still.....

                                                                                    

Saturday, 3/17/2008 at 7:48 am

I went to see my friend  susan. We talked and she is very wise. She is like my shrink. you could use one.I got the revelations. I have the answers and I hold the world in my hand. I hold your heart in my hands and you are not ready for that . You are a reflection of me.We need to work on ourselves before we can work on each other. Im thinking why doesnt it want to work? What the heck.!. I told you i am a collector of lost souls. It is what i do. i am a server . i am the mother, the caretaker, the one who gives and AS ARE YOU. Reflection is the key to understanding. self reflection. you are also a server. a giver. a fixer of souls with your ready smile and you are always there to help when a friend needs you. I am realizing that that is the exact problem. All your girlfriends before, all my boyfriends have been people that we needed to fix. It was always a challenge, something that neede to be worked on. It was never easy.It cant be with us. When we meet someone who is perfect, we need to find some flaw, some reason , some excuse for why it cant work. We cant be with someone who has nothing to fix. that would be against our nature. It is who we are. I think we both need to reflect on that and maybe one day both of us will be able to be with someone just because they are good for us and not because they are not. we have had serious confusion in the past.You have a lot to work on yourself before you can be in a relationship. Ypou are like me, too. we are both so afraid that something will happen down the road that will lead to our breakup, that instead of trying to figure out how to have a normal relationship we create conflict in order to not be hurt down the road. We are two lost souls who have foud each other and now we dont know what to do. How do you fix something that is not broken^>? how do you have a relationship with someone who has no faults? we create our own. thats how. Everything works, so lets make up a reason for it not to. Trust me i am right about this. I am not saying I want to be with you now, I am saying i dont. You need to reflect on why you have this trouble with me. There is no reason for it. You are attracted to me physically, you are attracted to me emotionally. You are so overwhelmed to be with someone who will love you thouroughly and complety that you cant handle it. you have to find some flaw, some excuse not to love me because you feel you are not worthy of having that kind of love in your life. someone who accepts everything about you and wont try to change you. You have never had a real relationship before. i mean you have, but they never lasted, why? I need to figure that out for myself, too. Why do i keep falling for people who are messed up? when am i going to learn that it is ok for someone to love me. And it is ok to be open and honest.You need to do some serious soul searching before you are readty to be loved the way love was meant to be. you need to ask yourself why you create conflict where there is none? you need to ask yourself why you cannot love someone just because they simply and purely like you for you. with all your garbage and baggage and conflicts and alchohol and you are burned out. It is not the time to be intimate with anyone. I dont just mean me. I am sure you can have sex with any number of women, but you have trouble with real intimacy. As soon as there is real intimacy, you run. you make up excuses. you go online to meet other women, you freak out . not even aware of it yourself. I see it. i feel it. you are so afraid of love. i mean real love. think about it. I am right. ai told you our souls are connected. you touched the goddess and we are one. you will never leave my soul. i will never leave yours. it is too late for that. Dont get me wrong, i am not trying to get you back . It wont work now. WE both need to work on ourselves before we can have a relationship with each other. If we do. I think we have a few miles to go on our seperate paths before wecan meet up again. you really need to ask yourself why you have trouble being physical with a woman who is perfect for you. There is something wrong when you meet someone and you are still online trying to meet someone else. remeber what i said about always looking, never finding?we seek what we need .we need what we seek. it is not always the same. Your soul is wise. It knows i cant handle love with you right now. it knows the truth of who i am. wher ei need to be and that you cannot be my savoiur. not this time. not again. i need to save myself this time.you need to save yourself. only then can we save each other How can our souls know things that we do not? how can our deepness understand the things that are only fleeting glimpses in our concious mind? Why do we keep finding each other when it not the time? whydo we always find excuses to be without each other? when will be stop punishing ourselves and accept that love can be good and simple and it doesnt have to involveangst and conflict? when you can learn to relax and accept love then maybe it will happen. Do your soul searching. think. ask questions, find out why? it doesnt make sense and so there must be a reason. what are you afraid of? you are afraid, i am too. I KNOW THAT I AM AFRAID TO LOVE BECAUSE I AM SCARE IT WONT WORK AND I WILL GET HURT, SO I FREEZE UP. NOT NECCESSARILY PHYSICALLY, ALTHOUGH THAT TOO. wE KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR OURSELVES EVEN IF WE DONT WANT TO ADMIT IT. WE BOTH KNOW THAT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE IN LOVE. yOU HAVE LEFT A JOB WHERE YOU WORKED FOR 15 YEARS. YOU ARE HIDING IT WELL, BUT I KNOW YOU ARE CONCERNED, IT SHOWS PHYSICALLY. YOU ARE UNDER A SERIOUS AMOUNT OF STRESS AND OF COURSE YOU CANT GET HARD! YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THINGS AND FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR YOUR FUTURE. iT IS ALL UP IN THE AIR.Maybe you have enough money to get you by forever, but maybe you dont.. I dont think you should neccessarily think of it as a reflection on me, but as your bodys way of dealing with the stess. you have not been out of a job in 20 years!You say you are happy about it and you are dealing, but we both can see that you are not. I am not taking your problem personally. you shouldnt take your problem as a reflection of us. It is a reflection of you. When you get your  life together, when you know how you will keep paying for your house, when you know you will have a job tomorrow , then i am sure you will work again.I hope you dont think it is me. I just realised that. it is not. It is you. it is nor=t us. it is you. I dont think anyone woiuld be able to get hard with the stress that your subconciuos is dealing with. ever hear of viagra? you need to work on yourself a bit, love. Get off line, forget about women and fix Max. And dont worry, i am not going anywhere. I never do. If you want to believe it is something about us, then i cant stop you. i know different. Maybe you should talk to someone. A girl see what they think. i bet they will tell you what i already know. WE really like each other, we both want it to work,so this problem has nothing to do with us. I will not take it personally. when you are ready, iwill be here. Not waiting, but here. work on you and i will work on me and maybe together we can figure out the way to fix the world, one good thought at a time.

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