perfectly awake and back to stealing again. She raided the castle seven times before her retirement, after which she went back to the dwarves and kept busy ordering them around. But after a while Snow White got lonely. So she dressed up as a dwarf and called herself Rumpelstiltskin. But that’s another story…