The Pain.Mature

  Have you ever been so stupid and idiotic? EVER!? I have. I have been worse than stupid! I feel like hating myself. HATE. HATE. HATE. Such a strong word, right? So, so strong. Cliché as it may sound, my heart is like exploding glass. Shattering into pieces I can't seem to pick up.  My self-respect is gone. My values are blown to bits of crap. WHY?! Because I was stupid and I am CRAP!

   It's all I can do to keep from cussing. If I did, I'd be a hypocrite. Another thing to add to the stupid list of wrong that is me. If I could paint my face, I'd paint a mask of dark gloom, enveloping everything that comes close, like a black whole. I feel a dead weight on my limbs that makes it hard to want to move, to care. I feel this blanket of dread coating me and everything I am. 

   Life hates me. That must be the problem, because it seems that every time I get the opportunity to do something right, make the right choice... I don't. I hate depression, but I like it too. (Someone smart once said.) I should've known better, known I was being stupid. Why can't I get the message? Why can't I for once just NOT be stupid? I don't want to be me. I no longer want to feel this pain, but it won't go away and I just want to be...

   What do I want to be? WHAT DO I WANT TO BE?! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Bang my hand against my face. Feel the strong expressions of teenage lives. I feel this urge to punch a mirror, throw a book against the wall and scream that I was wrong. Wrong to think I was right. Wrong to feel something I had no right to feel. When you ask what's wrong, read this STUPID letter, this STUPID thing I wrote. Then get out of my face and LEAVE me ALONE. I want to be alone, with the loneliness that comes with it. 

The End

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