What if you could die without actually dying?
It's been 3 months since I had my soul extracted. 3 months since I felt any kind of heartache, pain, or sorrow. I feel nothing, and I feel great. Not that I really feel the need to write this down, but it's something my older self would've done. He liked to keep journals and such; maybe I should honor his memory, at least just this once.
I'm much more affable with my family now. No awkward emotional resentment to keep me from hanging around them any more. I can chat with my dad about anything and be more open because I don't care about my inner world any more. There is no 'inner world' any more. My 3rd and 4th planes are gone. I can hug my mother without feeling the ache that comes from keeping painful secrets in the presence of others.
I no longer feel an urgency to leave my home. I don't care about moving away to do something grandiose or meaningful. I can stay home and go on runs with my father, and I can work at a fast food restaurant without feeling hopeless or meaningless. I can hang out with my old friends, without the desire for any deep connections or understanding. I need none of that now. I just do things for fun.
Speaking of doing things for fun, I finally lost my virginity. About a month ago, actually. It was to this nice redhead; she was a real sweetheart. Round lips and a supple body. The first time was great. Nothing sensational, but I didn't care. We had a good time. No need to get attached and hung up on each other. We still pound it here and there. It's nice to have someone on call without the emotional burden. I can talk freely about my experiences with my friends now. No need for lying, and no feelings of guilt or inferiority. My friendships are pretty much the same, I just don't have anything to reveal.
The few friendships that did change were the ones with my best friends. Several weeks after the extraction, they started asking me questions like "Are you alright?" and "What are you feeling?" I would just shrug at these questions and talk about something else. My friend Roxy eventually got pissed.
"Don't you give a shit any more? You used to say beautiful, poetic things. Where the hell did that go? Don't you care about what I'm going through?? Aiden just broke my heart and all you can fucking say is 'uh-huh'."
She cried and hung up on me. I'm still not sure if she wanted me to call her back. It's whatever. We still talk whenever we see each other, but it's not like it was before the extraction. In fact, I can't quite remember how she felt to me back then. The good memories of my emotions have faded pretty quickly. I just remember the relief of escaping the bad.
Speaking of which, I hardly give a thought to Amelia any more. I know she was pretty significant to my old self, but I've since been inoculated. I remember her being one of the biggest reasons I sought the extraction in the first place. If anything, I still remember how that felt; when I was extracted, I could feel her essence evaporating from my body. When it was done, I felt weightless. Everything that burdened me: my desires, my loves, my fears, my heartaches, my visions; they all dissipated into nothing.
I don't feel regret about anything. I just live in the present, and currently I'm just trying to figure out how to best make money. The vision I had for this music nonsense is long gone. All the ideas my old self came up with are useless to me, so I put them on a hard drive and gave them to someone I thought could use them. I also sold the instruments my old self used to play. The violin, piano, even the guitar. It actually kind of frustrated me that he'd wasted so much money on such useless things.
I can't think of much else that's changed in recent months. I guess life is better now, but I don't really think of it in those terms. Life isn't better or worse, it just is. I'll get a good job, get married, have a kid, and it won't mean more than a pin drop to me. I guess that's the way old me wanted it.
Here's to him, whoever he was.