My thoughts kept me awake most of the night. It seemed as if my mind was having a war with itself.
He has broken your heart. Why should you forgive him?
But, he loves me. Do I really want to be the heartbreaker here?
He completely ignored you for weeks and made you go through the whole Tyler Emick thing again.
That was for my protection. He still cares for me!
Fine, but once he breaks your heart again, the blame is on you.
When I finally passed out, it was nearly five in the morning. I woke up to my alarm clock, still feeling sleep deprived. Drowsily, I threw my hand on the snooze button, knocking over the entire device. All too soon, it went off again, and I forced myself to my feet. Once I was ready for the day, I got a text from Dan.
Is it ok if I come over?
Alright. What will I say? Just as I had made my decision, Dan’s car pulled in. I took a deep breath, and walked up to him, but immediately felt guilty as I saw the hope flashing through his eyes.
I hate it when people make assumptions. Especially in situations like these. He tried to embrace me, but I backed away, pressing my hands against his chest to stop him. I almost couldn’t stand the hurt reflecting in his eyes. I could see that he wanted to say something, but he held back for some reason.
"Dan, I'm just not ready. After all I've been through, it'll be tough letting someone in again. I'm sorry , it's just..."
"No, no. I understand. It hurts me more to see you this way than being me being denied. I want you to be happy, and as long as you promise me that, I'll be happy, too." Dan stopped, looking at me through blue-gray eyes. It took all I had to resist the draw that seemed to be pulling me towards his loving arms.
Sighing, I replied. "I can't promise anything. But I'll do all I can to try and be happy."
He nodded slowly, contemplating my answer. "As long as you don't go into a depression stage and go all suicide on me." He smiled, causing me to realize that I had missed his humor most of all.
I laughed nervously, unsure of what to do. "Well, I have to go now, and I guess you better leave as well..." I ended awkwardly, glancing at his reaction.
He seemed to understand, but couldn't defeat the hurt look in his eyes. Just as I was about to walk back into my house, guilt had clawed at me enough. I couldn't stand it.
He looked up, a bit surprised. "Yes?"
I blinked, for I haven't played out how this would all go down. "Umm.. Staying apart like this.. I don't think that would be right. How about... Friends. We can just be friends, okay?"
Seeing the excitement in his eyes, I was unsure whether he would take us being "friends" as us being just friends or slightly more than that.
I couldn't resist laughing. "Don't get too excited, Dan."
"Oh, yeah. Right." He said, but it didn't subdue the joy in his expression.
"Bye." I waved my hand in an accidentally flirty way, and upon realizing this, I blushed so hard I must have looked like a tomato.
He smiled, not noticing my red face. "Bye."
I was glad to be back in the safety of my home, for I always felt secure here, especially in my room or typing in the office.
The relief of seeing Dan again hit me as soon as I relaxed into the comfortable curve of my computer chair. He was really here, and he really wanted something to do with me; it felt great.
But just being friends would be a completely different situation. I didn't know how to treat a guy as just a friend, especially a guy such as Dan. I mean, I've kissed him before! We've had moments that used to define our close relationship, and now we're supposed to be just friends?