My memories are the last things holding me down right now, after all thats happening to everyone around me, to, it feels like there is nothing left. My friends. I wonder what they remember? About me, about us.
I remember so many things now, but they are fading. And fading fast. And that scares me, more than anything else. What if I do forget them? I wouldn't be me. I'd look like a human but I wouldn't be a human. Darkness. That's all I see if my memories were to go. And pain, there would always be the pain.
I am falling. She tells me. I accept it. Later I think. Consequences. Fear. Why me? Not now. Regret. No one can know. Danger.
I am alone. A place only I know of surrounds me, the trees my canopy of green light and the trees my body guards. Nothing could hurt me there. The little stream rushes past. I never worked out where it went.
My fingers fly over the keys. I am playing the keyboard, well technically I am just jabbing at keys, but my notes make sense. I sing. No one can hear me. I could be playing in front of millions, but that would have been the wrong song. Too dark. Too personal. Too out of tune.
I found out she was dead. Heart stops, breath sinks, mind numbs until I feel less human than I had ever felt. My friend. Gone.
Her funeral, the circular ring of red flowers on the coffin too small as it went down the aisle. Criminal. Cold. Echoes. I feel out of place. I'm too small, too young to understand. But I understood.
She rings me. She is scared. I help. I lie. I pay that price.
I am crying. Another friend could die. Pain. Utter pain. Nothing like it ever before. My ribs on fire and heart a thousand miles away. Eyes red and shirt soaked.
I am surrounded. My friends were beside me. We all laugh. Before school, teachers tabooed for now. Peace. Serenity. Completion. We sing, even though we can't. Happiness. Never to be forgotten.
I fall. Knee ripped one way, my body the other. Solid floor. Solid wall. Aching head. Then nothing. I think I am still standing, just disorientated. Wrong. I am sideways on the floor, having fallen in the recovery position as I always do. Friends, team mates and teacher are around me. Tears spring. My knee stabs. No walking for me tomorrow, I know it. I won't cry. Must be strong. Carry on playing. Teacher knows it hurts. Stubborn. Cannot walk the next day.
I don't know what to do. Friend. Knife. Bandages. Fear. I've never been here before. Horror. The impossibility of her death. Ouch. I pray. I cry. She doesn't. Strength. Trust. Hope. And again. And again. Immune.
I am running. But not for a reason. I want to get away. Run. Freedom. Hide. Won't work. Run anyway. Lost now. Crying. It's dark soon. I should go back. But it hurts. It all hurts. Nothing's the same. She texts me. Offers help. I cry more. Everything is better. I just needed to run.
Still I see watch the sunrise every morning. I smile. More goes into that smile than you know, well, now you do. Maybe you should. Yes. Love beats in my heart, trust blinks in my eyes and happiness my air.
Sometimes, I just need to run.