Dying Thoughts

I thought I was going to die yesterday. I cannot tell you why, because, in truth, I do not even know myself. Because I was not standing on a railway track or in the path of an oncoming car. No. It was just a feeling; as suffocating and as unmistakable as if I was staring death in the face.

Fear ripped through me for a second, but that was quickly gone; whether due to rationalness or thinking that I must have it wrong. The reasons mean nothing, the fear did. it triggered so many thoughts that it is hard to place them all here, so bare with me if I start off on a tangent. 

I thought about what I would be leaving behind if I were to die. No one would remember me for changing the world, because I haven't got round to that yet. No one would remember me for leading peace marches or hunger strikes. No one would remember me for standing up for women's rights or prisoner's education. What would people remember me for?

But I cannot start on my legacy. For the simple reason that I do not know what people think of me now. What do my friends remember me for? What will my family never forget? What did that random builder I started talking with last year think about our meaningless conversation? Does he still remember it like I do? Why would they remember me?

But what do I want people to remember me for? I think I should start small; no use setting goals you can't reach at the moment, unless they're life-long goals. Small? Not quite the whole world yet, maybe in a few years, but not yet, not now. My friends. I want them to have good things to remember about me. Whenever they were ill I would pray to take their pain away (it often worked and I would get ill while they returned to school), I would walk with them places so they didn't have to go on their own. I walked my friend home down a dark alley so I went back on my own so she didn't have to. Those are the things I want them to remember. Simply because I was not trying to please them or leave my mark; I was just doing it because I loved them. 

They do not know I love them.

They will do soon. I'll start small. 

I lied once, a terrible lie both designed to tell the truth whilst shielding someone so everyone know how I felt, but also to make myself seem bigger. That is one of my two only regrets. And if I'm only 15, what would older people need to get off their chests? I urge you to do it now, otherwise the time will come when it is too late. And you will have no power over it. Now my lie is coming true and I have never been so utterly terrified in my life and I want to take back the clock. But it was my friend's face when I told her. The look of trust disappeared in her eyes for a moment and yet she still knew I was telling her the truth now. That's the best thing about her, she knows I can never hurt her; I would rather get hurt myself than hurt her.

So I'm paying the price now. I am the one getting hurt. And yet she still stays by me. Gosh I love her. 

It never occurred to me what I would miss, because I was not done with being a kid yet. Besides, I was too busy thinking to realise how much I would miss. But, then again, I could not watch my friends die first. That would be so much more worse than my own death. 

Strangely, I wanted to laugh.

It was so weird to know I was dying.

It also crippled me because if those who tried to commit suicide and slice their wrists knew what I knew, than maybe they'd stop, put down their knives and laugh.

Because that's the bets bit of life.

Laughing with the people you love at anything just because you can and just because you are together. For me, everything bad goes away as soon as I see my friends because they love me and I love them and we are ourselves around each other. 

i don't think we should hobble through life laughing because everyone else is and shielding themselves behind six or seven different masks. No. No one should be ashamed of themselves because, when you think you are going to die, you kick yourself for every time you do that. And trust me, you remember every single one. 

I was close to tears when the time came for me to face the music, or so it is called. I wasn't scared, I was just angry that I hadn't said goodbye to my friends, I hadn't clued them in just in case I was wrong. So I was wrong, I didn't die. But they deserved to know.  Of course they would have known how I felt, I have their letters written and ready, but if I could tell them just one thing, it would be that I loved them, and that I never wanted any of them to change.

So work out what you want to leave behind

Because life is not a tape recorder

There is no pause or rewind. 


The End

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