This Squirrelly Advice

Naturally, none of this helps in the least, with the stakes so much higher and your fear so increased. Though at least you're not going straight down into Hell, you still have no chance with the girl so compelled to be lovers with he who was you once before, and no help from either the Devil or Lord.

All through the day, while your poor mind is racing, two bickering voices inside your head chasing ideas down the drain before you've had a chance to properly analyze every expanse of its possible outcomes and all repercussions; and they won't even let you in on their discussions.

"Just do it!" says Satan. "He won't, though," says God. "Too scared, he's a coward. Why all the facade? The cute broad'll be so disappointed with him."

"Can you shut up?" you plead. "My head's starting to swim."

"Then why don't you lie down and get some good sleep," says Satan's low voice, now mellow and deep. "Count all the sheep, and wake up in the morning..."

"But let me just give him one quick little warning," says God, interrupting. "Think of something to do, to get that girl falling in love with you, by tomorrow at midnight or I'm throwing in the towel. You have 24 hours, have you got that, Howell?"

"Fine, just, whatever," you sigh and collapse. Sleep will be quiet, and time will elapse. You lower your eyelids and begin to fade...

...when suddenly you're holding a cold lemonade. It's daylight, you stroll through a field of sunflowers. There's a rainbow in the sky from recent rain showers. Some birds in the distance are chirping quite merrily, and a butterfly lands on your nose momentarily. A fluffy brown squirrel scurries down from a tree, and says, "Hi there good friend, say, do you trust me?"

What a funny question, you muse, and reply, "Of course I do, why would I not, little guy? You're a cute fluffy trustworthy nutty brown squirrel." "Good point," he smiles, "so, about this girl..."


You wake the next morning, a whole new man, determined to execute your master plan. Satan and God are now oddly subdued, quietly watching to see what you do. It makes so much sense, thanks to that lovely dream. This whole thing is simpler than at first it had seemed. 

Get her out of the house and invite some hot chicks, get Bob really drunk and pull out your, well,

But you'll fix it so she returns sooner than planned, and catches Bob cheating. Then she'll understand that he's not the right one for her innocent beauty. He's just on the lookout for ladies with booty. And you will be there, to be strong and console her, while she cries and pours out her heart on your shoulder.

The End

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