There are so many things now that I wish I could say to people I know and love, and I am only fifteen. So many wasted conversations, so many wasted opportunities; so many precious wasted seconds. If only I had realised sooner, if only I had said all those things. For what is unsaid will always remain unsaid.
I want to say so many things, so many thanks I must convey, so many hugs I must give out. But I am too chicken to say it to their faces.
I am sorry, all of my friends, if when you needed me to be strong I cried. I am sorry if I have ever caused you pain or if you have cried at my own fault. If I have ever lied to you, forgive me for I am sorry. Never have I ever strived to make you feel pain or to upset you. Feel free to hurt be back, because sometimes I do deserve it, even when I never meant to.
But thank you friends for listening to me when I needed you to listen. Thank you for lending me your shoulders to cry on which have not been few and far between as I got older. When I was younger you played with me and made me feel included, even when other shunned me. You were there when I needed you.
We have laughed together, cried together and shared out lives together.
So thank you dear friends for sharing with me, because it's not just the basic reception teachings of 'share that toy' and 'play nicely'. It is, was and always will be, much deeper and something that will last forever in me.
When I was down, I would picture your faces and I would smile and carry on with life. So thank you for living, because without you I would not be.
I know I have a different view on the world than all of you, but you never let that affect you. Thank you for accepting me for who I am.
I haven't always agreed with all of your choices, and I do not doubt you have felt the same way about some of mine. But you are still the best things I have going for me.
If only I could have saved a few more of you though.
If I had been quicker, maybe you'd still be my friend and not involved with drugs and thugs. Maybe if I had been more open with you, you could have talked it out with me and they wouldn't have been your last resort. I've had a friend die before, and I cannot let you go the same way. So now, my friends, you know why I am over protective and even at times clingy.
Why do I always have to get so attached to you because I only hurt you and myself more. But I bare the pain. None of you know how much, but there is a lot there that you must realise you know nothing about. Well, there is one; but even they do not know how I feel, how scared I am. I cannot put misery on them, I can't do it.
I just want to protect everyone, is that so hard to understand? Every time I reach out you push away, or think that is my stupid piety and try to hide form me. oh, I see it in your eyes. Maybe you don't, but just let me help.
Thank you for trusting me with secrets I hold dear. When you trust me, my heart glows because I know I have made a difference; for you feel the same for me I feel for you. Mum says I am too trusting, too loyal, too blind. Some of you have rung me up when you needed me the most because you knew I would help you. And I am glad you did. Not because of self pride or bigheadedness, but I want to be there for, to help you however I can, because that's just who I am.
But when you keep me in the dark and think I will react badly to what you have to say; that hurts more than you can ever possibly imagine. I never want to make you feel uncomfortable around me or like you have to hide something from me. I would never deceive you, I would always try and do the right thing and forget any prejudices that would prosecute you. Always I would help you and I would always stand by your side because I cannot leave you.
Forgive me for trying to help when I was not wanted, I just want you all to be happy. Forgive me for not helping when you wanted me; for my conscience is guilty of that too. You blame me and you accuse me of not helping you, I will not say your name, but I am sorry, you cannot know how sorry I am. I had you in tears on the phone and I had no idea what to say to you. But if I had known what to do, do you think I would have left you to the fate you are now in? Do you think so little of me? I am so sorry. I don't think you can ever forgive me the unforgivable act you have accused me of. But I never meant for any of this to happen. You have no idea how much I wish to turn back the clock.
My heart is tight, like the only way to relieve it is to hug every stranger on the planet until I am so full of love that I burst. No matter how much I try to clear my conscience, it keeps creeping back up on me.
So once again I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I am thankful you entwined your life with mine. If I ever gave you bad advice, forgive me. But please do not shun me, for that would always hurt.
For my friends, I must say:
Thank you all for making my life shine so bright,
I humbly say I love you, and goodnight.