Once in one’s lifetime, you must be told that you are doing wrong. Of course, to make it as bluntly as I can; it sucks. Often times you’re in denial and refuse to believe that someone like you could have harmed even a fly’s baby. In other situations, you are fully aware, and the conversation about it does nothing but confirm your suspicions; you’re a creep. A weirdo to those that you thought, those that acted to be; your friend. It’s worse when they don’t have the guts to say it to your face, and instead take shelter behind the protection of a selected individual that is meant to strong-arm the mentioned creep.
So that’s what happened today. It was an innocent text message from a friend asking if I could go over to his house to talk, something about life. Immediately, I knew it was going to go downhill from there. Apparently, I was creeping my friends out by acting in odd mannerisms which, oddly enough, I had been doing since they met me. Where’s the logic in that? It was a tirade of insults all under the pretense that they wanted to keep me as a friend, but just ‘wanted me to change’.
How can someone act so casually about trashing your personality just for a few select entities that obviously would be better out without you, and vice-versa? Well, my answer was the truth, the absolute truth. I don’t think being weird and generally crazy fits into every soul, into every life. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to change myself. After all that time, however, I have given up. I have found people that I thought accepted me for who I am, but actually were spitting fire behind my back.
This is who I am, and I refuse to change. They like to sound like they care, but I want the bullshit to stop. All it would have taken was the simple phrase, ‘I hate you’. Instead, this scenario played out. I nailed my audition, earning a very large lead part in the winter play at my high school. Suddenly, this moment is crushed, my happy mood with it, as I was angered beyond all reckoning at this sudden barrage of faults my past friends claimed to have discovered. If they disliked me so much, you would’ve thought this would have appeared earlier, hmm? No. And if there was one moment where I was a creep, it was when they ignored me for no reason as soon as the school year began.
Well let me say this; what did you expect me to say? What did you expect me to do? Oh, hold the phone, let me go and act perfect just for that camera your eyes conceal. I thought I could be nice to you, and everyone else in your company, but this is just enough. You were posers, and if you really want me as a friend, fine, just accept me as who I am. Otherwise, stay out of my life. I already deleted you from my phone contacts, and if I see you, I won’t even offer a glance. If I had Facebook, I’d be in a deeper hole with all of the other people that got messed up in a social life.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see someone perfect, no, not by a longshot. What I do see is myself, and who I have become, and that I have succeeded as this person. We only get one life to live, so you better like yours. Is it the greatest life one can achieve? Nope. But is it good enough to keep? Of course. If that means having to cut some corners for the greater good, fine by me, especially if those corners are jagged and razor sharp.
I appreciate the talk, but next time you come and face me. I mean… if you’re going to fuck me over, might as well say it right to me, huh? I’ll wait and see just how much you care, and then we can go from there. For some reason, I have a feeling I will never see your bitching attitude again.
No. I will not change. Not for you, and not for anybody.