I began to wonder last night, as I always do, about how I feel about a certain someone. See, I asked him out and he said no; which very stupidly surprised me, not because I'm bigheaded, but because all my friends were pumping me up, telling me to go for it and that it was obvious he'd say yes. I met him four years ago.
So I started thinking about how much I would give for him just to be happy. My arm, my leg, my soul, take it, have them. Then, in a fit of selfishness, I started thinking about how much I would give to have him happy with me. To put it bluntly, it turns out I would be willing to give more than I thought even existed in the world. But, hey ho, life goes on.
If he actually realised how much I would give him, how much I loved him, would he ever have said no?
The first time he came to stay overnight as my brothers friend, I stared at him for three hours because they were both so absorbed in a PS2 game (yes, just that long ago) that neither of them noticed. If he knew how stunning he really was without even trying then he'd realise why every time I see his name or him picture, my heart literally skips a beat. And the fact that I forget how to walk and fall over every time I see him.
Maybe if he knew all the stories and poems and goodness knows what else I have written about him then he'd realise just how much he is on my mind. Perhaps my childish scrawls would show him the difference between how I write his name, and someone elses; the care.
If only he knew that if he cried I would hold him for as long as he needed me to, longer even. It would never be too early in the morning, I'm up at three in case someone's texted me for help anyway. No matter where I was, if he needed me I would be there as soon as i could, I'd run if I had to. I've done it before.
If only he knew that if he was scared I would get rid of whatever it was that was scaring him. Would I kill to protect him? As much as it scares me, I think I probably could. Maybe. If he was home alone and heard a noise, I'd be there instantly. Me, not him. Never him.
If only he knew what I was willing to do to keep him alive. I'd jump from a plane, I'd stand in front of him if a gun was aimed at him chest; I'd jump in freezing water to stop him drowning. I'd switch places with him if it was a matter of debt with God. One to die, two to survive, I'd be the one to die.
If only he knew how much he didn't need to be so shy. If I could show him that he's just so amazing compared to my obvious inadequacy. I can recognise his profile from across a field with my glasses off, and my eyes are hopeless with them on. Does that show how often I think about him? If only I could help him, perhaps that's all I want, to see that he's gorgeous, his company keeps a permenant smile on my face and that people don't judge him like he thinks they do.
If he asked me to run away with him, I'd go, just to make sure he was safe. If the world was suddenly in danger of being invaded and soldiers were swarming through where we live, I'd find him.
If only he realised that I, with my lack of memory, rememebred every word he's ever said to me. Then it would show how much he means to me. The skateboard he had but never learnt to ride and whatever else is stored in there.
If only he realised how safe he made me feel when we were on the ferris wheel together and another friend was rocking it; I held onto his jumper half to hold him in place, half to give me some peace of mind that he knew I was there. If only he realised how much he lifted me up and how much he made me feel I could accomplish. I mean, we went jogging in a thunderstorm for crying out loud, just to see each other. And you know what? I'd do it again. Right now.
If only he realised that if it were to end it would not be awkward, never that. I love him enough to just be happy that he's happy, at least we'd know that we tried. Whatever he wanted, he would get it. If he wanted it to carry on like it was before, I'd just go back to loving him in secret and we'd just be friends.
If only he knew how much it hurt to have him ignore me on facebook or never text me back. Perhaps if he knew the panic that I was annoying him or something was wrong then he'd realise just how important him being alright was to me.
If only he knew how much I would give him. I'd encourage him, support him, I'd bring him up when he was down, I'd stay awake all night with him when he was sick and when he worried about something I'd retell a tale he'd probably long forgotten and we'd remember that we started out with nothing, it can only get better. I'd cook his favourite food and wash up so he could relax, I'd make sure he was warm throughout the evening and safe when he was asleep. I'd wake up a few times just to make sure he was sleeping.
If only he knew the pain to know that this love most likely won't last then he'd know why I tried. We don't have a lot of time left. And though I love everyone and everything, I've never loved like I loved him. Maybe I'd even be good for him.
If only he knew that he could take anything from me and I would begrudge him nothing.
And that was for the one I love.