I could watch this skyline forever. A million, broken pieces of forever whisp over the distressed buildings; the weak sun rising colours them black. Thousands of fireflies lick the scene, tease into something magical. Very beautiful.
It's a very white room. I don't like it. The white is so open, so suffocating. Why am I here? Where is everyone? I've never seen such a white room. I don't know where I am. What's my name? Cera? I thought it was Cera. Is that right? Part of me thinks it might be Ash, or Ashley. I don't like that name. Cera is much better.
A hand lands on my waist. I caught his scent from a way off. I shove my elbow back into his side, then let my arm spring back and punch him in the face. I twist, kick him in the nuts, then punch him again round the face. I pull a knife out of my boot and the tarmac is a dark grey. Has it been raining? The guy is yelling abuse at me, arms outstretched. I lunge, hitting his grey jumper. The knife's in. I stab him again and again. I want to make sure he's gone. He disgusts me.
"Ashley?" I look up at a woman with red hair. Is she a threat? I don't know.
"It's Cera. I think."
"I see. Cera." She takes a seat without asking. She's obviously confident. Are there other people around? I can't see them. Everything's too white.
"Cera. How are you feeling?"
"It's too white. I don't like it. Can we go somewhere less white?" My voice is cracking. No, this is pathetic. I will not let my voice crack. I will not.
"I'm afraid not. Hospitals tend to be very white." She looks at me. She has a white coat. It's not blinding like the room. But I don't like it.
Her hair is wavy. It's like a waterfall, but it's got all messed up at the bottom.
"Do you know why you're here?"
It's dark in my flat. I like it. Very warm mauves and greys, very plush cushions. Hannah runs up to me and flings her arms around me.
"Hi, sweetie. I missed you." I carry her in my arms, kissing her neck. She's crying. I've been away too long again. "I'm sorry." I whisper.
She has such pretty hair. It's so dark, and so curly. I slowly lift off her nightie. It's a nice rose colour. It feels so good against my skin, and so does she. Soft kisses I lay all over her. She deserves them. I hear her whisper.
"No." I say. I don't know why I'm here. And I don't know why it's so bright.
"You jumped off a building, Cera."
"Did I?" I ask. I don't remember jumping off a building. Only to land on another. I remember doing that once. I was chasing someone.
"You don't remember it. That's okay. We'll talk about it later, and maybe you'll remember something. Right now I want to talk about the girl."
"Oh." I smile. I love her. "I love her. I could talk about her for days."
"Why do you love her?"
"She's strong. She's smart. She's funny. And she's beautiful. More beautiful than anyone I've seen."
"And does she love you?"
"Of course she does. Why wouldn't she?" She does. Of course she does. Even in the state I'm in, so confused, she does. She must. She must.
"She does, doesn't she?" I'm panicking. She must love me. "She hasn't told you she doesn't. Has she?"
"She hasn't told me anything. But the police have."
I guess I've killed a lot of people. Maybe that's bad. But the world I'm in, I have to. I kill evil people. Serial killers. Rapists. Paedophiles. I hunt them down, and I eliminate them. I'm making the world a better place. I swear. They all deserved it.
"What did they say? The police?"
"They say your girlfriend, Hannah?"
I nod. Hannah.
"They say she's not your girlfriend. They say you picked her up in a pub, that she was interested in you at first. Then she said that you went crazy the morning after. That when she tried to leave, you asked her to stay. Forced her to stay. Forced her to play happy families for weeks. She hasn't been outside in 2 months, has she?"
"She didn't want to go outside. She wasn't well, and then... Then she... She didn't want to. She didn't want to leave me." She didn't. She never asked to leave.
"She said that when she tried to run out you'd catch her, take her to the bedroom and rape her. Do you remember any of that, Cera?"
"No! No, she never.... I thought she wanted me."
I can't deal with this. I can't. She loves me. She loves me. She must.
Hannah went out. I'm trying to find her; she's been gone so long. But the sun is very bright today. It dapples through the trees. Very pretty. But too bright.
Where is she? I've looked everywhere. I'm on the bridge right now, overlooking the river. It's a very big river. There's a church right by it. Pastor John knows me. He'll let me on the roof, then I'll be able to look around for Hannah.
On the roof, the sun is even brighter. There's nothing even to dapple it. I think I might burn.
She can't hear me. Who's that man? Why is he so close to her? Why is she crying? He's too close and she doesn't like it. I have to save her. I have to jump.
The doctor watches me as I cry. I've been crying a long time. Hannah doesn't love me. My name isn't Cera. It's Ashley, and at school I used to go by Ash.
"How many of them were real? The people I thought were evil? How many were real people?"
"All of them."
"Were any of them bad?"
"How many are dead?"
"You've killed 47. I think that's around how many bad people you thought you killed, judging by your diary."
There was a pause.
"Please tell Hannah I'm sorry. Tell her that the darkness made me think she loved me, and that now I can see properly and I'm sorry."
The walls of the hospital are very bright white. There is glass inbetween me and the doctor. I think I'm dangerous. I am glad the walls are so bright. It hurts my retinas, but I think I'll adjust.