Every 2000 years, a special year long event occurs in which every God or Goddess from every mythology comes to check on the world. A janitor, Don Gideon is tasked with trying to stop the war that might destroy the planet due to his stupidity
For Donald Gideon, January could not come soon enough. He was lonely and a penniless slob. Due to this fact, he had a truck that just wouldn’t start, and which countless repairs needed to be done for it to even pass inspection. His girlfriend, after seeing the wreck of the thing he called a car, left him, stating “I’m always sitting on your crushed soda cans.” He always tried to clean up though. Her loss.
Various books were piled on the backseat along with the various cans his now ex-girlfriend Freya had sat her lovely ass on in the past. This pile was about two hundred and seventy five copies of “Sex and Chocolate at the Cross”, his attempt at writing a Christian erotic thriller with a black woman protagonist that he tried selling to passersby with no success. It was his fifty fifth novel and it was rejected a grand total of one hundred and seventy two times.
Of those fifty five novels, all of which he sprawled like a madman over the course of ten years, none of them had been published but Don never told a soul. He was convinced he would find success publishing on Amazon.com, but his readers complained of sexism, racism and other various awful things with an ism in them that Don had to look up in a dictionary, Webster’s Abridged Dictionary to be exact, which lay strewn on the headrest of the passenger seat. Don had a thing for words, but he owned the abridged version because he didn’t like being wordy. A common pattern of his novels however; they contained the word erotic in almost every sentence such as “The man looked erotically at his pen.” This did not prevent him from going to the local karaoke night and trying to pick up “babes” by saying “I’m an accomplished author who has written fifty five books!” He had written them after all. That made him accomplished, right?
An oil jug greeted the feet of the rarely seen passenger, and Don in good fun stated “It’s a footrest!” Often this joke was met on deaf ears, or a scarce but audible chuckle was forced out of the throat of the unlucky, and often fortunate to be alive, passenger. Donald loved the ability he had to communicate. Of course, it was always the same conversation.
“Isn’t the ending to the Star Wars expanded universe awful! I mean, Jacen Solo kills Mara Jade Skywalker! Han Solo’s son KILLS Luke’s wife!” The passenger often did not care for this question. The unfortunate soul that had no other choice, right now, a man in his sixties was too worried about dying to care about some fictional character dying when he himself could!
The old man lifted a finger. “Look at the damn road! You’re going to fucking kill me!”
“Don’t worry about that! I know what I’m doing.” The honking of a taxicabs horn said otherwise.
“If I get out of this car alive, I swear I will kill you!” The look in the old man’s green eyes glared death. Don did not notice this at all, he was too busy looking at the old man and then the road, and back to the old man. A second car nearly crashed into the passenger side but barely missed the car by half an inch, as Don sped away.
I need to get to that meeting, damn it! They’re expecting me! Bastard who picked me up was the only way to get there!
Donald, on the other hand was thinking of seeing his pet turkey Dilbert, named so because his last pet turkey, Hubert died. I need to see Dilby! Damn fox killed his brother Huby! I wonder how my dog, Sherlock, is doing! NARF! He says NARF a lot and it’s funny! NARF! Certainly my dear Dilby we shall see Donald today! Cheerio! Does my dog have an English accent? That’d be kickass!
A third car nearly rear ended the truck Don was driving as he pulled in. The old man burst open the car door, and rolled out. “Boy! I am going to kill you starting next year!”
Don laughed “Okay! Sure! Bye now.” Of course the old man couldn’t do anything. He probably wouldn’t live through next year as it was. Just the same, it was New Years, and he did decide to be nice. He was a steadfast Christian and saw it as his Christian duty to do so. After all the man did say he needed a quick ride to Thompson Park, to visit old friends and neighbors.
Little did he know how much that car ride meant to his passenger, and what was about to occur in Thompson Park that night.