This relief continues.
For a while.
Living in my self made hell isn't as difficult as I perceived it would be. Its becoming easy. No I can't let this become easy. This is my punishment. My own. Perfection doesn't just happen, it must be tamed to do what I want.
I snap for just a moment. Looks of surprise. My perfection isn't perfect enough. Reel myself back in. Apologize. The heat in my cheeks. The agony in my heart. Its overbearing. This is hurt beyond repair.
All alone I torment myself with the thoughts of guilt. But these thoughts are not my own. I haven't been able to think of myself in this way. Not yet. The cauldron is boiling over. I can't contain it. I pace around the room, eyes wild, looking for something to relieve my agony.
My own hand. My brightly painted nails.
I eye them ever so slightly. No. This pain I feel is enough. No it isn't. Nothing is ever enough. I need to try something new.
I draw up my sleeve and a swift motion of my painted nails and its over with. Relief. I breathe again. But no I was wrong to do that.
Imperfection. A perfect person would never have done that. I taste the tears that have been pouring down my face the entire time. I'm imperfect. I'm guilty. I do it again. Quicker this time, but deeper. I did something wrong, I must punish myself for doing it.
Relief once again, but only for a while.